Marriage issues leading to friend issues

[gummychops]

Hoping for some advice on how to handle a tricky situation without causing a fall-out with any of my friends. This is long, sorry.

I am in an unhappy marriage, just coming up to our tenth anniversary. It's complicated, but there have been lots of ups & downs over the last 3 or 4 years. Definitely more downs, especially in the past year. My husband could probably be described as abusive, & he has been very nasty & verbally aggressive on numerous occasions.
Where it's all leading is hard to figure out. I should leave, I know. But I can't "leave" as we have 3 young kids & I have nowhere to go. I have no family nearby & they wouldn't have space for us anyway. My kids are in school & creche so I obviously can't just take them out & head for the hills with no plan.
I don't love him anymore. I'm pretty sure of that. But he refuses to go to counselling & refuses to leave himself. I have been pushed to the limit a few times, & told him I want to separate, & tried to start mediation to bring this about. But he had always refused to engage with that process.
About 9 months ago, after a really bad incident of him shouting at me in public in front of the kids, I engaged a solicitor. She told me, as I already knew, that mediation was the first step. At that point he finally agreed to engage with mediation in order to separate. Finally I thought he was going to cooperate. It took a few months for a mediation appointment to be offered, & he kept finding excuses for why the date didn't suit him. Eventually he accepted an appointment. Then didn't turn up. And refused to re-book.
So basically he had strung me along for about 4 months, with me thinking we were on the way to separation.
Since then - it's been up & down. More nastiness off & on. But sometimes in between this he's been making lots of effort, doing loads around the house, booking things for us etc.
The solicitor has a letter ready to send to him, saying I want to separate. I just need to ask her to send it. It's hard to explain, but it feels like I need to wait for him to do something really nasty again before I can send the letter. If we've been getting on "okay" & there's been no recent horrible argument where he has been completely out of order, I feel like he will paint me as the bad guy for breaking up the family.
If the letter landed on a day just after he had shouted & screamed abuse at me, it couldn't be argued with. But if it arrives during a period of relative calm he's just going to make out like I'm reopening old arguments. He already paints me as being the one causing all the problems.
But back to my friends. I have told a few of them over the years about our problems. Initially they are very supportive, advising me that his behaviour is unacceptable etc etc. I agree with all of this & never make excuses for him. But when it comes to what I should do, they don't seem to understand how difficult it is to end a marriage if the other party doesn't want it to end. If we didn't have kids, I would have left years ago. No question about it. I would move to Mars to get away from him & start again, if it was just me. But I can't just gather up my 3 kids under my arm & head out the door with nowhere to go. And he resolutely refuses to go. But my friends don't seem to see that I am trapped. He led me on during those months when I thought we were headed towards mediation. Then pulled the rug out from under me again by refusing to attend.
I can't think straight when he's so up & down in his behaviour towards me. I don't know what to do. I could really go with some support & advice. Meanwhile, my friends don't really keep in touch or ask how things are. I feel like they are viewing me as a willing victim, who just likes to moan about my husband. But it can't be that bad, I must be exaggerating, otherwise why haven't I left...

Sorry this is so long. I'm only posting now as I'm due to see these friends this weekend for the first time in a year. I just don't know what to say if they about him/us. It's been so long since they last asked that I feel like they're too out of the loop. Especially my "best" friend. Last time we spoke was when I was waiting for the mediation appointment, which never happened. She hasn't mentioned it since. There's just way too much for me catch her up on.... I just really can't be bothered going into it with her/them when they haven't given me the support I so desperately needed. But I don't want to fall out with my friends either. Any advice?

I think it’s unfair to say support hasn’t been forth coming. They have supported and supported. But nothing is happening. All they would be doing is listening to how nothing has changed and your reasons that you can’t do anything to change it.

Which isn’t true. They can’t make you take the next step.

Speak to women’s aid. Mediation doesn’t always have to happen in cases where abuse is present.

Women’s aid also understand the complexity of leaving a controlling or abusive relationship, as well as the legalities.

Leave the friends out of this. Talking about them is distracting from the real issue

The house is yours, so although it's a marital asset it doesn't seem fair that you should be the one to leave

What does your solicitor say about this? You could post on the legal section of MN and ask how it works re the property

Speak to your solicitor about the house and whether you should leave and make sure you have all the paperwork locked away safely (passports, driving licence, proof of income, proof of savings etc etc)

Start divorce proceedings (I suppose that means sending the initial letter)

The minute your partner gets aggressive, call the Police. Not 999, unless it's an emergency, but the other number (101?) and do that each time he's aggressive

Start looking for a school hours friendly job

I was in a situation like this, a dreadfully toxic relationship that’d have periods of relative calm. It lasted for 10 years and I lost several very good friends. At the time I recall feeling very let down by them and reasoning with myself that real friends would be there through thick and thin. But now with benefit of time and doing a bundle of work I see that I was needy. It was all about me and it was difficult for them. They’d offer advice, practical solutions and I’d absorb it all, feel a bit better and then the whole sorry cycle would start up again. They lost respect for me. It’s a long time done now, and I am no longer in contact at all with three of them, two are still in my world, but the dynamic is hugely different. I’m at peace with it now, but I lost a lot. Good luck to you, and if you ever manage to get out (I never gathered the courage, he ended up leaving me) think about doing some work on yourself so as not to repeat the cycle with someone else.

Gummychops

I understand the emphasis on your friend group; you are scared of the step you want to take and you're looking for someone to hold you tight in the process for the only and simple reason that you are shit scared. You are right in the way you feel, but the issue in within you not the friends. You have know know that in life, noone is going to save you, just you. You are feel alone but you are not alone, you will find strength in those kids. Friends come and go, plus they may have their own issues but please do not rely on them. Once you have made your move and have healed from the storm, YOU will be the person they all look up because of your bravery to start again. Trust me, I dont know these people I am sure that they are miserable.

Turning to leaving your husband, I understand what you mean when you say you are waiting on him to make bad move and you're out. I am on the same boat but I think you should go to therapy on your own first, because, even though you want to leave, something greater is holding you back. You need to figure out the magnitude of that fear and why its instilled in you. Then, when you are ready, you can smile when you are walking out. Go to therapy and work on you whilst you are in the marriage, time will unfold what is meant to me.

I would be happy to connect if you want to message me privately.

Thanks so much for your message. You get it, thank you. I am scared, & looking for reassurance from friends that I CAN manage. I really appreciate your kind words & understanding.

Your friends have done all they can realistically. They've done all the listening, the supporting, the advice giving. Nothing has changed. They probably don't know what to say or do. They're probably worried about you but short of dragging you out of the house kicking and screaming, what can they do? It's unfair to put this all on them, they're not trained DV specialists.

I imagine it's actually pretty upsetting for them to hear their friend telling them all about how her husband abuses her, they know there's children in the home too. They have to listen to this each time they see you knowing you're going back to that house and allowing your children to be raised in an abusive household. If they'd spent the full time listening to you, what would you have said? What's changed since the last time you spoke to them?

Like pp have said, you need to speak to Women's Aid, perhaps get some support from a local organisation, maybe an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate. Maybe have counselling from someone trained in DV. Get some kind of professional support.

Thanks everyone. You've given me the kick in the bum I needed. Following another incident on Sun of him having a go at me, I called the solicitor & the letter is in the post. Feeling strangely calm, but only because I had a day off to myself today, plus he hasn't actually received it yet. Not sure what will happen when he does....

This in spades.

This.

I finally dumped a 20-year friendship because she constantly moaned but would never take action. She had money, a good job, willing friends, etc, but all she did was complain, she wouldn't leave him. It became tedious to listen to the same old refrain.

Good luck with everything op. I left an abusive marriage. Yes its initially harder but in my experience it got a lot easier very quickly.

With regard to your friends. I have a friend of 40+ years who's an alcoholic and has mh issues. In the early days I was a support when ever she needed, I encouraged GP, counselling, AA. But I eventually realised I can't make her change she has to want to change so whilst I will listen if she tells me stuff I don't offer advice anymore as it's all been said/tried. I also don't always ask how she's doing as it's very draining having a friendship which revolves around one person.

Meeting up with your friends was probably meant to be a fun experience, to lighten the load and enjoy quality time together. Not an opportunity for you to offload and make it about you. It doesn't mean your friends won't support you when you take the leap.

Just seen your update - best of luck OP, you have the strength to do this.

How are things now?