Hysterical bonding - only us?

[Ohwhatadag]

I loved "Riders" by Jilly Cooper, but one bit mystisfied me when i was a naive 18 year old (best part of 3 decades ago). When Billy found out out Janey's affair with Kevin. Then they spent 3 days in bed. What the fuck? Why hadn't he chucked her out with her typewritter banging the ground?

Anyway, 30 years later, now I know. Hysterical bonding. Or desperate shagging. Six months have passed that i look back. DH started a short-lived affair. I found out relatively quickly. Much soul and relationship searching. We have a child and the difficult shit that makes splitting up difficult.

We had a rough couple of days at first. I have no problem expressing anger. But then it's like my body took over. I had to have sex with him. Like Billy and janey we literally spent 3 days in bed shagging. Which obviously has tappered off.

But it was like my body was reacting on a primal level. His too. But reading MN, there is no mention of this reaction.

I am just interested if others experienced this too?

It’s a well known phenomena.
Wears off after a while & everything settles down again.
Same old same old. 🙄

Is it what happened to you?

I thought this was the ‘pick me dance’?

Happened to me

I noticed that there was a thread early this month similar threads - i never spotted it.

Maybe it is the evolutionary "pick me dance". I wonder if I would have experienced it as a 25 year old and no kids? Common reaction at that age seems to be "fuck off and die".

Glad it's not just me. I was really conflicted. I was dying to shag DH and feeling that he was being rewarded for being an unfaithful tosser. I still struggle over that.

Happened to me too. Came from nowhere. Died down after a week. I feel weird about it now like it was a pick-me dance or weird somehow saying I found the idea of DP and OW a turn-on. Cant get the phrase hysterical bonding out of my head. Only heard it here a couple of weeks ago.

Rewarding a cheater is never a good idea. It’s desperation really. You just do t want them to leave you for someone else.

I think some PP are missing the point that you can’t logically explain it even if you emotionally understand it - it’s like a primal instinct taking over, a survival feeling that literally takes over even if you don’t want to, like you’re possessed!

Yes I’ve had it too - at the end of a relationship rather than post affair but those last two weeks were incredible, the best sex we’d ever had.
I’ve had this twice at the end of both my long term significant relationships.

You haven't understood what hysterical bonding is. It's a primitive instinct that kicks in. Like pregnancy hormones or menopause. It's not a thing you consciously decide to do. It's like an internal force

Experienced something similar. Partner cheated on me and since I found out, they have been wanting sex a lot. Guess for them as the wayward party it is more guilt and scared of the likelihood of us splitting. I've been participating but more from a sense of trying to help them rather than really enjoying it for myself. In fact I find it quite traumatic TBH with the thoughts of what they did with AP. All a bit fxxxd up really and i did wonder about H-B. Is that a thing for us blokes to?

This happened to my friend. She kicked his cheating arse out after she was over it though. It still puzzles her!

But you can not act on instinct and feelings like this. We don't just all go around acting on our base desires. Especially when it compromises our morals and self respect.

Unfortunately it would seem that is exactly what cheating people do.

Isn't it just part of the I can still have you when I want and I am getting one over on the mistress type thing?

@Newusernameaug

Yes I’ve had it too - at the end of a relationship rather than post affair but those last two weeks were incredible, the best sex we’d ever had. I’ve had this twice at the end of both my long term significant relationships.

I started reading this thinking "this is interesting but it's not part of my experience" to realising I had something like what you just described towards the end of my marriage.

Nothing to do with an affair, but I was hurting as my now ex had told me things weren't working, and part of my response to that was rather than thinking "sod you", was to feel all the more aroused, and seeking sex even though things were breaking down between us (the fact they were meant we didn't actually have much sex, but the feelings were there on my part). I think it's all part of the "pick me dance" psychology going on, and is also true when one partner feels the other partner is less keen or drifting away, with an affair being the most dramatic manifestation of that.

Evidently. But I'm not sure just because some do it (& it obviously doesn't serve them very well) we should all just be at the will of our desires!