"Amazing" dads

[TheAverageJoanne]

The times I see this trotted out here and then we find the amazing dad has cheated on the mother of his kids, abused her, badly disrespected and so on.

Why do posters make this caveat? Do these men compartmentalise? Help me understand it because I don't. Amazing dads don't bully or cheat.

And what's meant by "amazing"? This same word used by many many posters to describe normal parenting activity.

The bar is so low for men that "amazing" can mean anything from SAHD who home Eds and cooks from scratch to "well, he doesn't hit me"

Are bring an amazing dad and an amazing partner mutually exclusive?

I guess if someone has low standards in a partner, that will likely carry over into what they expect from them as a father.

No idea.

I also wonder how there can be so many new partners/stepdads who the children ‘adore.’

Maybe they are just meaningless phrases that catch on.

My most horrifying surprise in my 12 years on Mn is not that so many people believed the Channel Tunnel was a glass tube through which people could admire fish, but the number of unequal or actively abusive relationships in which posters genuinely appear to have no idea that this is the case, and routinely claim that some fuckwit Neanderthal is a ‘fantastic dad’..

And the generally low standards for male behaviour, manners, co-parenting, conversation etc. I think the low-grade jokiness about men ‘not seeing dirt’ is profoundly depressing. As is the repeated mantra ‘I have to be a SAHM/ work very PT because DH’s job can’t be done flexibly, and ‘they’ don’t let him adjust his hours to do drop-offs or pick-ups’.

Sadly I think it's down to modelling. Part of why I think my DH is awesome is because he models to our children how good relationships should be. I've seen the results of this with DD, who has found it very easy to walk away for men with low standards, on the basis that she knew her dad would never behave like that. I, on the other hand, struggled with this when I was younger as my dad was a bullying arse.

This is a fantastic insight @MissesMorkan ! I can't believe I missed that thread about the Channel Tunnel.

Back OT, people seem to have incredibly low expectations for male behaviour. I can only assume as a PP said there must have been some terrible role modelling going on in posters' own upbringings, such that the bar has ended up being set rather too low. It's really sad.

On the other hand, the nature of the forum is that people post here when they are in distress or have a problem, which may create a bias in representation.

Usually when an ‘amazing dad’ is described it sounds more like ‘fun uncle’ eg plays with them on Sunday mornings, reads them a story on Friday nights. Then bring in the cheating and/or abuse and he’s not even a fun uncle.

I suspect it’s possible to be an OK/good partner and an amazing Dad. I’m not sure if it’s possible the other way round.

People definitely have different definitions but I don’t think we can always be amazing in all areas of our life at the same time.

I always cringe when I'm told that someone is a "hands on" father... noone would ever say- she's a hands on mother, it's expected from.women, whereas for men, as soon as they help out with childcare, they are paraded.

I think it should be a given... women have been in the workforce for decades, pulling their weight and are still.mostly hands on mothers.

Apart from getting pregnant, going through childbirth and breastfeeding, a father can do exactly what a mother can do.

I think if we parade someone, it should be both parents, because raising children is hard

Indeed.

‘He beats me black and blue every weekend, steals my benefits, won’t do any housework and pesters me for sex as well as cheating on me with my best friend. But he’s an amazing dad!’

No. No, he isn’t.

I saw a tiktok yesterday of a woman who was saying that her dh took their two kids round the supermarket and three people stopped him and said what a good dad he was. Obviously she never gets that.

The first comment on the video? A bloke saying "so did you go into motherhood for the praise?"

😩

That was just a joke, @Mummysalwaysright — about those threads where people thought unicorns were a real animal until they were 35, or that armadillos were legendary, or that Truro was an Italian seaside resort, or that Chequers was in France, you know the ones.

But while it’s definitely interesting (and mildly horrifying) to think that a significant number of people thought Brunei was in Eastern Europe, or that Roald Dahl had ‘made up’ Kuala Lumpar until they read the thread, it’s the relationship stuff that blows my mind in a sad way.

Generally just means he doesn’t hit the kids, plays with them sometimes and maybe even does some bedtimes and takes them to the park/his mum’s.

It's a phrase that really annoys me especially when they say I know he's going to be an amazing Dad when they haven't even had the child. Yet the father to be in question still goes out four nights a week, spends all Saturday watching football and socialising, doesn't help with any house work etc etc. I always think what on Earth makes you think he's going to be amazing Dad?

Men don't have a complete personality change after a baby's been born. If they were useless and selfish before they'll be exactly the same. They're the type that'll go on a three day bender with their mates 'to wet the baby's head' when the mother could really do with them helping with night feeds.