Hi, I guess I'm reaching out as one of those people that have got themselves entangled in a Domestic abuse case.
I am the man in the situation and have tried to leave the relationship for a year. it has become toxic with us constantly arguing and saying awful things. The reason it's taken a year to leave is a fell in a hole and after breaking a foot and then subsequent knock on effects, I had surgery two weeks ago and had a stent put in to a damaged artery.
I have been laying on a sofa for 7 months wondering why I wasn't healing, it was because my artery in my leg was damaged and i've lost a right 4th toe because of it. During this time I began to fester and get into despair with constant pain and crying my self to sleep most nights.
Long story short, we're mid fifties, i've not been an effective male and my partner has gone through menopause. I've been unable to take her out and we have had no relationship during this time. I've been very happy to know that she is out with her friends and encourage this as I'm useless and she needs a life.
Our arguments got worse and two days after being out of hospital and not really sure of where I was, I decided to leave the house and move to my boat and say goodbye to the relationship finally. I had arranged with pro companies to come and box my belongings and have those divided between the boat, my new office and storage until I am literally back on my feet.
Of the morning, I only remember an argument over the coffee machine and being asleep and then the police arriving. At this point they woke me up from a medicated sleep to tell me I'd thrown a lighter at her and it had bounced off her wrist causing no harm. They also told me at the station that I'd put a knife on her chest four years ago showing her acting techniques (I make films) after a drunken night of Rum drinking celebrating my charity work as commander of a local small naval training unit.
There was also a recording of an argument that was a year ago, just after the accident where I felt goaded and was in pain and I said 'oh you're recording me? then record this - i'd love to cut your effing head off but your not worth it, now leave me alone and stop bullying me' as I walked into another room and closed the door behind me very upset.
The police said they had insufficient evidence to charge me and I agreed to a protection order to show that I wish her no ill will, felt sorry for her being on the receiving end of my low point and that I was committed to being away from her and into my new life alone.
I really feel a bit concerned over all this and would like to hear all honest thoughts so that I can make sure this never repeats itself in my life and that we both have happy new relationships.
Weirdly, all though it may not be, between the day after I was released without charge and agreed to a DVPO hearing 2 days later, she went to the pub where a best friend drinks and spent the evening hanging there saying to him that I was probably going to pop up and see him as I'd been talking about it.
After talking to all my soul sisters who have been very kind in supporting me and asking me why I hadn't reached out sooner and how they found her to be (which I won't write here as my ex isn't here to defend herself), I feel I've been with a totally abusive negative person.
I feel abused and neglected, she accused me of being Gay because i meet new friends, she has stopped me seeing my family by making me feel guilty that she wouldn't be there. I wanted to go to a health retreat and mend my leg and focus on myself for the first time in over half a year and she accused me of being selfish.
I have happily moved out, not contacted her and apart from having a fair few things to remove from the old house, I have no desire to see her for some time to come.
I feel like I'm one of the only men who was actually leaving and that this is two days before I had arranged to. Even in my darkest lowest hour of pain and surgery recovery, I realised that this situation was harming us both and just want her to be happy - something I could never seem to really make her.
Please help me understand this situation as I never want to be in this place again and probably wouldn't be had I not nearly died. The artery was fortunate in the embolism went to my toe not my brain or heart. I can now almost walk again and after being away from the toxic home for two weeks, have lost weight (10lbs) from not being fed bad food and focussing on my recovery.
I look forward to great future by myself, I work, there is no reason to go back, we have no kids or mortgage or anything to bind us. I'm not homeless and my mood is lightening after 3 years of being with that person.
Oh a little bit on her, I was the longest relationship in her life and she's never lived with a man before. All her relationships before only lasted a couple of months and she kind of said "good luck'.
Me, I was married for 20 years and that naturally ended but my adult daughter's haven't spoke to her in 11 years. She married a very nasty man who was horrible to them and everyone around us. They moved out of the country and haven't returned.
My next relationship after that was with another lady who would go through my emails and texts, demand holidays and attention and we too did not last.
I waited along time between these relationships to meet someone. Perhaps they saw the vulnerable me? I'd like to hear your opinions please and it'll help me understand my behaviour pattern and why I say horrible stupid thoughts out loud when I feel cornered.