Mother being passive aggressive

[Doodles29]

Hello everyone.

I was due to be going out with my Mum today as she has the day off. This has been planned for a while.

When I saw her yesterday, she mentioned about walking the dogs together, then getting lunch and going to the cinema. I asked her what time I should be over for and she said something along the lines of ‘whenever you fancy’.

I put my dog in the car and called her at around 12 noon, saying I was 10 minutes away and asked her if she wanted to meet at the local park to walk the dogs before we go out.

At which point she passively aggressively said “well I’m out already walking my dog as I didn’t want to waste my day off waiting.” I said to her that we hadn’t arranged an exact time. To which she commented not to worry about seeing her today and that we were just going for a dog walk and lunch anyway. I reminded her about the cinema arrangement and that I assumed we would walk the dogs first and then leave them at home, go to the cinema and have lunch there in the afternoon. She responded again not to worry and that it is a lot to fit into one afternoon.

We said goodbye. But then I felt bad and called her again, reminding her that we had no set time. She again declined my offer to see me for the rest of the day.

I suffer with mental health and self-esteem issues, of which I am seeking counselling for. I have had feelings of rejection, feeling useless and not good enough before.

I put the phone down today and started crying. Am I the one being unreasonable? Should I have got to her sooner?

I’m 27, I don’t have many friends and I rely heavily on my Mum for company.

I feel very guilty. Especially as she is due to have my dogs for me on Monday when I go away on holiday for a week.

Part of what I have learnt in therapy is to just accept the reality of the situation and let it slide off my shoulders. I have done all I can. I told her it was a shame that we now can’t spend the rest of the day together.

Her response doesn't sound passive aggressive to me.
Don't forget, the older we get, the more tired we get. Maybe it genuinely is too much for her for an afternoon?!

I think she is just annoyed as she perhaps was up much earlier in the morning so in her mind she thought you would come first thing in the morning (like 9am). My dad wakes up around 5am so he is in the local food market already by 8am but someone else would only wake up that time. I would suggest next time fix certain time so it's clear for both of you. I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

When I was your age my mum got like this. It wore me down. I ended up managing it by leaving no room for misunderstanding, as there were so many cases of her assuming something of other people/situations that were purely in her head, then she’d get inexplicably angry and upset that people weren’t singing from the same hymn sheet. It was such hard work.

Then, lots of incidences of unreasonable behaviour later, it turned out she was having a full on depressive break down and was suicidal, and this was the cause of the behaviour.

Is it usual for her to be like this?

Leaving it til 12 is way too late, imo. If I don’t take out the dogs by about 10.30, they get very twitchy and it feels like most of the day has been wasted. Why didn’t you organise a definite time? I find that odd. I wouldn’t want to hang round half the day for someone to turn up.

I think your mum has behaved very unreasonably. No wonder your MH has suffered if she treats you with this lack of consideration regularly. There was obviously a difference in expectations about the timing of your day together but an easy compromise could have been reached of just going to the cinema or having lunch together.

Agree with @Cherrysoup , if lunch was involved I would have expected to start dog walking earlier not at lunchtime. This is a miscommunication issue between you although she could have been a bit more gracious about it. In future specify an actual time to start, then you can negotiate between you. Looks like you've tried to mind read each other and got it wrong. No Biggie, just improve future communication!

I would have assumed meeting around 10.30 to fit all that in - lunch is between 12 and 1 for me though.
As your mum didn’t set a fix time she also needs to take some responsibility that the plans went wrong. It’s a shame she cancelled the whole day, but it probably comes from a place of disappointment. And no doubt you also feel disappointed now too.

Your mum wants things exactly as she wants them but won’t say, preferring not to plan. It sounds exhausting. it’s not you it’s her. In future if you want to be around her, and that’s a big if because she punishes you for not guessing exactly what she wants you to do, then always throw back a time. Eg.
“what time shall I come over?”
”anytime”
ok, see around 12pm then”
…. Option to object now in place.

I think she’s controlling. You tried to agree a time and she refused, leaving the ball in your court, but she also expected you to be a mind reader and do what worked for her despite her refusing to engage in this. She then got in a strop because you didn’t manage to read her mind and therefore she refused everything nice to punish you, and to make herself a martyr.

My mother is like this. This shows narcissistic tendencies. It also usually comes from a place of their own trauma where they were neglected and so they want someone to ‘see’ them without them having to communicate their needs. It’s deeply unhealthy behaviour. Most healthy adults realise that you need to communicate your needs because people are all different and it doesn’t mean people love you less because you told them what you need - in fact, it’s the opposite.

I am not sure how to help them with this behaviour tbh. I’ve gone low contact with my own mother because of these games. Just know you will NEVER do anything good enough for her while she’s like this because nobody could. She sets it up that way. And it’s absolutely not your fault.

I think you were unreasonable to leave home at lunchtime, if you knew the plan was to walk the dogs before lunch. That sounds like a whole day of plans to me, unless you were thinking the cinema would be a showing in the evening?

She was a bit unreasonable to either have not called you to ask where you were when it got to the point she was deciding whether to start the walk without you, or she could have told you where she was and you could have met her mid walk. But I expect she was a bit upset she'd been left hanging and felt like you were not being respectful of her time.

I also think you were a bit unreasonable if you felt bad so called her back to say you hadn't set a time. You'd already said that. If you felt bad you should have called her to say sorry, not to blame her.

i hate passive aggressiveness - its controlling and horrible and your mom is really behaving like a child. If she wanted to meet earlier, she could have and should have used her words and suggested a time. She's thrown a bit of a tantrum and made herself look like a nelly, dont let it get under your skin, she's being ridiculous. She could have salvaged the day easily by saying, I'm a bit cross you didnt come earlier, but it was just a miscommunication - I dont have the energy to try and do everything in an afternoon, but lets grab lunch once the dogs are done. Instead of which she started sulking and wouldnt do anything.
If you want to manage her going forward (since she is obviously too immature to be the adult here), make sure to spell out the time you are meeting, and exactly what the order and programme of events will be.
You also really need to try to meet people outside of your mum; if you had more friends and acquaintances outside of her, her actions wouldnt have the power to cause such guilt and anxiety in you. Maybe think of joining a hobby, walking group, dog walkers group, church or volunteer group and try to widen your circle a bit xxx

Yup

You keep having to bend like a willow to accommodate her constant motion and you are trying to keep one step ahead of her mood swings.
Which is an impossible task.

It's very hard to relate to an unpredictable, inconsistent, 'moving' object like this.

It's no bloody wonder you find it hard to make friends, because the most important relationship of your life has taught you that you can give your affection to someone, but you'll never know the day or the hour when you'll be dismissed or rejected.

In future after a plan is made take it with a pinch of salt and say I'd say something like 'I'll text you early tomorrow and see if it still suits both of us'.

There's a good book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that's worth a read. And yeah you better keep it under the mattress in case she calls around 😆

Your mother is a narcissist and you’ve had the Special Training such adult children receive to put her needs first with your own dead last. I am not surprised to read that you’ve had problems making friends either, she’s the root cause as Seaweed42 has correctly surmised.

You may also want to read Will I ever be good enough? by Karyn McBride. Do not let her see that book either.

You behave like I did when I was your age. I am a broken shell of my former self now. Change!!!!!

I think your mum is being passive aggressive tbh. I dont think you have done anything to feel bad about. You sound kind and caring, your mum unfortunately does not. She could have picked up the phone at any time to check your arrival time! Dont fall out over this, but if she has a dig at you about this later suggest to her that you both agree a time to meet in future so that there is no room for misunderstanding. And I hope you have a lovely holiday!