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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dad & daughter relationship, what do i do!

28 replies

missxisla · 28/07/2023 11:45

long one,
i have 3 children, 2 with my ex now 8YOb and 10YOg, we sepearted about 4 years ago.
long story short hes a horrible man and never put his kids first, always the relationships with others. only wants to see them when convenient for him and really unworkable. when we was together he idolised our daughter and didnt care about our son at all, my daughter and him had an amazing relationship. when we split both children spent time with him and our daughter would always come home and say that dad was mean to me, locked her in the garden locked her in the bathroom, told them mum didnt love them or want to speak to them because i was with a new boyfriend, told the children lots and lots of harmful things and told me that he had forced our daughter at the time to have a shower with him. when he would collect them our daughter would absoloutely scream and we had to physically force her to go and he was of no help at all. she has been insistent for the last 3 years of not seeing him and we havent been succesful in getting her to go, mainly because dad doesnt help at all. weve been through courts and theyve said shes not to be forced to go and that she can see him if she wishes, shes chosen never to see him again. my worry is when she was 8 she had vaginal bleeding and i suspected she had started her period early. went to the drs and they said she was on the cusp of it being normal and not becuase she was so young, had multiple appts at the hospital which confirmed it was not her period. my worry is and i dont want to belive it which is why ive never bought it up that something has happened to her. she has additional needs and i absoloutely cannot put her through getting examined but i cant shake this feeling. the hate and turmoil she holds about her father is extreme and even when her brother talks about his dad she crys and tells him she doesnt want to hear his name. what do i do.
also its worth nothing that this man has dragged me through the courts for 4 years now and he doesnt actually care about the kids at all its just for show. also he hid he had a new son for over a year. hes just very bizzare

OP posts:
strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 11:50

If you have proof your daughter has been raped by her father then why haven't you gone to the police about it?

Original poster
missxisla · 28/07/2023 11:59

there is no proof. we have been going through the courts for 4 years but she is selective mutism and autistic and putting her through examinations would be too much for her. i have had conversations with her and asked if anyone has done anything inappropriate and she's said no. I'm just worried because she had an amazing relationship with him whilst he was still in the home and now she absolutely hates him and has done for years. what if i say something and I'm wrong? i don't want to traumatise her further. i obviously need to deal with this in the least traumatic way for her.

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 28/07/2023 12:01

If you suspect your child has been sexually abused then you have to report it. No ifs, no buts, you have to.

Luucylu · 28/07/2023 12:02

You’re potentially traumatising your daughter more in the long by not reporting it and seeking professional help now.

strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 12:03

I would have expected the hospital to inform social services if they felt it wasn't her period.
You have an obligation to report this, as you don't know if he's doing it or will do it to another child.

MNetcurtains · 28/07/2023 12:05

MrTiddlesTheCat · 28/07/2023 12:01

If you suspect your child has been sexually abused then you have to report it. No ifs, no buts, you have to.

Which would necessitate and intimate examination, I assume. Something the OP does not want to subject her to. Very tricky.

Newusernameaug · 28/07/2023 12:07

And that’s exactly why you report it to get her the best possible care and treatment!
treatment by professionals who know how to deal with sexually traumatised children - her selective mutism is most likely because of the trauma.

If a child is telling you something and that they don’t want to see their abuser and you try and force them what does that tell the child - that you don’t listen to them!! So why bother speaking at all.

id be heading down a police station today and getting every supper I could for my children, not covering up for their father.

Crunchingleaf · 28/07/2023 12:10

What are you hoping to achieve here? Are you trying to encourage her to have a relationship with him or are you trying to keep him away from her?
Surely the hospital would have passed on any concerns they had to social services. Do you think he harmed her?

Daffodil18 · 28/07/2023 12:10

You cannot report anything because you have no basis for this - just yet. If you do then it will be very traumatic and nothing will come of it. She is in no danger because she does not see him. I do think it all sounds a little strange but as she has autism, her behaviour could be down to this. As she is now 10 it would be worth having a chat more specifically about her dad and why she doesn’t like him and that nothing bad will happen to anyone if she tells you and that nobody should tell her to keep secrets.

Original poster
missxisla · 28/07/2023 12:14

they didnt, i didnt think any thing of it at the time, looking back to now all her behaviours and refusals to speak. i was in a DV relationship with her father and i told my worker about my concerns and she didn't tell me to report it, im assuming because of her reluctance to speak and my concerns that it would traumatise her further. i think im fearful that it was quite some time ago and she wouldnt speak to anyone proffesional because of her additional needs. she is the best little girl ive ever met and i really dont want to harm her further. she doesnt even go to school anymore as its too tramatic for her and she has severe attachment to me. shes so loved by me and i think if i 100% thought it had happened of course i would go to the police, but im just not sure. all her behaviours tell me that somethings happend. but there would never be any evidence of it now in legal terms. im just trying to do the best for her that i can, she doesnt go with him anymore

OP posts:
strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 12:14

Daffodil18 · 28/07/2023 12:10

You cannot report anything because you have no basis for this - just yet. If you do then it will be very traumatic and nothing will come of it. She is in no danger because she does not see him. I do think it all sounds a little strange but as she has autism, her behaviour could be down to this. As she is now 10 it would be worth having a chat more specifically about her dad and why she doesn’t like him and that nothing bad will happen to anyone if she tells you and that nobody should tell her to keep secrets.

The hospital has confirmed the bleeding was not a period. I think that's evidence enough for some form of investigation and I'm surprised it's been left alone.

Original poster
missxisla · 28/07/2023 12:16

i just want o add that i absolouteky despise their father and have done everything in my power to keep them away from him, he has dragged us through court for 4 years, its difficult because our son loves him and wants to see him even tho hes amotionally abusing him

OP posts:
teachername · 28/07/2023 12:16

This does need to be addressed. Is DD in mainstream? If so, she will soon be hearing about sex and relationships as part of education in school so this could raise all sorts of trauma for her.

You could contact NSPCC or other charities (National Autistic Society etc) and ask for support or guidance. Has she had the PANTS chat yet? Might be worth looking at with both your children to see what they say (no prompting from you) or if DD can draw it out or even comic strip if anything happened that she can't talk about.

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/

Original poster
missxisla · 28/07/2023 12:21

im trying to keep her away from him and hes not bothered about seeing her now anyway its our son that he wants to see. my thoughts are the hospital would have reported it if they has suspected anything so i think that made me thing nothing happened. im just trying to do the right thing for her, not him! i tried having a chat with her a few days ago about it and she gets quite upset and says no mum nothings happened. ive tried speaking to her about it a few times now ands shes always said the same thing

OP posts:
teachername · 28/07/2023 12:21

Do you get any support now @missxisla from professionals? Are both your children home educated, or still on roll, or is DS in school? If he is still in school you could ask to discuss with safeguarding lead.

CAHMS involved? Early help?

Original poster
missxisla · 28/07/2023 12:27

absoloutely deep down i dont think anything has happened but i cant get away from that niggling doubt. but then if i think if i did think something had happened i would have gone to the police so i really dont no what to think. i think its very bizzare that a girl could love her dad so much then have absoloutely no love for him at all. i think the behaviours since then looking back all paint a fairly awful picture that i dont want to belive. but then if i report it its more trauma for her which i 100% belive she would no cope with. and the fact she doesnt have to see him so shes safe. i think im trying to negotiate with my self that it isnt that but in fact when i write it down it all points to that. my mum said it years ago once because she was in such a state about going with him and shes always said something isnt right. she doesnt see my daughter often so it was hard to listen to her views because shes always like that with her dad. ive told a close friend about it too. i think another worry i have is if i say something he will tell the courts that im malicious and possibly get custody of my children then what

OP posts:
Original poster
missxisla · 28/07/2023 12:30

no shes in a SEN setting although she isnt able to attend. i like to think me and her have an amazing relationship and she could tell me. i am the only one she will talk to properly and she is never left with anyone other than myself. shes always with me except when she was visiting her dad.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 28/07/2023 12:31

She needs to talk to someone who is not you, someone who is trained in talking to vulnerable young people.
Something may of happened, and she is unable to tell you - this can be for lots of reasons; guilt, threats, coercion.
Please speak to some professionals

Original poster
missxisla · 28/07/2023 12:33

she has occupational therapist and speech and language weekly but nothing now as shes not in school, shes still on roll at her SEN school but theyve said they cant meet needs so she was supposed to go to a independant sen school but she is unable to because of her severe anxiety. shes been home for 6 months whilst we are waiting for a home tutor and honestly shes made so much progress through being at home. shes much happier and plays with all the local children now. maybe this is why im thinking about it all now as i feel like weve made such progress and i can finally concentrate on the reasons why shes been the way she is rather than dealing with the here and now if that makes sense

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 28/07/2023 12:40

OP it does appear very likely that your DD is suffering from trauma (it may or may not be what you think). The priority here is finding a way to help her with this trauma. It will not go away. Have you looked into options for therapy in your area? Given the ASD and selective mutism things like play therapy, art therapy, equine therapy might be more suitable for her.

It sounds like when split happened your ex started treating her differently and you describe the relationship as abusive so it wouldn’t be unusual for such a man to take things out on a child to punish their ex. That alone would be very traumatic for a child. She idolised him and he has either hurt her or rejected her.

If your son still sees him then you also have to put in lots of work with him too. You obviously can’t come out and say to him he is being emotionally abused. But he does need support too.

lemmein · 28/07/2023 12:40

When the dr said it wasn't her period did they examine her?

I'd get advice from the NSPCC on this OP, maybe they can put you in touch with a therapist who deals with ND kids. Whatever the cause there's obviously some trauma at the root of it.

Awful situation to be in - I wouldn't try to deal with this alone.

Maddy70 · 28/07/2023 12:46

She could now not be wanting to see him just because he's in a different home. If she has sen Change is very traumatic for any child let alone one with Sen

If the hospital thought that anything untoward would have happened, even a suspicion it would get flagged

Original poster
missxisla · 28/07/2023 12:46

my son was receiving counselling from DV sevrice but that has just ended. its sad for both of them and my son doesnt see him regurlarly at the moment. hes only had contact twice since last year and both times the police had to be called. the judge has said no contact untill at least our nexh hearing in october. and now we have cafcass involved who are doing indepth work with both our children which im so relived about. my worry is my son feels he needs to protect his father and my daughter absoloutely hates him. he has let them both down so much which is why i think it could be that hes hurt her emotionally and really let her down which is why she hates him. hes not a very nice person but even i dont think he would do that. my interests are whats best for the children hes interests are his self image

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 28/07/2023 12:47

ExtraOnions · 28/07/2023 12:31

She needs to talk to someone who is not you, someone who is trained in talking to vulnerable young people.
Something may of happened, and she is unable to tell you - this can be for lots of reasons; guilt, threats, coercion.
Please speak to some professionals

Also totally agree with this

Brk · 28/07/2023 12:47

Newusernameaug · 28/07/2023 12:07

And that’s exactly why you report it to get her the best possible care and treatment!
treatment by professionals who know how to deal with sexually traumatised children - her selective mutism is most likely because of the trauma.

If a child is telling you something and that they don’t want to see their abuser and you try and force them what does that tell the child - that you don’t listen to them!! So why bother speaking at all.

id be heading down a police station today and getting every supper I could for my children, not covering up for their father.

The problem is, @Newusernameaug , that reporting rape does not result in “the best possible care”

  • many rape victims say that the police investigation and examinations were even worse than the actual rape
  • female police officers often say publicly that if they were raped they would not report it
  • even if a report of rape is investigated, the chance of sending the rapist to prison is less than 1%.

OP you will never know exactly what happened to her and why she bled, all you can do is cut off all contact with the father and be more careful in future who she spends time with. I would never have physically forced her to see him, and his locking her in the garden/bathroom was child abuse.

I wish you and your daughter the best.