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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is no message a message in itself?

37 replies

Whowahway123 · 29/07/2023 23:25

Been with a guy 14months.
Worked away a bit but thought it was serious enough & had introduced him to my parents & teenager.

Bit of a rocky period around Easter where he said he was stressed & shut down for a bit but we picked it up again.

my birthday turned into an alright flop. I honestly thought he was only messing about with the sheer lack of thoughtfulness & crappy petrol station flowers, but nope, that was it. Now I have to admit I possibly went a bit glum on him, he went away for a work again.

I expressed my disappointment via text 3.5wks ago & he replied with ok and with the dreaded 👍🏻 I didn’t call off our relationship. I said that we had to work on our relationship as the way it was going I was unhappy. I maybe (horribly) told him he wasn’t bringing anything to my life right now and things had to change. I told him worth more than this which I genuinely think I am 🤔

and that, that is the last I’ve heard from him! Total ghosting! Blanking whatever you want to call it.

he isn’t answering texts or phone calls, I’m not blocked it’s double ticks and ringing out. I’m not sure if he’s home so i haven’t swung by his house as it’s about 45mins away.

should I keep texting asking to talk? Or should I just bag up all his stuff and myhermes / evri it to him and declare it over?

is the good old saying of ‘no answer is your answer’ in this context?

not going to lie, I’m pretty bummed at being in my 40s and being treated like this. I’m also trying to work out if I’m missing him or missing the idea of being in a relationship / having a partner ??? I’m kid free tonight but home alone because everyone else is coupled up. Would it not be better to have someone rather than no one? These are the thoughts running through my head oh wise MNetters.

any wise words?

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 30/07/2023 04:59

If someone told me I didn't bring anything to their life, and that they were worth more, I'd consider myself dumped

Sorry. I'm not in a position to comment on all the other stuff, but I know that I can't imagine anything much worse that being told that I didn't bring anything to a boyfriend's life. That would be the end of it for me.

Namechange666 · 30/07/2023 05:45

If he wanted you, you'd know. If he was going to, he already would have.

Move on , send his stuff back and be at peace with your decision. Because you need more, he doesn't want to and you can at least know you said what you needed to.

Breakingpoint1961 · 30/07/2023 06:28

A man would move mountains to be with someone he likes/loves, cliche maybe but very true.

You've done nothing wrong by telling him the truth about how you feel, if he was hurt/angry by that, then he's not a keeper, you want someone who will work through that with you. Don't feel guilty about 'upsetting' him.

This is about you and how you feel. When a man shows you who he is, take it from me, believe him.

Big girl pants OP

FinallyHere · 30/07/2023 07:24

Boredom (not calling you guys boring iykwim!) on a Saturday night is making me feel a bit glum & wanting to text him.

Well done for noticing this in your own behaviour. You are absolutely right.

Find something constructive to do and distract yourself with whatever it is. Not glamorous but clearing out the drawers always works for me. I listen to something on the background and meanwhile crack on.

Result tidy drawers and stop myself texting meanwhile.

Assume you have shaken this one off and plan more interesting stuff for you to do in future. Don't flog a dead horse. All the best.

guineacup · 30/07/2023 07:34

AquamarineGlass · 29/07/2023 23:31

Do nothing.

He will be in touch in his own time when he's processed everything.

This gives you lots of time to do your own thinking.

Don't chase a man whose ignoring you. It never ends well.

It's been 3 1/2 weeks since the OPs message. Don't give her false hope that he's just processing and will be in touch when he's ready. For him at least, it's clear that the relationship is over, and he doesn't intend to contact her. Of course I may be wrong, but the odds of him getting on contact, especially in positive way, are tiny.

RuthTopp · 30/07/2023 07:36

Can't see a problem with sending him a message asking him what he wants doing with his stuff ( as long as it's just not just a toothbrush , razor and a couple of pairs of pants ! I'd bin if it was )
But if more likely enough that he'd want to keep , give him the opportunity to collect so maybe a message like . " Hi I've messaged a few times , don't know what you want doing with your stuff left here , can get rid of it you like , or you can pick up at an arranged time . I'm having a sort out in near future so cannot store. Let me know. Take care @Whowahway123

Globules · 30/07/2023 07:41

Sounds like my ex from the crappy birthday to the dumping by text.

A year on things are much better. I've recognised I was dating a child in a man's body, which it sounds like you were too.

Stay strong OP. You ARE worth more than this man is giving.

DonkeysForCourses · 30/07/2023 07:49

Don't pay to courier his stuff back. Just tell him what day you're putting them outside the door. Bin if he doesn't reply.

Nanna50 · 30/07/2023 08:07

It reads like you dumped him because texts are open to interpretation.

A simple where are you? can be a question or demand.

Telling someone they bring nothing to your life is really the kind of conversation that you should talk through.

Why would you use text for something so important, especially when it was coming from a place of dissatisfaction?

Once he read that would he even bother reading the rest or would that be the bit that stuck in his mind?

You can’t rely on emojis to relay the context and you can’t rely on someone to read the whole text and interpret your meaning or emotion.

If it started going wrong at Easter then maybe you gave him the out that he needed.

And no, any man is never better than no man.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/07/2023 08:20

yes sadly

no answer and silence means he doesn’t want to talk , doesn’t want closure or can’t face the conversation

all you can do is delete delete delete and move on , albeit sadly

how much stuff is there ? If small bits I’d bag away and at some stage chuck them to be honest

its horrible the lack of closure I know
but you said things have been bad for a a while

Frenchthing · 30/07/2023 09:18

Put his stuff in the coal shed and block him.

Littlemisslonley · 30/07/2023 09:24

Whowahway123 · 29/07/2023 23:41

This is exactly what I needed to hear. And if I’m being honest, it’s probably the same advice I’d give a friend in this position too. Better not to chase when he’s just not that in to me.

I tried to soften how I was feeling in my text but at the end of the day if someone was telling you you were currently bringing nothing to their life, it would hurt so I do get it and I told him I was sorry to have to bring it up. But i did try to be delicate about it & not character assassinate him.

Boredom (not calling you guys boring iykwim!) on a Saturday night is making me feel a bit glum & wanting to text him.

Wish I'd seen your thread last night I'm in the same situation but different background.

I'd stop texting this guy and trying to call him do nothing literally nothing...its shit and makes you feel shit but this isn't substainable and it isn't OK to be treated like this

Scoop up your pride and do nothing

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