Feeling Resentful of Husband...we have a BF 5 month old

[Nessamommy]

I feel like my husband can go/do anything he wants whenever he wants and I'm stuck to our 5 month old son all the time. I'm breastfeeding and he won't take a bottle so I'm his only source of food. I would love to go to the gym or shopping or meet up with friends but these things happen very rarely. I get angry with my husband for small things. He thinks he contributes by going to work everyday, but I tell him,"Exactly! You GET to go to work." How can I deal with these feelings? I don't want things to build up. Is it normal to feel like this?

Can you express in to a bottle and go out? You sound like you need to get some of your hobbies back.

scorpio her ds won't take a bottle...

I'm not surprised you're resentful. It's tough being the only one who can provide food! i didn't bf for long - very bad experience for me and ds, hopefully better with no.2!) but many of my friends exclusively bf and I marvelled at their patience! Will your son take ebm from a cup? then you could get out on your own for a bit. Also, could you feed him just before you go out for, say, 2 hours for a nice lunch? Also, in a month or so he'll start eating solids and won't need your milk quite so much. I'm sure some of the many experienced mners will be able to help you more.

oh sorry i got distracted. sorry.

I think it is quite normal to feel how you do; i do and mine are 5 & 3! i envy him the adult company. Can you take DS with you to meet friends?

May it get better when you start weaning? Have you tried a beaker of some sort?

Very, very normal!!! Don't worry, it will start to change soon and in the mean time know you have done a brilliant thing. When it starts getting me down, I sometimes read up on the benefits to remind myself why I am doing it!!

Could you not feed him and go out for 2 or 3 hours even if its just up to the shops on your own. At 5 months he should be going a few hours between feeds? Just a breath of fresh air would do you good x

How often is your ds feeding? Just try and take some comfort in the fact that in a month or so at least your ds will start weaning and hopefully won't need to feed so much from you. It is hard, I really do sympathise and sometimes I think some men can't appreciate how resentful you get towards things when you feel like you are losing all your independence. Stick in there and well done for getting this far.

your feelings are normal in my opinion - just focus on this - in another month he will have been exclusively created and nourished by you alone , now that is something to be so proud of

at 6 months you can start weaning him and perhaps you can try EBM in a beaker - then you can get a bit of you time back.

I think the 5 month mark was when i felt exactly the same as you. Youv'e been given some good advice here already, even an hour off on your own, for a facial, or a leg wax/hair cut, anything that's just for you will make you feel a hundred times better.

I remember the exact same conversation with my dh about him being so lucky to get to go out to work too, and it makes it worse when dh thought i was the one who had it easy. It was the feeling of not being understood that made it all the more stressful. You are probably at the peak of stressfulness at the moment.

Soon dh will have to take over for an afternoon (make it as soon as ds is eating anything!) and he'll understand a bit better.

The main thing is, that by 7/8 months i found the tables had turned. My DD started to be much more fun, and the whole full time carer thing becomes much easier.

Anytime i got fed up bf'ing i would say to myself, i'm going to give it up, and would think through the implications, (learning about formula, getting up to make bottles, the bottle stuff filling up my v.small kitchen etc.) Before you know it, he'll only have a couple of feeds a day, and you'll love the chance to sit down for a cuddle. (I bf'd my dd for 16 months!!)

Slowly, you begin to get more and more time to yourself, and when the day comes that ds is napping contentedly and you have your feet up doing your nails with Oprah on the TV, make sure you take note and enjoy. (And don't mention it to dh!)

I've just been through this stage. dd2 is now 6.5 months and I b/f exclusively for 25 weeks. She would however take a bottle of ebm so it was a little easier for me.

At times I have said that I want to go back to work earlier than planned as some days I have felt really trapped.

You are doing so well. If you are anxious about leaving him for 2-3 hours with no source of food then build up gradually. If you live in a town/city you can actually do quite a lot in 1-2 hours if you leave immediately after a feed. You will be surprised once you haven't got to faff around with a pram, wait for the lift, stopping to check nappy etc. how much time that is!

I went out for less than 2 hours and managed to get new jeans, browse round Debenhams and fit in a quick coffee.

Just remember what a fab job you are doing! I bf DD1 for 6 months and DD2 for 10 months and I felt like how you are feeling alot of the time.

I used to feed when out and about because I couldn't just sit in and do nothing, is this an option? I went back to the gym when DD2 3 months and just fed her before I went and I knew she would go at least 2 hours, enough time for a quick workout! She would take a bottle though so that made things easier.

Just think of the job your doing, make sure you rest and try not to get too down as I know now I wish I had carried on longer than 10 months and gave up because I wanted some life back!

I'm currently struggling with the same problem as DD2 is almost 5 months, and has had to be bf every two hours since she was born, pretty much! Getting her to take a bottle is quite high priority for me at the mo, but she just isn't having it lol. No advice I'm afraid, just hang in there for another couple of months & she'll hopefully be eating Also maybe once she's weaned she won't mind the bottle so much, because she'll accept the fact that food comes in different forms!

I'm happy to hear that this is quite normal. I do have some girlfriends who also have children that I get to go out and see about once a week, and I have myself enrolled in some activities with my baby so I feel good about that. I just need to learn to say that I need my own time. For example, tonight I planned that when my husband came home, I was going to run to the mall for about an hour by myself to do some errands. He came home and said he also needed some things and asked if him and the baby could just come along. I said yes...I should have said no. The baby cried almost the whole time, as it was close to his bedtime. I am happy that I am BFing...I know it's the best thing for my child. I also made arragements to go out Friday night for a bit, after my baby is in bed with some girlfriends. Reading what you all wrote has helped me to feel a lot better. Thanks very much. I need to work on some things with my husband so that he understands (as best as he can) that I need some independent time. I don't think men really ever get it though.

I found that what has helped me has been keeping my babies in quite a predictable routine, so that I know when I can nick out without them or send them out with DH - usually haven't managed an evening out till I was confident that were sleeping through from 7-7 which happened around the 4 and 5 mth mark with my DS's.

Even once I can get back a bit of me time it doesn't stop me from feeling resentful when DH comes home and tells me about the posh places he gets taken to lunch etc . What has cured me was going back to work and finding out that though for periods of time I felt like I had more freedom and that I was still in fact my old self the juggle of working - even part-time and still being the primary care giver - which resulted in increased stress and guilt was just not worth it to me. DH was happier while I was working though - so draws the conclusion that he was happier because I was happier - which was not so - I just didn't nag him so much - I had too much other stuff on my mind.

Nessamommy, sounds also like as he is not used to it your DH may be completely freaked out at the idea of being left alone with your DS! I think being left with a BF baby, especially when it is your first, is quite worrying for a chap.

I agree you need to get some understanding from your husband and then try and relax into these last few extra tricky weeks. If you can change your attitude, it makes it so much easier.

I once read about when you get woken in the night for a feed to try and just enjoy it, nice quiet feed with your baby etc. I used to think what load of crap. But with my third I had got into thinking that way and it made the tricky stuff much easier to cope with. You also know about how they get through these phases by then. sorry, rambling. Good luck.

Nessamommy, I just wanted to add that 5 - 7 months can be a really tricky time for us. I certainly found that I had a crisis of confidence and identity first time round, feelings of 'where am I in all this?'. Even 4th time round I had a 5/6 month wobble.

DPs trot off to work for adult conversation, hot cups of tea and the loo by themselves, their identity remains intact. It's not their fault, but equally they have no concept of our feelings, and so think we are being a bit mad. It is infact a very real and highly sensitive issue that they just don't 'get'.

So meet up with baby-mates, find the post-natal thread on here, find some baby-groups because having other people who understand makes a big difference.

I can remember my dp saying after a glass or two one evening "Sometimes I get so angry and jealous because you're here with dd looking after her and getting to know her and I have to go to work and spend the day with lots of people, none of whom are as nice and interesting as you and dd"

Seeker, that's a real case of the grass is greener, but reinforces what elf says about changing your attitude, if you can, because its hard when your feeling overwhelmed.

Foxy's advice on getting involved with a baby group is so true. I was really lucky with the group i got involved with and i can truly say it has changed my life. I've met fantastic women, and it's such a quick way to get to know people, everyone is keen to help because we all know how tough it can be at the start. It took the pressure off my huge need for dh to be understanding and suportive (let's face it not all men are REALLY good at it)because i was getting that
understanding from the other mums.

Nessamommy, try again to get to the mall, and get dp to stay at home with ds, it will increase his confidence if it goes okay for him, and he'll be happier to do it again. Slowly as ds can manage to go for longer, dp can be in charge more and more. You will hopefully find that dp thrives on his newfound success as a dad. If it doesn't go well for him he might be a bit more understanding on how much work is involved in caring for a 5 month old.

When i finally gave up b'fding at 16 months, the only way to break the nighttime cycle was for my dp to do all the nighttime routine, and getting up in the night. We said we'd stick with that arrangement for 2 weeks, until i knew my dd was weaned. Two months on, dd settles for my dh in minutes, and when i go to her she just shouts for dh. I don't mind, i havn't had to get out of bed for teething/sick wake ups since before Christmas, and my dp is proud as punch that dd is such a daddy's girl. She settles for me when she knows he's not there. Some of the other mums in my group are in the same situation, so bear that in mind as a huge plus point when it is time for you to give up bf.

I feel so much better hearing all your comments! Thank you! I think the hardest thing is that they don't understand...nor can they really I guess. They have never had to sacrifice themselves for another human being...we've been doing it since the moment we found out we were pregnant. I think what has made it harder for me is that my son isn't napping well...which has been making for very crabby days (for both of us). Otherwise, I do feel happy that I get to be the one home with my son...seeing him grow and change all the time. It makes me feel good that whenever we are in a room with others holding my son etc. that he looks towards me all the time. I love being a mommy. I guess I just need to find some balance. You have all really helped me see a light at the end of the tunnel!