Nothing left for DPs

[butsomeonesgottadoit]

DH and I currently staying at DM and DF's home abroad. We are here for another month, thankfully not all in their house. We make the effort to travel to see them 3-4 times a year which I now think is too much but they've come to expect it. We'll work remotely for 2 weeks and then have a "holiday" (kind of).

Over the past 4 years or so I have felt my heart fundamentally hardening towards both - especially DF. He was abusive all through my childhood (physical and emotional). DM is and was his enabler. I've had times of not really being in contact with them but always felt an emotional pull to come back. I don't feel that anymore. Sometimes I physically cannot stand to be in the same room, or listen to another word out of DF's mouth. A bit different with DM as I know she tried her best, she's frail, and seems to appreciate what I try to do for her. As I get older (late 40s now) I realise DF is just a bit of a c*nt. Entitled, arrogant and self absorbed to the absolute maximum. Loses his temper, screams and shouts in front of (not at) my DH. I did once have a lot of love for him but it feels to me like it has all gone and there is nothing left. I think he knows that.

I don't have siblings so all down to me to sort out the inevitable mess when one of them dies. Which I am both dreading because of the logistical nightmare that will result, and wish would happen so this can end (I know that's terrible).

No question really, just wanted to put it out there. I'm so bone achingly tired of being their child.

I don't understand why you visit so regularly and for such long periods given your childhood and how you understandably feel about them? Why are you putting yourself through this?

Indeed why are you putting yourself, let alone your H, through all this?. Is it because of your own fear, obligation and guilt; three buttons your parents installed in you at a young age?. Both parents here are abusive and your mother is his secondary abuser and enabler (as you correctly surmise). She has completely failed you also by failing to protect you from the abuses your father has and continues to mete out. She has stayed with him for her own reasons (perhaps financial or a lifestyle she wants to maintain) and she is unlikely to ever leave him.

What if anything do you know about your parents childhoods?. It may well be that her own childhood was itself abusive too and life with your father is a continuation of what she's only known. Its a reason, not an excuse however for how either have acted here.

It is also not down to you to sort out their financial messes either when they die. You do not have to obligate yourself like this and I would not do so either. Would suggest you leave their prison like home asap and certainly leave earlier than you originally intended. Do not stick it out there for another few weeks under any circumstances.

Thank you for replies.

DH is actually quite fond of both of them and (for me) when we're not with them it's nice to have a change of scene. I guess I obligate myself because I always have, but you are right @AttilaTheMeerkat it is the FOG - emphasis on the G.

I feel as if I have never quite got my life together outside their orbit - have a decent job and a happy enough marriage but no DCs and few close friends. All a bit of a mess. And yes they both had very crappy childhoods too.