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Original poster

Continual betrayal

22 replies

paisleypurple · 28/07/2023 13:38

I've been with my husband for 12 years. I met him when I was only just an adult myself (him being 5 years older) and quickly fell pregnant with our first child. We've never had much time together not as parents, no honeymoon period, no quality time but a lot of turbulence and uncertainty.
Since I've been with him he's always hidden things from me, spoken to other women on various platforms (Facebook, WhatsApp and more recently linked in) in an overly friendly and eventually flirtatious way.
I've lost count of the times I've found photos of women in their underwear on his phone alongside conversations he's had with them. Sadly each time I've asked the women in question for the full chat so I can see what I'm dealing with they've said they've deleted it all (probably embarrassed by their own part in it).
Writing this I too feel embarrassed because it's blindingly obvious he will never change and I know what I should do.
When I first met him I owned a flat out right (unfortunately I lost a parent at a young age and the money was from this). Now I have the same amount of equity within our home (11 years on) due to him managing our money poorly despite being a very good earner.
I checked to see what I would be able to afford with the money we have in the house as a single mum of two and frankly- I can't afford a home.
I'm self employed, have two young children and a mortgage only my husband could afford. I've supported him so much with his career and gave up my own work (before venturing into my own business) so he could earn well, leaving me in a bit of a sticky situation.
I feel stuck and trapped. Knowing this man will continue to betray me, chatting up women online, on his commute to work etc and will never change. He lies about our life to these women and recently spent 6 months speaking with a girl who was about to start at his company at the tender age of 18! I'm no longer hurt but embarrassed and bored of this disgusting behaviour. I guess I'm looking for advice on how I can exit the marriage? He refuses to leave our home and is "desperate" to make it work and prove himself. He's had 12 years to do this. Every time I've had a baby, gone through any health problems etc (when I've needed him most) he's gone seeking attention from anyone who'll give it.
Where do I start? I know I deserve better but feel so lost as where to start.
Any help or even reassurance would be hugely appreciated

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/07/2023 13:57

For a start, please don’t have any more dc with him. Have you checked the online calculator to see what you’re entitled to if you split up? Can you get copies of his payslips?

kcieciara · 28/07/2023 13:59

You deserve sooo much more, go rent somewhere and don’t let him “prove himself” he’ll just get better at hiding. Benefits/ the government should help if you run short on money.

Original poster
paisleypurple · 28/07/2023 14:03

Cherrysoup · 28/07/2023 13:57

For a start, please don’t have any more dc with him. Have you checked the online calculator to see what you’re entitled to if you split up? Can you get copies of his payslips?

That isn't possible. He's had a vasectomy this year after I've had an abortion which has utterly broken me but in hindsight it was for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
paisleypurple · 28/07/2023 14:03

Cherrysoup · 28/07/2023 13:57

For a start, please don’t have any more dc with him. Have you checked the online calculator to see what you’re entitled to if you split up? Can you get copies of his payslips?

I haven't, I didn't know there was one as such. I think all his payslips are electronic also

OP posts:
Original poster
paisleypurple · 28/07/2023 14:04

kcieciara · 28/07/2023 13:59

You deserve sooo much more, go rent somewhere and don’t let him “prove himself” he’ll just get better at hiding. Benefits/ the government should help if you run short on money.

Thank you. I don't think I can afford the rent but I'm guessing there must be a way. Not sure how it works when you're self employed and your "husband" pays the bills etc I just don't know where to start

OP posts:
Backstreets · 28/07/2023 14:06

Do not think there are any solutions beyond get a full time job with good earning potential, rent and save unfortunately. Sounds worth it to be rid of that E-wanking lump to me

kcieciara · 28/07/2023 14:08

There definitely will be a way, low income support etc, you may have to go into a smaller house etc as cheaper rent, depending where your DC will be most of the time he may have to pay you child maintenance etc, id have a look on rightmove rent & zoopla rent etc i know multiple people that were self employed and also had low incomes and no credit history that were able to rent so definitely do able, the hard part will be emotionally so I hope you’re okay but honestly don’t give him the time of the day to make you anymore miserable the sad reality is he does not respect you or your dc for what he’s doing to you!

kcieciara · 28/07/2023 14:09

Pull your money out the house if you can and if not enough for a deposit on another save it and use it for rent

Original poster
paisleypurple · 28/07/2023 14:14

Backstreets · 28/07/2023 14:06

Do not think there are any solutions beyond get a full time job with good earning potential, rent and save unfortunately. Sounds worth it to be rid of that E-wanking lump to me

I think you're right. I think I can save enough for a years rent upfront pretty quickly. My job is seasonal and have have 7k saved up already. Rent is so expensive down here. I won't be able to get a salaried job until October due to my commitments with my business but I think it's the only way. Save goodbye to my business because of him and his shi*tty ways. Another kick for me :(

OP posts:
StillPerplexed · 28/07/2023 14:24

You're doing the right thing in planning for the breakup. Would you consider moving somewhere cheaper as your work is seasonal, and travelling when you need to? 7k is enough of a cushion if you go somewhere properly cheap. After the split, you should be entitled to reasonable amount of maintenance.

Original poster
paisleypurple · 28/07/2023 14:27

StillPerplexed · 28/07/2023 14:24

You're doing the right thing in planning for the breakup. Would you consider moving somewhere cheaper as your work is seasonal, and travelling when you need to? 7k is enough of a cushion if you go somewhere properly cheap. After the split, you should be entitled to reasonable amount of maintenance.

I could move further. I'd remove myself from any sort of family and support though. I'll have to take a look.
I'll be finished with my busy season end of September. I'm trying to squirrel away as much as I can. A 3 bed rental here is £1,400 pm at least. Within a 10 mile radius anyway!

OP posts:
YoSof · 28/07/2023 14:31

Have a look on entitledto.co.uk to see if you’re entitled to any benefits.

Have a look at the child maintenance calculator.

Start making plans, he sounds vile and you deserve more.

StillPerplexed · 28/07/2023 14:32

It's a difficult balance, living cost vs family support. Usually the support is worth sticking with. If they're supportive, I would talk candidly with your family about your next steps, so they're clear about the dilemma you face. It might be that there's somewhere a little further out and cheaper that is still close enough to still see people.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/07/2023 14:48

Just to mention, you will be entitled to claim UC (including rent money even if you paid up front) provided you don't have more than £16,000 after you pay the rent money. Many places will allow you to do a 6 month initially ( so 6 months plus deposit up front) - get yourself on the housing list if you aren't already. Stay put whilst you sell the house if you possibly can - many people if they don't want to split make the house as 'unsaleable' as they can or put people off. If you do have equity you will have to use that but once below £16000 you can claim, and if below £6000 you will get more. You might be suprised at what you can get especially if you factor in maintanance as that doesn't count as 'income' - Make sure you know his income, where he works etc. I'm afraid in a situation like this you have to get quite hard nosed about it all to protect you and the kids.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 28/07/2023 14:53

Do you need a 3 bed? Wouldn't a 2 bed with the kids sharing work if they're young?

Original poster
paisleypurple · 28/07/2023 15:00

TheWayoftheLeaf · 28/07/2023 14:53

Do you need a 3 bed? Wouldn't a 2 bed with the kids sharing work if they're young?

I could do two bed. I've had a look a lot of them the second is a single bedroom. I recently helped a Ukrainian family find a home and I know landlords don't like to take on two children in a single room. We had 15 applicants per rental when we looked for the Ukrainian family and they had to put a year down upfront with a guarantor to get anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
paisleypurple · 28/07/2023 15:04

YoSof · 28/07/2023 14:31

Have a look on entitledto.co.uk to see if you’re entitled to any benefits.

Have a look at the child maintenance calculator.

Start making plans, he sounds vile and you deserve more.

Thank you. I've taken a look but I'm totally guessing his earnings. Separate bank account whereby he pays bills and I pay for everything else with my earnings

OP posts:
Original poster
paisleypurple · 28/07/2023 15:04

StillPerplexed · 28/07/2023 14:32

It's a difficult balance, living cost vs family support. Usually the support is worth sticking with. If they're supportive, I would talk candidly with your family about your next steps, so they're clear about the dilemma you face. It might be that there's somewhere a little further out and cheaper that is still close enough to still see people.

It really is. I know my mum would have us at her house which is what I'm tempted to do for a bit whilst I find my feet

OP posts:
Original poster
paisleypurple · 28/07/2023 15:06

Crikeyalmighty · 28/07/2023 14:48

Just to mention, you will be entitled to claim UC (including rent money even if you paid up front) provided you don't have more than £16,000 after you pay the rent money. Many places will allow you to do a 6 month initially ( so 6 months plus deposit up front) - get yourself on the housing list if you aren't already. Stay put whilst you sell the house if you possibly can - many people if they don't want to split make the house as 'unsaleable' as they can or put people off. If you do have equity you will have to use that but once below £16000 you can claim, and if below £6000 you will get more. You might be suprised at what you can get especially if you factor in maintanance as that doesn't count as 'income' - Make sure you know his income, where he works etc. I'm afraid in a situation like this you have to get quite hard nosed about it all to protect you and the kids.

Thank you. That's helpful. He earns very well, the joys of having a wife who accommodates you working crazy hours and gives up work to support your career. Made so many mistakes and should've looked out for myself more.
Going to try and find a way to find payslips but think they're all electronic!

OP posts:
StillPerplexed · 28/07/2023 15:12

paisleypurple · 28/07/2023 15:04

It really is. I know my mum would have us at her house which is what I'm tempted to do for a bit whilst I find my feet

Show quote history

If staying with your mum is feasible, I'd do that in a heartbeat. Allow you to maintain your business, make a clean break, and save up for your next steps.

supercali77 · 28/07/2023 15:27

Defo look at entitledto. As self employed I know you can go onto UC and not have the minimum income applied for the first year as a self employed person so it gives you a years grace. I'm not sure about what housing costs they might cover. But they'll cover (I think) 85% of your childcare costs, say if you had to put them into nursery or afterschool to work. Being on the mortgage will likely be a problem...I can't quite remember the details but a friend of mine tried to leave her husband, and her being on the shared mortgage was an issue, I think there was a thing where the house would have to be sold within a certain timeframe? I'm not sure, but something to consider which might not be immediately obvious on a calculator

supercali77 · 28/07/2023 15:31

Ah just checked, so basically, they will count your owned property as an asset for the purpose of benefits except for in the first 6 months (where you have left a partner or it's on the market etc). So after the first 6 mo, being on the mortgage becomes an issue with benefits

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/Jargon-buster/Disregarded-Property#:~:text=A%20property%20that%20you%20own,counted%20as%20capital%20for%20benefits.

Disregarded Property - Turn2us

This page has more information on Disregarded Property

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/Jargon-buster/Disregarded-Property#:~:text=A%20property%20that%20you%20own,counted%20as%20capital%20for%20benefits.

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