Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH does nothing around the house

50 replies

MamFran · 28/07/2023 23:08

And it’s really starting to piss me off to the point where I’m thinking about leaving him.

every time he walks into the house or wakes up or gets home, his first thing to do is turn the TV on and lie on the sofa. Any days off work/at home he has, He slobs about all day and does nothing. watching films or watching shit videos on his phone. 3 films in one day he watched last Sunday - 3!!!!!

I have to ask him to do simple things like put HIS washing away or tidy up his mess in the kitchen.
I’ve been asking him for over a week now to cut the grass in the garden, still not been done!!

he calls me a nag but it’s because I have to ask him to do anything multiple times it’s SO frustrating and it make me so angry.

I just don’t think I can do this anymore. We both work full time, and it’s his home as well as mine so why should everything fall on me!!!

OP posts:
AssertiveGertrude · 29/07/2023 08:38

What’s the point of him ?

Gerrataere · 29/07/2023 08:48

Oblomov23 · 29/07/2023 08:33

Why did you marry him then?

Because we live in a society that brainwash girls/women from birth that their whole worth is to find a husband? And that getting married means having to keep house and home because men just don’t ‘get’ domestic chores? It’s all very well and good questioning why women marry and stay with men like this when many are now fighting against this more than ever, but even the most independent of women usually have to bathe in shit whilst a man claims it’s milk and honey. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it, shame we can’t use it at the time…

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 29/07/2023 08:57

He doesn’t think what you are asking him to do is important. He doesn’t care if his clean clothes live on the floor or the grass is knee deep. He doesn’t care if the kitchen is a tip. These are things you care about.

He will only start doing them if the alternative is worse. Currently he can lie on the sofa watching crap for a day and the only price he pays is a bit of nagging from you.

does he believe you will leave if he carries on like this? If he did believe it would he care?

Parker231 · 29/07/2023 08:58

Gerrataere · 29/07/2023 08:48

Because we live in a society that brainwash girls/women from birth that their whole worth is to find a husband? And that getting married means having to keep house and home because men just don’t ‘get’ domestic chores? It’s all very well and good questioning why women marry and stay with men like this when many are now fighting against this more than ever, but even the most independent of women usually have to bathe in shit whilst a man claims it’s milk and honey. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it, shame we can’t use it at the time…

Show quote history

Too many women assume that they will be solely responsible for food shopping, cooking, laundry and cleaning etc. Worse is that they do it and come on threads like this moaning.

Don’t enter into a relationship with anything else than an equal commitment to running the home. I’d be horrified if DH had assumed I would automatically be responsible for buying school shoes, liaising with schools, planning meals, dealing with party invites etc. Thankfully he’s an adult.

Gerrataere · 29/07/2023 09:03

Parker231 · 29/07/2023 08:58

Too many women assume that they will be solely responsible for food shopping, cooking, laundry and cleaning etc. Worse is that they do it and come on threads like this moaning.

Don’t enter into a relationship with anything else than an equal commitment to running the home. I’d be horrified if DH had assumed I would automatically be responsible for buying school shoes, liaising with schools, planning meals, dealing with party invites etc. Thankfully he’s an adult.

Show quote history

Good for you, but many men are not like this. Many men leave their mother looking for a new one, not an equal partner. And often this doesn’t become the clearest until you have children together and the house chores and admin heightens.

As I said above, it’s all well and good telling women not to settle for less, but they’re also being told from birth that a girls role is to be kind and thoughtful of others, play with the babies, do the chores, help out. You’re telling women to simply switch off high level conditioning. Hopefully soon this attitude will become more prevalent, there’s going to be millions confused perpetually single men out there when it does…

perfectcolourfound · 29/07/2023 09:13

I couldn't respect or like, and certainly not fancy, a man like this.

He's lazy, selfish, entitled, sexist, of no practical use..... what's the point of him?

You would be so much happier without him. Less mess, less cleaning, less tidying, less washing, less resentment. You could live in a calm, ordered home where you're just looking after one adult, not two.

The nagging comment shows his ignorance / entitlement. He sounds like a teenager who doesn't like the fact that mum or dad have said he has to start doing some household chores. He doesn't see them as his jobs to do. He thinks they are your jobs to do, and any request for 'help' from him is an imposition. He thinks you should run yourself ragged working while he lies on a sofa. I'd love to understand his logic.... is it that he thinks you / women have more energy and strenghth than men, so we can put up with more work? Or is it that he thinks housework isn't hard work for women, like it is for men, so it's easier for you to do it? Or is it (and I'm pretty certain this will be it) that he knows it's relentless, demanding and boring to keep on top of a home, so he'd rather you do it and have less time to relax / do hobbies / just have a moment, while he lounges around doing nothing. In other words, he knows the work needs doing but he doesn't care enough about you to do his bit.

Seriously, you'd be better off without him. Because even if (very unlikely) you were able to peursuade him to start pulling his weight, and acting like an adult, sharing the household chores 50/50, you would still have a man who needed pursuading to act like an adult. And was happy to watch you work yourself in to the ground while he watched TV.

FoodFann · 29/07/2023 09:18

Is he suffering from depression?

I would see how he feels about doing a trial where you get rid of the TV and mobiles. See what actually happens when you have to spend time together not looking at screens.

Thelonelygiraffe · 29/07/2023 09:19

PermanentTemporary · 29/07/2023 04:05

Right, you married this guy. Was he like this then? Is this a complete personality and lifestyle change?

I think I'd expect my partner to have an interest in why, if I suddenly became someone who never did anything.

If he's always been like this and it's unbearable (I can see why) then have a conversation with the man to say you think you've grown apart and should look to separate. Then get some therapy to find out why on earth you married someone you have nothing in common with.

This!

Violet3 · 29/07/2023 09:47

Could have wrote this.
Am getting ready to go out for the day, he's laid on sofa and just wants to chill. Wasting life away on sofa.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2023 09:52

Who you see now is who he will always be, expect he'll get worse, because men like him always do. Imagine having kids with this useless twat.

Run for your life.

TheAverageJoanne · 29/07/2023 11:44

Parker231 · 29/07/2023 08:58

Too many women assume that they will be solely responsible for food shopping, cooking, laundry and cleaning etc. Worse is that they do it and come on threads like this moaning.

Don’t enter into a relationship with anything else than an equal commitment to running the home. I’d be horrified if DH had assumed I would automatically be responsible for buying school shoes, liaising with schools, planning meals, dealing with party invites etc. Thankfully he’s an adult.

Show quote history

They do it because they don't want to live in a pigsty.

SunRainStorm · 29/07/2023 11:58

How can you have sex with this man?

Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 14:24

SunRainStorm · 29/07/2023 11:58

How can you have sex with this man?

This.

sounds like a manchild.

As others have suggested, run,

NooNaNa · 29/07/2023 14:45

My DH is like this, he will not change and has made it clear that he doesn't want to change. I've tried doing the bare minimal, so now we live like students and it's making everyone in the house depressed and ashamed to have any guests. I can't leave him yet, but I dream of living apart from him. I do love him but he is too selfish and lazy for harmonious cohabitation.

Prelapsarianhag · 29/07/2023 14:46

He thinks you are his servant. Get rid, you would be much better off with a nice labrador.

ArcticLingered · 29/07/2023 14:49

As others have said, he will not change. Your choice of course, but can you see yourself staying with him being like this until old age? If you think not, then you may as well leave him now. You have your future to look forward to.

ivykaty44 · 29/07/2023 14:51

how does he get his washing done, his food cooked?

If he is watching films all day what are you doing during this time?

Dombasle · 29/07/2023 14:53

If you become ill or suffer an injury then you are going to end up sitting in filth.

Other than bringing in a wage he's no better than having a pet.

Rehome him.

monsteramunch · 29/07/2023 14:59

NooNaNa · 29/07/2023 14:45

My DH is like this, he will not change and has made it clear that he doesn't want to change. I've tried doing the bare minimal, so now we live like students and it's making everyone in the house depressed and ashamed to have any guests. I can't leave him yet, but I dream of living apart from him. I do love him but he is too selfish and lazy for harmonious cohabitation.

Are there children living in your home?

Nanny0gg · 29/07/2023 19:25

NooNaNa · 29/07/2023 14:45

My DH is like this, he will not change and has made it clear that he doesn't want to change. I've tried doing the bare minimal, so now we live like students and it's making everyone in the house depressed and ashamed to have any guests. I can't leave him yet, but I dream of living apart from him. I do love him but he is too selfish and lazy for harmonious cohabitation.

Why do you love him?

What is loveable about him?

He clearly has no respect for you

sewerrat · 29/07/2023 19:26

he won't change. if I were you id get my finances in order, get his name taken off anything valuable and leave him asap.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 29/07/2023 19:52

Please do not have children with this man!

SharonEllis · 29/07/2023 19:58

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/07/2023 04:11

he calls me a nag

DH tried that once. I told him, no exaggeration, that if he ever used that word again, I would divorce him. What it says is, 'I hate women but want them to do things for me while not complaining or getting their needs met'. It's scummy.

I'd divorce yours. But if you want change, you'll have to actually demand it, not hopefully wait.

Absolutely. Do not tolerate being called a nag. Its a red flag. And yes, leave him. I wouldn't put up with this for 5 minutes, and neither should you!

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 29/07/2023 19:59

He‘ll never change. Get rid.

Sleepytimebear · 29/07/2023 20:09

My ex husband was like this. Agree he'll never change. Why would he, he's got you doing all the jobs he doesn't want to do. What's in it for him!? I know why people say stop doing stuff for him but you will presumably still clean the house because you won't want it to be dirty, there will still be food in the house even if you don't cook for him. I tried to talk to my ex about it and we had a huge fight. Nothing changed. Honestly I think you either accept it and over time just get more and more resentful or you end it.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page