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Relationships

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Original poster

Help me choose between these two

25 replies

justlikebuses · 29/07/2023 10:58

First I realise how privileged I am to be in this position. I have been on my own for a couple of years, aside from having a FWB. I decided that I wanted to get back into dating and now it's got complicated. FWB wants more. So:

FWB: amazing, and I mean amazing sex. However, I think he may be a porn addict as things are getting more extreme in order for him to orgasm. I doubt he'd be able to just have a very ordinary missionary 10 minutes which is something I sometimes enjoy. He has an very well paid job and excellent pension. Very conventional looks. Long term he will be very comfortable financially but has a mobility issue will get worse as he ages. I enjoy dancing and days out. We are able to talk about most things. Have a few things in common and similar long term goals. I made it very clear that I would be happy to take the relationship outside of the bedroom and we've been out once in the 18 months we have been seeing each other. His messages cooled and when pressed said he had started dating although it was not physical yet. I backed off. Then we saw each other at an event. He was no longer dating. We met up for sex and he said he would like to go out. That was six weeks ago. I've sent occasional funny memes that he has interacted with but was me making the first move each time. A couple of weeks ago I went back to a dating app and connected with...

Guy2: Connected immediately, so much in common and the conversation just doesn't stop. Similar long term plans. Very similar short term plans. Have not had sex yet but I'd say it's on the cards soon. Checks in regularly with thoughtful messages. Aware this could be in a lovebombing stage. Absolutely not my type at all, covered in tattoos and although quite sensible in terms of living arrangements, doesn't drink, smoke etc, has no plans in place for future finances and tends to live in the moment but makes sure essentials are taken care of. Naturally came up in discussions.

FWB contacted me yesterday asking me to see him to actually go out. I responded and said I am busy and has he finally realised I'm actually quite the catch he is looking for? He's responded yes and has inferred he wants to take the relationship further. And I felt annoyed by that. I suspect he has seen me on the dating apps as I've seen him on them.

I'm seeing guy2 tomorrow, but I know I'll have to make a decision to let one of them go soon, and I'm stuck.

OP posts:

Squash24 · 29/07/2023 11:00

IMO I wouldn’t want to be with the first guy - someone who was unsure about me, then suddenly realised my worth. You want someone who knows your worth from the beginning.

See how things go with guy 2, in your gut you’ll probably know if he’s the one for you. But also maybe it’s neither of these men!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/07/2023 11:05

I wouldn't be choosing FWB or Guy 2 tbh. FWB is a hot mess and Guy 2 is not your physical type. I'd be thinking a lot more about what you actually want from a relationship.

Thelastwaltz · 29/07/2023 11:06

If it's such a difficult decision chances are you don't want either.

Watchkeys · 29/07/2023 11:07

If neither of them jumps out as superior, then neither is the guy for you.

Why don't you want someone who blows you away? If you pick either of these, it's Mr I'm-not-really-sure-about-him.

You really want a forum to help you decide this?

AgnesX · 29/07/2023 11:09

Neither of them sound what you're looking for in the long run really.

Dombasle · 29/07/2023 11:15

You seem almost detached from them. Like you're choosing Apartment A over Apartment B.

Neither sound like you really deeply care about them.

CornishTiger · 29/07/2023 11:18

I’d give guy 2 a go. Guy 1 will be there if it doesn’t work out just like you were for him….. ( personally I think you should ditch guy 1 totally - 18mths and he’s only just realised he wants to attempt a relationship. No thanks!)

SemperIdem · 29/07/2023 11:19

the second guy all day long

Ofcourseshecan · 29/07/2023 11:20

CornishTiger · 29/07/2023 11:18

I agree

VeridicalVagabond · 29/07/2023 11:20

Neither honestly, if you're having this hard a time choosing I suspect you'd be settling whichever one you picked.

MissingMoominMamma · 29/07/2023 11:22

Guy 1 sounds like hard work tbh. I couldn’t be arsed with someone who had a porn addiction either.

Guy 2- just see where it goes!

MMmomDD · 29/07/2023 11:35

Not sure about #2 - other than ‘checks in regularly’ - the other things don’t point towards a LT relationship potential.
Covered in tattoos, lives in the moment, no long term financial plan - would for me make him at best a FWB material.

Unless you share that sort of life outlook - and also happy to live without thinking of the future.

FWB - you have a bit of history with. And - I’d not blame him for just now wanting to date you upon seeing you on dating apps. Presumably - you two got together NOT wanting a relationship. And there is nothing wrong with it.
Over time you built a bit of a connection as well - and dating can be a possible next step.

No guarantees it’d work out anyway, but I’d give it a go with the guy you do know.

Future mobility issues - is that a bad knee? Can (and will happen) to many, btw.

Life does change as we go through stages - and you’ll most likely be dancing less in your 50s/60s than now.

Original poster

justlikebuses · 29/07/2023 14:09

I think what's pissed me off about FWB is that I've said I'd like to be more and he's never said the same, but now I could potentially be available to other people he doesn't want to let me go. But I think at the same time he doesn't really want me either. But the sex is so good, no one has ever gone to the lengths he has to learn my body.
Although Guy2 is not my physical type there's something about him that makes me want to jump him. There's definitely a spark between us.
I think I'll need to sleep with Guy2 before I make a decision. Sex is very important to me.
Guy2 would tick all the boxes bar secure retirement (outside of any inheritance).

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 29/07/2023 14:26

Dombasle · 29/07/2023 11:15

You seem almost detached from them. Like you're choosing Apartment A over Apartment B.

Neither sound like you really deeply care about them.

Exactly. This is also a decision of who to reject, and you don't seem to particularly mind which one it is.

aSofaNearYou · 29/07/2023 14:33

I would bun guy 1 off (or keep him around on a purely casual basis - I think anything more serious sounds like a non starter with him). And keep seeing Guy 2 and see how that goes, it has more potential.

EncroachingLoaf · 29/07/2023 14:48

I would cool things with guy 1 and see where things go with guy 2 but try not to get hung up on the idea of it being either of them necessarily.

I have a similar choice at the moment, even down to some of the details you describe. I'm more drawn to my guy 2, made easier by guy 1's increasingly dickish behaviour. But I'm trying to tell myself that just because one is not for me, doesn't mean the other one is.

Deargodletitgo · 29/07/2023 16:06

Definitely shag guy 2 before making a decision but guy 1 would have given me the ick already with his indecisiveness.

Epidote · 29/07/2023 16:11

Guy 1 had his time and he didn't use it correctly.
Guy 2 may or may not be a future partner but I wouldn't stay with Guy 1.

toochesterdraws · 29/07/2023 16:16

Guy 1 - seems to me he's only decided he wants you now because he's realised you have started looking elsewhere. He doesn't want to lose the FWB part, doesn't really want a full relationship, but doesn't really want you to push off with some other bloke instead.

Guy 2 - you haven't known him long enough to decide whether he's for you or not anyway.

Original poster

justlikebuses · 29/07/2023 17:08

@toochesterdraws that's exactly it about FWB.

With guy2 there's this weird feeling of familiarity and total ease. I've never felt that before. We're not young either, mid-40s. FWB is 50s and I think he was thinking I'd just hang around until he made his mind up.
I think you've all confirmed what I knew about FWB and I think it should end anyway now. It'll be sad but I can't be thinking this way again if it doesn't work out with guy2 and then there's a guy3.
But I'm quite hopeful for guy2 and looking forward to seeing him tomorrow.

OP posts:

GentlemanJay · 29/07/2023 17:12

The first thing that struck me.

You think you've got a FWBs, but you've only been out once in 18 months. That's a fuck buddy.

Milyt · 29/07/2023 17:32

Guy one will let you down sooner or later and who wants to become someone’s nurse later in life which you are alluding to! Ok if you didn’t know that but you do.

Guy 2 - you need to shag him to find out if compatible. If so then he has the edge. If no good then none of them.

Original poster

justlikebuses · 31/07/2023 00:14

It's Guy2. What I've built up to with FWB/FB in terms of knowing bodies etc just happened in one evening with Guy2. I don't believe in woo but if I did I'd say we'd been together in a past life.

And even if it doesn't work out with Guy2, I have realised I'm worth more than crumbs so will bin the other one off.

OP posts:

Flowerypot · 31/07/2023 00:17

'excellent pension'. Really?!?!!

Original poster

justlikebuses · 01/09/2023 00:04

So it wasn't one or two 😫 two went quiet then disclosed he suffers from deep depression and was in a euphoric stage when we met. Why are men such hard work?

OP posts:

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