Fed up with this paranoia and insecurity.

[Whyishestillinsecure]

NC for this. Its long winded sorry.

I've thought carefully about asking this and getting others views on the situation. I just need to know if I'm being dramatic, hormonal or justified.
I met my DH in 2018 while we were both going through quite messy divorces. I had never felt like I did and do for him both emotionally and physically. I fell head over heels for him and I'd never felt this happy in years. There was one problem and it was a big one in that he monitored my phone use, as in when I was online on whatsapp, he was paranoid I was chatting to other men. He would say he felt he wasn't good enough for me, inferior because I was beautiful (his words) and very clever. He worried he couldn't give me the life or stimulation he thought I needed. We talked it through and I told him how he made me feel not being free to chat to people in case he felt in any way paranoid. He apologised and we moved on. I will try and condense this as I've a habit of rambling. Over the last few years I've caught him reading my texts, whatsapp, emails and making comments when I am online and he isnt with me. It always ends in a row and he says sorry and i feel like shit.
The last 18 months, things seem to have settled down with no snide comments, I still feel a bit edgy if I am having a back and forth convo on whatsapp with a friend and that I've been online a while. When this happens, he always messages me saying, miss you, love you and I stop typing and look at his message immediately to avoid conflict.
The last 4 weeks he has worked away during the week. Last weekend he said I need to say something, when I have been away you are online on whatsapp a lot but at the weekend when I'm home you're not on your phone at all. I said I shouldn't have to explain but I will. I don't have many friends, I have disabilities that prevent me living as full a life as I could and I get lonely and feel isolated at times. I have 2 super friends who I can blether to comfortably and we also spend time together when we can. I said of course I'm not on my phone as much when he is here, as our time together is short when he is working away in the week.
Today I was at the supermarket, I had my ear pods in and he called me, I didn't hear my phone it was in my bag, I was listening to the radio. The phone seemed as if it cut off from the radio temporarily, I didnt realise it had automatically connected the call. He didn't say hello so I had no idea. I was at the pizza counter ordering a pizza and chatting to the woman serving me. He messaged me and it said, spicy beef eh. I replied what? He phoned me and said, you ordered spicy beef, then he said you better watch out if you're with your boyfriend and I phone because I will hear everything and laughed. I replied I didn't find that funny at all, and that because of his history I am fed up with it all.
He said right okay just forget it and leave it and I will see you later.
He's now on his way home and I really want to address this without causing a fight because he is going away again next week. I know he will make out it was a joke.
Help me with this, am I overreacting or do I have cause to speak to him seriously today?
Thanks for reading as far as this, it sounds so childish and long winded but I feel flat now.

Ltb

He’s a control freak

I'll let you in on the big secret op, what he doesn't want you to know:

He is not paranoid. He is not jealous. He just wants you to THINK that he I'd.

Why?

Because he is CONTROLLING.
He wants you spend your life trying to prove your innocence, worth, loyalty, chastity and goodness. That's what abusers want you to do. To spend your life proving yourself to them and running around after them instead of realising what utter bastards they are and leaving.

You don't need to have a talk with him. There's no talk that will make an abusive man stop being abusive.

You need to get your ducks in a row and get as far away from him as possible. Like, yesterday.

Snide comments? From your partner? Someone whos is supposed to love you. Fuck that. Get him in the bin.

Actually tbf, he MAY also be paranoid and jealous xD but controlling is controlling and there's no excuse for it.

didnt realise it had automatically connected the call.
How the hell does that happen? Has he put some spyware on your phone?

Leave. He is actively making your world smaller. He is making you defend yourself when you are not in the wrong. He is controlling your thoughts, your movements, your speech.

You can change your WhatsApp settings so he can't see if you are online any more. Do that immediately. Then check for spyware.

Agree with pp, it wouldn't harm to check for spyware.

As for 'set your WhatsApp so he can't see wheb you are online' - op, did you read that and immediately think 'oh but that'll make him more paranoid that I'm never on and he'll grill me on it'.

Probably right...
Yeah...it's not good. You're walking on eggshells in this relationship. And that's not how a relationship should feel.

You cannot change you to change him.
He is who he is. And I very much doubt a shrink could fix it. Let alone you.

I'd look to escape now. Because if you stay then at some point...he's going to be so bad that you no longer feel you can have friends or leave the house or go online. But by but you made changes in order to placate him...until you wake up one day and find there's nothing of YOU left.

When I have my ear buds in and someone calls it automatically connects and I don't know how to change that. I know this because someone called me before and it automatically connected when I was out walking.
I don't want to leave him. I have no family, no savings, we rent, i have no assets and too many animals reliant on me. There's no option to leave, I have no ducks to get in a row. I am mostly happy but one thing will happen every so often, maybe weekly maybe monthly and I'm brought back down to feeling shit. I just want consistency 😪 my exh was a narcissistic and I think I've picked a gas lighter.

@Pinkbonbon that was my exact thought re the online.

That sounds like a miserable existence for you op. I couldn’t live under that level of scrutiny

I'm sure it all sounds massively overwhelming to leave him. But you can take it step by step.

Your partner is a narcissist or similar just like your ex. Just a different variety. Normal people don't go through life manipulating and gaslighting their spouces.

You say you don't want to leave. But i wonder how much of that is just about security and practicality?

Because I know you think good times are good with him 'it's just... ...'.

If a sandwiwhereas 90% cheese and tomatoes and 10% poison...should you still eat it?

Who's name is on the rental lease?
Are you claiming all the benefits you are due?
Look into what extra you might get if he leaves. For example, single person council tax discount.
Consider things you might sell to bump up your savings.

Even if you don't want to leave him now, you can start taking steps that would make it easier in future.

Because it seems like you are starting to see him for who he really is. And one day you will likely want to leave. And hopefully, be able to by then.

*if sandwiches were

Do you or he have any children either separately or together?

I don't want to leave him.
Until you realise that nothing will change for the better until he changes there is nothing we can do to help, nobody can. And you can't make him. You can ask all you like but if he doesn't want to change then your situation stays the same for the next twenty years. He likes this feeling he has over you (otherwise he wouldn't do it).

You can ask for him to see a therapist regarding his insecurity and jealousy but if he says no, then what?

I would go to the tech board and ask if anybody knows how to change the automatic connection on your phone model.

We need to stop dressing up mens abusive controlling behaviour as insecurity.

He sounds very secure in your relationship I think. So secure he continues being abusive despite your objections. He rightly has figured out that you wont leave. Until that changes, nothing will change.

You feel like you're living with paranoia and insecurity
He makes you feel bad for being online with your few friends
He makes really misogynistic jokes about a perfectly innocent conversation at a supermarket (the essentially he over heard by accident)
You've ended up in a situation where you have no financial independence
He leaves his disabled partner alone for long periods of time to work
You even think he's a gas lighter
It sounds like he love bombed you in the beginning

I'm sorry it doesn't sound like a good relationship to me. I dont think speaking to him is going to do you any favours long term. He may behave for a short while - but I can almost promise you this behaviour will return and possibly even worse than it is now.
Do you really WANT to stay with him - or are you just thinking how hard it might be to leave?
Whatever your situation I am sure there is a way out.

You don’t want to leave OP but you’re clearly unhappy about it and it evidently can’t be fixed.
have you even checked for spyware on your devices? He’s not just insecure but I think he’s also controlling and manipulative.
He monitors your WhatsApp use. Why can’t you turn off your WhatsApp online status notification?
I know no relationship is perfect but I just feel deeply saddened when I see women in situations that are clearly dangerous and ultimately traumatic for their wellbeing and they say ‘I can’t leave’ for X or Y reason.

can we just try not to be dependent on these men as much as we can? It just makes me sad.

That's horrendous, nobody should have to live like that. You are not overreacting. You should be planting your foot squarely in his arse and sending him on his way.

This man is not insecure, he is a controlling abusive cunt enjoying his power over you.

I will check for spyware, we have no children together, he has 2 from his previous marriage. I understand it will never change, I just needed people to say I'm not overreacting about today. He's home and said he is sorry (again) I didn't mention anything. I replied that it was only the weekend before he said about me being on whatsapp during the week and he said we don't need to bring that up again too.
I just need to accept this as it is. Thank you everyone, at least I know I am not being dramatic.
If I've missed any questions I apologise I'm shattered now.

This is why I always say have a relationship without living together, then he can't monitor you all the time and they are easier to get rid of when they reveal themselves to be controlling.

Have you opened up in rl to friends?
We’re your friends and family happy when you married him?
what is he like with you when his children are with you?

Do you have children op from your previous marriage?

"I just need to accept this as it is."

You really don't. I hope you don't. It's an awful way to live.

I think you now know why his ex wife divorced him…

I've not told anyone in RL about this or what's happened before. I don't have children at all. His daughter is NC with him and his son now has a relationship with him but only the odd visit and message nothing major. He's not any different whether we are alone or with company. I do get disability benefit, I was recently awarded enhanced on both areas. I don't have family, my friends were over the moon when I met him and when we got married. Probably because I was so unhappy before.
@Bananalanacake we moved in together very quickly. I'm on the list for a council house. My exh got the marital home, I had no mental energy to fight.
I know I need to make more of a life for myself. I got a membership for a leisure centre last week with the intention of going at least once a week to swim.