Am I in the wrong here? No idea what to do

[Racingstripe]

Hello,
just wanted to turn to mumsnet for some sage advice as I’ve been tossing and turning on it.

brief backstory but about two years ago I struck up a romance with a man I knew from a hobby. Long distance but he pursued me. Started off healthily, had conversations about where it was going and what we wanted. I felt I put good boundaries in place (I’m quite anxious and often just lose myself).

he ended up saying he couldn’t see me due to personal issues with family, but when we spoke about it confessed it was also due to his self esteem/ feelings of self doubt. I said I would support him but understood and was pleased he was open with me.

after a while, inevitably we started talking again. This led to arranging to meet up, which he then cancelled. We saw each other by chance when we were in the same city and had a conversation again where I said I thought he was great, but I didn’t want any romance or to sleep together unless it we were going to meet up again (note: not be ‘seeing’ each other but at least see each other IYSWIM)

he said he wanted to, we slept together, we arranged to meet up and then he cancelled. It’s culminated in a big argument where I said I felt used and felt like he didn’t care. It was emotional, I was emotional. He asked me to take on board his difficulties and the fact he was having mental health problems. I said that I was trying but finding it hard to mitigate what had happened when I’d been so clear.

hes blocked me on everything. I feel so bad, I’m so scared because I know he’s having a hard time. I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid. I don’t want to talk to him to rehash an argument or start something up, but he doesn’t have a great support network and I’m scared. WWYD

Walk away. Honestly it’s not worth the heartache and effort for something casual. He was well enough to want and have sex. I had an ex like this. Him and I broke up due to his depression, he turned up at my door, we had sex and he suddenly wasn’t ready for anything, I had to understand his mental impediments etc. i am a massive advocate for mental health etc but I was the one who ended up with mental damage because of him and his patterns like this. Please know you have absolutely no responsibility to him and it’s not your issue if he does something stupid. Honestly it’s not and you shouldn’t have to feel like it is, you’ve done literally not a thing wrong.

He's messing you around by planning to meet up, cancelling, sleeping together and then blocking you after you'd made clear your position about meeting up. He's a user and a player who uses MH issues to keep you in line and worried and it has worked.

His MH issues are not yours to sort out or fret over what he might do. Be glad you're blocked, move on and don't get drawn in by him again.

Walk away and don’t look back. He doesn’t care about you.

His apparent mental health issues aren't what causes him to behave like this though. This is him, how he is. He's got what he wanted from you.

Don't go back, if he ever does get in to I don't reply. You deserve better.

Being in a relationship with somebody that develops mental issues is very hard.
Thinking of starting a relationship with somebody who already has mental problems would be very unwise.

Please think. Very carefully.

Don't worry about it, I am sure he is fine. It sounds like he just wanted the sex to be honest.

He played you. He is scum. Move on.

I felt used and felt like he didn’t care

A compatible partner would not make you feel like this.

You are not responsible for him. Just walk away. If he cared about you enough to do something stupid, you'd feel cared about, not used.

This with bells on.

And examine your own boundaries. Why are you offering MH support to someone you're not even dating?

You're muddying the waters all around and your boundaries are not as good as you think they are or this wouldn't have happened. Someone with good boundaries would have walked away or at least made sure he meant it when he said he wanted to see you again before sleeping with him.

Except that, someone with good boundaries wouldn't have got into this arrangement with a flakeyan woth MH issues in the first place. So scrap that last bit

He's an arse. Leave him to himself. His choices and his actions are his responsibility, not yours. The world is full of blokes like him.

He just wanted sex but not to spend time with or talk to you. So he had sex with you then blocked you. That's all there is to it, no need to worry about him.

I felt used and felt like he didn’t care

Because you were, OP. And then you were manipulated by the now obligatory declaration of MH issues*. He wants you to be worried. That way he can reel you back in when he feels 'better.'

*Yes, I am aware people really do have them, I've suffered myself. It's just that lately every form of bad behaviour is blamed on bad MH which does nothing to help the real sufferers.

I suspect you are way more affected by this then him. He's resolved things for him by blocking you. I very much doubt he will rake any dramatic action.

Walk away, there will be plenty of opportunities for you to support a partner, but a relationship of any kind should be supportive both ways. He’s already disrespected you.

Why should his alleged mental health problems trump your hurt feelings after he used you for sex, because that's exactly what he's done.

Block and move on.

@Racingstripe - you’ve been very naive. Always look at what a guy does, not what he says. He said what he needed to to get you into bed, dropped you, blocked you and he’s even got you worried about him. His MH is perfectly fine. He’s just an arch manipulator. Please look up the shark cage and get working on yours.

Not worth it. Find a man who does do what he says and is able to build a relationship.

Same as all above. Walk away. I don't like this one bit

Thanks all x

Thin end of the wedge of classic abusive coercive controlling behaviour.

He treats you like crap then plays the victim so you have to be on edge not him and you have to do what he says.

Run far away.

Oh for heaven’s sake, do not give this arsehole another moment of your time. He’s a self-absorbed drama queen who uses his neuroses as a means of manipulating others. He will always mess you around, you will never know where you stand, and he will blow hot and cold on you all the time and then make you feel like shit for calling him out on his behaviour. Run for the hills and don’t look back. His mental health is not your problem.

I have encountered this exact behaviour from men before, and they are very much of a type. Avoid, avoid, avoid xx