Missing close friendships

[Cazzie1979]

I’m 44 and married with 2 kids (age 5 and 8). I’ve always been a very sociable person and, when I was younger, I was often the one that friends would confide in if they had any struggles and I enjoyed close friendships. Now, in my 40s, I feel like I’m missing the close friendships I had where we connected and confided with each other on a deep level. I’m very lucky to have a lot of social groups so I go out often (school mums, NCT, my old school friends, work friends etc) but I feel lonely because I miss those closer connections. Outside of my DH, my sister and my mum are the only ones I’d go to with any problems - I don’t feel I have close enough friends to do that with and it makes me sad.
A part of me feels that I’m being silly and should just appreciate that I have lots of friends to go out with, but I can’t get it out of my head that I want stronger friendships. Does anyone else feel that way or have any advice on how I could go about changing that?

Yes I feel the same and it feels sad. I just had a massive loss and although I had lots of messages of support and offers to meet up it made me sad as I realised how little connection I actually have with people. I know there is a saying about realising who is on your side when you go through something bad but I realised I only have the people who want to meet up with me now but couldn't give a crap about having a relationship with me the rest of the time. Someone who I thought was a close friend has made it increasingly clear she has other people she prefers to spend time with than me more recently. So overall I am feeling pretty sad and isolated right now. Like you I do have groups in my life but I lack the closeness of having someone who genuinely cares about me. Sorry I don't have any answers.

Thanks for your reply. I’m so sorry to hear you went through a massive loss recently and didn’t feel like anyone was there to support you. That’s exactly how I feel about times of crisis - who would be there for me apart from my family? My DH had a major health scare a while ago and I did have my mum and sister there, a friend who offered to help out with the kids and another who met me for coffee once to talk about it - but ultimately I just felt like I was on my own dealing with it. I just don’t know how my friendships have ended up this way, when in my younger days I had lots of close friends. It’s horrible to feel lonely - and it’s hard to know how we can change this within the existing friendships we have. I do sometimes go out with friends 1-2-1 but it always feels very surface level talk.

Actually I think it’s quite normal in the more time- and energy-intensive days of parenting younger children. At the stage your children are at, I was definitely spending more time with immediately local mums (some of whom have over time become close friends) than with my older friends who lived just a bit further away (we’re all in London but different parts of it while the local parents are a short walk away).

My friends were at similar stages with their own children. These children are all tweens/teens now and now we have more time back we’re reconnecting and seeing each other more regularly. Just keep those old friendships ticking over with a bit of checking-in and I think you’ll find you’re still there for each other in a few years’ time.

@Dery Thanks for your reply - like I said on my post, sometimes I do think I’m being silly feeling this way, especially as I have a lot of social groups so never short of people to have fun with. Would you say that when your kids were younger, were your local friendships close ones? I’d love to try to develop my local friends into deeper connections but just not sure how to build that!

Another thing is that I see other people with really close friendships and think why can’t I manage that? My sister for example has several very close friends she can turn to (and she has an 11 year old and 4 year old).

3 or 4 of my local friendships became close ones over time and there were a few others where we would occasionally hang out but have drifted since our children have gone to different secondary schools.

@Dery Thats good that a few developed into close friends. My school mum friends at the moment are people I see for playdates, coffee and evening drinks (when they don’t actually cancel on the drinks!) - I get on really well with them but trying to develop into close friends is proving challenging, maybe because these activities are a bit sporadic and not regular. Hopefully it will come over time

Be your own support. It sounds harsh until you get it. When you get it - it is empowering. x

@Cazzie1979 - yes, you can’t force it. The friendships developed over time. Also, we were all on similarly busy parenting schedules so understood if someone couldn’t meet. In the early years much of our socialising was done alongside our children eg staying for a play date instead of dropping off. That kind of thing.

I'm in a similar position. I have lots of friendship groups. My kids are young adults now but I've remained in contact with a school mum group. Lots of work friendships both old and new but i lack a close friendship. Someone who just checks in on me.
I have lots of social connections but no one to really talk to.
It too makes me sad so you are not alone.
I am better at accepting it now but I do miss it.

@Jammylou That sounds exactly like my friendship situation - and to be fair my good social life does help so that I don’t feel completely alone and I do realise I’m lucky to have a lot of social groups. It’s just this last year I’ve really started to feel something is missing from them and I know it’s a feeling of having close female friendships where I’m always there for them and vice versa. This is emphasised more when I see that my sister has this closeness, and it makes me envious (she’s the only person I feel close enough to tell everything to, whereas I’m one of many people that she tells everything to lol!)