I'm a first time poster (on any forum) needing some perspective regarding a recent relationship, this may be quite long so please excuse me if it is. Oh, and I'm male to avoid any confusion!
Up until a couple of years ago I had been married for 20 years, 10 of them very unhappily after she had an affair which I never really got over, in hindsight I should have left, but kids etc.
I ran my own small business and employed a lady that used to work for one of my suppliers. We had previously got on well and continued to do so. I had been thinking about divorce for a number of years at this point but had never had the strength to go through with it. At a staff party, after too much alcohol drunk by both of us we kissed. Nothing else happened. In the cold light of day I said I had feelings for her, she told me she had too. We agreed that we really shouldn't have kissed while I was still married.
Nothing else happened between us.
This was the catalyst I needed to finally start divorce proceedings and we split amicably. After my divorce was finalised (during COVID, all online, so very quick) we started a relationship.
Her home situation was a bit complicated, she told me she had split from her partner, but she still lived in the family home with him and her kids, they still slept in the same bed, went on holidays together and hadn't told anyone including their families and close friends that they had split (writing this makes it seem even more ridiculous I believed we had a relationship!)
Despite this I fell head over heels in love with her, we worked together which meant we saw each other pretty much every day, and we were able to go away on the occasional work trip together. About once a month she would allow us to meet during an evening, or for a day at the weekend, but this was rare. She would get annoyed if I messaged while she was away with him and the kids and once when her and her 'ex partner' were entertaining guests at their house, I sent a single message asking how she was, and was told 'I was trying to ruin her whole weekend'.
It started to feel like I was being used as an 'escape' from her normal life, as she would readily go away with me if she could justify the trip as work, but if it involved telling her partner she was going out, outside of work it was always a massive issue. I brought this up and she denied it.
I wasn't allowed to meet any of her friends, or tell anyone we were in a 'relationship'
I should also mention I have diagnosed, and medicated ADHD.
If I mentioned I felt like I was being used, 'it's your ADHD'
Unhappy that while waiting for her to walk to car as we were going on a work trip and I saw her hugging her 'ex partner' before she left 'it's your ADHD'
And many, many more examples, if we ever disagreed, 'its your ADHD "!
However, I never experienced this with anyone else, before or after, just her.
This continued for 18 months or so, until I closed my business (thanks BREXIT) and we split. We hadn't been getting on, I was getting increasingly frustrated with our 'relationship' and was under an immense amount of pressure due to my business failing. However, I still loved her with all my heart despite this.
When we split, I sent her flowers wishing her the best, she then blocked me. I tried to make contact via email, I genuinely cared about her a hoped she was OK. After a couple of months she got back in touch, within a few messages she had explained she needed a reference for a new job and I was happy to oblige.
Sporadic contact remained, I started a new relationship, and hoped and believed that we could remain friends. (Incidentally, I once apologised to new partner over a comment I had made and said something like 'sorry about that, must be my ADHD meds wearing off" she replied "no, that was a perfectly valid response, the trouble is someone has been continually telling you that everything you do is ADHD related, it's not and you need to remember that!"
After some continued sporadic contact, I asked if she wanted to meet for a quick coffee, she agreed and a date was set. I was looking forward to catching up with her, we had a lot of history together, I was curious about her new job, how her kids were, usual stuff. During our previous contact over message she would never answer any questions about her home life etc
We met, and as soon as I sat down, she told me I had to stop messaging, she was doing OK, I tried to ask how her new job was etc. No response, I became frustrated, told her this was pointless as If we weren't allowed to talk about anything there was no point me being there. She then blocked me again.
I haven't and will not be attempting to make any contact, although I am upset as we could have been good friends.
Thanks for reading so far, it's been pretty cathartic for me!
One more thing to add, I heard fairly early on after meeting her that she had a relationship with a colleague at her previous company, he to was in a similar situation as me, rocky marriage etc.
I believe that I was being used as an 'escape' , and when I stopped being 'useful' to her I was dropped.
I believe I was being gaslighted all the way through and was being controlled.
I'm hoping that hearing another perspective on this, either validating my feeling, or presenting another point or view will help me finally put this to bed.
Thanks for reading, phew!!