Father swore at me

[TheMallard]

I visited my father last week. Out of nowhere during supper one night he mentioned something stupid I did as a teenager and said I had been “a silly little bitch”. Everyone was shocked. I pointed out that I was only 13 at the time, it’s not like a did it again and his comment was harsh. He stood by it. Hasn’t apologised despite the rest of the family saying he should. He just ignored me for the rest of the evening and was normal the next day.
I’m not sure where to go with our relationship now. I don’t want to see him again but maybe that’s because it’s still raw?
We’re not close. He’s never been emotionally supportive. I challenged him on something he said 6 years ago (for the first time) and he got really cross, so I haven’t since.
But he’s old, Mum is dead and the only time I see my sibling for more than a day is when we both visit him.

He sounds awful. Maybe arrange to visit siblings away from him?

He is isn’t he? @Anothernamethesamegame

Sibling will do day meet ups as we live close enough but it’s things like Easter and Christmas I’d miss out on. I also have a 9yo but my father isn’t particularly interested in him and DS has 3 lovely DGPs on DH’s side.

Anyone? I could do with other options.

What other options do you need? You have Christmas and Easter with the lovely DGPs and your sibling instead.

If you need to keep visiting him just be prepared to do some behavioral training. Every time he is rude to you just get up and leave. State the reason: Dad, we gave talked about thus. I will not accept rude treatment. Then leave (or put down the phone) and resume contact next time in the regular schedule. Or you can space it out adding an extra week to the original time line.

You don't want to see him again. That's a perfectly acceptable and rational decision to being neglected and abused.

What options do you want to hear?
I've is rude, was neglectful as a parent and has no interest in your son, his grandson. I'd never darken his doorstep again.

He was once young and abusive, now he’s old and still abusive. He had not changed in all the years since and he will never give you the approval you perhaps still seek. Such people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

If the relations in DHs side of the family are nice and importantly emotionally healthy, then concentrate your resources on them.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, your dad here is no different. Are you siblings equally afraid of dad too?.

Meet siblings away from your father’s home and deal with any feelings of fear obligation and guilt re your dad through therapy. Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Mine used to swear at me. He called me a whore, tart, a nothing, a twat. He hit me until the last time he tried it when I was 17. I hit him first and he never did it again. I left home at 18 and he was still grumpy but never abusive again. He dropped dead and I was very ambivalent about it.

Do what @pikkumyy77 says.

Doh! I typed too fast and didn’t notice. I meant opinions, as I have already discussed this with DH and DSis.
But thank you for replies, which have confirmed how I’m feeling. It’s such a big step not seeing your only parent again.
He gets grumpy in general when DSis is around but not specifically at her. There’s favouritism there which he won’t admit to (I have tried- he had a massive go at me).

If this incident is completely out of character, could be the beginnings of dementia. Happened to a family relative. After a few months it became clear they had a problem.

Yep.
You don't owe him duty visits just because he's your father.

It’s not completely out of character @DemelzaandRoss . I did consider dementia but DSis who has seen him more than me in the last year says definitely not.

Deffo sounds like dementia. Brief visits, talk about the weather. You have even less reason to challenge him now- what’s the point?

You say he has form for this. Don't just put it down to dementia or you're setting yourself up to just being his punching bag. My dad was nasty from as early as I can remember to 80. He got a little less careful about his verbal abuse as he aged is the only difference. He died without any signs of dementia.

I woukd give him an ultimatum. He says sorry about everything nasty he has done and stops it or you don't visit or talk to him. That is thoroughly reasonable. If he gets cross at that suggestion then there's your decision made.

I’m so sorry, OP. 💐My Dad (85) can also say horrible things and I do think it’s got worse as he’s aged, he really lacks filters now.

I’ve consciously chosen not to cut him off as he’ll only be around for a few more years. But I can totally understand why people do, it’s v. difficult to tolerate and I need to emotionally distance myself from him sometimes, or I’d get upset.