Emotional abuse

[K8H21]

OK, this might be a long one. I just need to get it all out of my head and into words, and hopefully get some support/advice/solidarity in the process.

I've recently realised that my parter of 9 yrs (father to our nearly 2 yo) is emotionally abusive. Looking back I think there have always been signs but things have gotten progressively worse the past couple of years. I've always thought it was a normal part of a "fiery" relationship. I told him a few weeks ago that I don't want to be with him anymore but for various reasons, we will remain living together for the next few months at least. Neither of us are happy, have no intimacy, friendship, and generally dislike eachother. It was mainly for DS benefit that I decided to leave. I grew up in a toxic home and I don't want that for him. It's only really since deciding to separate that I've seen it all for what it really is.

Luckily he is only home at weekends due to work but those weekends are hell.

We decided after my ML that it wasn't financially viable for me to RTW and he earns more than enough to support us while I'm a SAHM until we have free childcare hrs. This has opened up a whole new level/subject for him to play on.
I'm told that I'm a sponge, a scrounger, a dole dosser. I get a very small payment from UC and he gives me a little money. All I have each month is enough to do (very frugal) food shops. If i do something he doesnt like (like leave the washing up for a few mins too long) he threatens to withhold the money or cuts down the amount. I'm constantly berated for doing nothing, being a "lazy c*nt" (i am constantly cleaning, keeping house, looking after our son). Im told I used to be good looking once. He tells me our son loves him more than me. (He plays up for me when his dad is home, I think partly because he's a novelty and partly because he sees his dad talk to me like this and dislikes me when dad is around.) He calls me a psycho and laughs about me taking antidepressants and having panic attacks. Apparently I'm so stupid that my own brain decided to attack itself.

I'm walking on eggshells constatly. A small irritation like a crumb in the kitchen will result in hours of name-calling and jibes. Sometimes a whole weekend of digging at me will come from something so small.

He works with my brother, drops him home and chats with my mum and has a good friendship with my uncle (my 3 dearest relatives). He tells me often how they all think I'm lucky to have him, that I'm hard work and he's a Saint for putting up with me. Apparently they've all told him I'm making a mistake leaving him and I should be more grateful.

I don't have a single friend in the world. I've cried to him about this and how lonely I am, now he says "no wonder you have no friends, who'd want to be friends with you? Your own family don't even like you"

Today I went outside for a breather after a 2 hr rant from him. Because I didn't take the bin out with me, he came and tipped it into the garden, locked me out and wouldn't let me back in until I picked it all up and put it in the wheelie bin.
My mum is really my only confidant but she was in a physically abusive relationship for 17 years and thinks that because he doesn't hit me there's no problem and I should try to work through things. She thinks I should stay for the "security" and just get drunk to have sex with him to keep him happy and keep a roof over my head.

There are so many more instances I could mention but I would be here for days.

I've realised how much of my self worth, confidence, humor and happiness I've lost. I've stayed for this long because I've convinced myself no one else would want me so it's this or a life of solitude (which now seems like the better option anyway.) I feel like I'm in a constant fog, dreading him coming home, dreading setting him off, dreading what he will say to me. I'm trying so hard not to let him get to me but it's so hard. I'm struggling to find a way out of this for me and my LB (finding housing/funds etc.) I don't want to end up in a hostel or emergency accommodation and be stuck there for years.

I'm worried he is going to push me over the edge before I can get out. I'm not sure I can take much more. I can't lose any more of my self without truly losing myself forever.

Thank you if you've read this far. Appreciate success stories from anyone who's gotten through the otherside of something similar. And also to know I'm not crazy or being silly thinking it's emotional abuse??

He sounds dreadful. No one should treat you like this. I don’t think your mum is going to be much help sadly, so don’t listen to her too much.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You need a refuge place ideally here.

what’s the situation re the property?

You need to completely separate from him as the current arrangement is not at all working, it was always going to be the case too.

Did he mainly decide that after ML that you were not going to return to work?. Yet another controlling tactic was employed by him here if that is the case. He is further financially abusing you, and in turn his child, also. he is the root cause of you feeling as sad and depressed as you do and it’s in his interests to keep you this down trodden.

I would not believe him when he talks about your brother and uncle.

Your mother however, needs to be given a very wide berth going forward by you given her attitude. It’s precisely why you’re with an abuser in the first place. Look at what your parents taught you about relationships. Between them your parents showed you an extremely poor relationship example and it’s no coincidence that you’re still in an abusive relationship yourself. Don’t listen to the rubbish she still comes out with. She has chosen to stay with him but it does not follow you have to do the same.

Use Womens Aid to get your out of there, they can and will help.

Please get out, there is help out there. My ex used to verbally abuse me, smash up the house and lock me out overnight sometimes.
If he’s only there weekends use your week to get in contact with a refuge, you maybe a bit all over the place for a month or two but they will help you with everything including UC, housing etc.
he don’t change, he will find other ways to control when you push back.
I continued working but I’d get abuse every time I left for work because he hated I had my own money and friends.

And also to know I'm not crazy or being silly thinking it's emotional abuse??

You are not crazy in the slightest, this is a very clear case of emotional abuse.

My advice is to call a domestic abuse helpline for advice (they won't make you do anything you don't want to). Take no notice of your mum. And start a diary of everything he says or does that you think may be abusive.

Good luck and well done for making the decision to get away from him.

I agree with the advice that you need to step away from your Mum. Sorry OP. She has taught you codependency and all the brain fog, low self esteem etc that you feel you have learnt to feel to tolerate the awful relationship you are currently in. It sounds horrendous.
There is always hope for change though. You do need to leave him, and you need to get help to change your own self image and this will help to create a better relationship with your son. If you stay things will worsen. He is trying to placate your husband by belittling you. He has learnt this horrendous skill already and he will take it out into the world with him unless you show him that it is not ok and.you change this horrible dynamic.
Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you can't do this. You can do it. It is hard work but anything is preferable to this slow suicide you are living.

This is horrific behaviour from him

I wouldn't take his word that your relatives think he is wonderful and that you're lucky to have him.

People like this come out with all sorts of shit. They're liars.

Your mum though, is clearly one with extremely low boundaries. Ignore what she says about putting up with his behaviour.

Can you contact Women's Aid?

Can you record him at all when he's ranting at you? Discreetly obviously.

Please start planning how you're going to leave. Women's Aid will help. Talk to your local council housing office too.

You can have a happy, safe life without being controlled and abused like this.

As a man who has suffered the same thing from my ex partner, you need to leave.
I have a mother who has low self esteem her whole life and suffered at the hands of men, including my father. She is timid and shy and most likely on the spectrum and has supported my difficult sister her whole life. she has sacrificed everything to make sure my sister is ok but it results in abuse, blame and arguments.
it is very hard to pull away from toxic people and i promise you, it will be turned on you forever. Believe in yourself and start t build a way out. look for a new place, get on housing lists, talk to people and start believing in yourself.
I learnt from my mother how to be a victim of abuse and narcissitic behaviour, it has been a problem my whole life. When the final straw lands, as a man, i am the one blamed for standing up for myself. please don't allow yourself to be hurt.

Get out asap. Use Womens Aid or https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Just wanted to send strength, life will be so much better once you get away from this abuser

You are clearly an intelligent lady and I think your survival instinct is kicking in as well, in a sense that you are starting to realise your self worth.

You're 100% correct. This is classic emotional abuse. I genuinely believe that you have got to get yourself and your little one out of there before this gets any worse. This guy sounds like a loose Canon who could be capable of the absolute worst. I have dealt with situations like this in my job where the female has sadly lost her life at the hands of her abuser, some abusers being milder than yours too.

I've also recently come out of a 22 year relationship with one and that's only because he left me in the end. I have two teenaged kids. He didn't take much to do with their upbringing until they became more 'off hand' (around 13 yo) They think the sun shines out of his butt and that I'm just crazy - because thats how he has them. He has also turned our very few friends and even my own family against me, his family too. I was left for months with literally no one in my life, he took the kids and even the dog. I have gone through a huge mental breakdown in between. The kids will be returning home to me soon - or at least that's what they're telling me...similar to yours, mine was a charmer who absolutely adored me - in front of family and friends. Different creature when we were alone, ANYWHERE.

I am working on my relationship with my kids as we speak and they are warming up a bit but oh how I wish I'd gotten help to get out years ago. I knew what he was doing but just constantly appeased him thinking I'm strong enough to 'alllow him to think he has control but not let it affect me', you know - for the sake of stabilityfor the kids. Oh how wrong I was.

'Ending up in a hostel' - a hostel is temporary, not an end. Not everyone goes to these either. There are women's shelters everywhere but their locations are only known by those who are in or have been in one and they're typically a nice big homely house. There are an array of options to you to get you on your feet with your little one.

I suggest that you do what I wish I'd done, something I advise women I work with on a daily basis. Locate and contact your local woman's aid on a weekday when he's not around. Tell them you need help to get out. They are EXPERTS at this and will support you safely through the process. You will likely meet other women in your situation (if you want to) therefore you will know that you're not alone. You could make friends for life out of it. You just need to make that first call, knowing that you have no obligation to follow through but I sincerely hope that you do. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Ps - women's aid are completely confidential with yours and your child's safety. They also won't just randomly call you. They may suggest a 'safe phone' that they call at an agreed day/time after the call you would currently be on. It may be on a 'you call them' if you feel that's safer for you. If you need urgent help because you're in danger, you'd text a random agreed code word to a number and emergency service assistance would be with you in minutes. There are many other ways. They can keep communication with you safely and confidentially in whatever way you choose. Their priority is you and your little ones safety.