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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cheating or crisis or both?

9 replies

Grant45 · 29/07/2023 01:59

My partner of 11 years and father of our daughter, aged one, was acting strangely recently and I questioned him and he said the way he lives me had changed. He loves me like a family member not like a lover. He is depressed and was abused and neglected by his parents which he has started to have therapy for this year. He says things like he is so bored of eating he doesn’t want to eat. He is tired to the extreme, like he can’t stay awake. He doesn’t brush his teeth or wash sufficiently. He hasn’t cut his hair in a long time. He is clearly having a hard time.

He is also however spending a night or two a week sleeping away from home. He works mega long hours and sometimes says he’s too tired to drive home. He never calls or messages me when he is staying away unless in the car/outside before going in. He has also been working abroad for a few months. I have started to wonder if he is cheating… or perhaps emotionally involved with someone else.

He says he isn’t sure what he wants. He initially said he thinks we should still be together and live like we’re friends. I thought that was a pants idea. Either we’rea couple or not. He said he feels like he needs time to figure out who he is. I just don’t get him.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 29/07/2023 02:04

He sounds depressed from reading this.
Either that or drug use.
Any changes in finance to suggest drug use?

Grant45 · 29/07/2023 02:09

No, and he’s not into drugs. Never has been. Tbh I’m not sure he’d know how to get them. He’s lived an unusual life. Also I think he’d see it as a waste of money.

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 29/07/2023 02:11

He sounds massively depressed. I don’t feel like someone having an affair would neglect bathing and grooming

Grant45 · 29/07/2023 02:14

Yeah I wondered that. But then you never know some people don’t care I guess? Although maybe he’d be happier if he were having an affair and I really get the feeling he’s going through the motions in all aspects of life.

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 29/07/2023 04:35

Hi @Grant45 i also think your partner is depressed and not having an affair. It's not nice to live like this. Would it be worth speaking to your GP about his depression, they might be able to offer some advice. Hope things get better xx

MoonLion · 29/07/2023 04:42

I agree that on the face of it he sounds more like he's depressed than cheating. Except the bit about staying away from home. Where does he sleep on the nights he doesn't come home?

Grant45 · 29/07/2023 07:33

MoonLion · 29/07/2023 04:42

I agree that on the face of it he sounds more like he's depressed than cheating. Except the bit about staying away from home. Where does he sleep on the nights he doesn't come home?

He was staying at airbnbs but this weekend said his friend at work (male) offered for him to stay. So he states Tuesday and Wednesday.

OP posts:
hev126 · 29/07/2023 08:13

How long is the drive home? Using an air bnb instead of driving home seems a bit extreme!

Princesspeachee · 29/07/2023 11:31

He sounds very depressed, unsure of what he wants in the relationship and is staying away to hide and process his thoughts.
He needs to go to the gp for medication and continue with the therapy.
In the mean time I would honestly make your own plans for a life without him as your partner. You deserve better than to be just living with him for the sake of your child.
Yes it could just be depression that if he works through it gets better but are you really prepared to pin all your hopes on that.
Getting better for him won't be a straight line and the ups and downs of that may not be something you wish to stick around for.
I'm sorry if this seems really blunt or mean, I don't intend it to be. He needs to put himself first and so do you and it sounds light right now that might be a seperate journey

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