Men and their fucking personality disorders

[Jingleballsup]

Looking at the titles of a lot of these threads in relationships. Some men are so shit. Why?! I myself, am starting afresh with my daughter, after marrying my husband...8 months later he tried to take his own life, I found him unconscious (slit his wrists) because he had been lying to me since the day we met and it was about to be discovered.
Please never rely on anyone other than yourself....If in doubt, don't. Don't put up with their shit and never ever stay with a mistake simply because you've spent a long time making it. These are things I've finally learnt at the age of 47.

I think we all know when a relationship is no good for us!

Sorry he attempted suicide, he has my sympathy. Hope he is being supported.

Wait hang on, wtf had gone on!

So all 'men' yeah and women are perfectly stable always reasonable never have issues? sure I get you have problems but stop blaming it on half the population because you chose him

OP, you’ve had a massive shock and it sounds like it’ll take you time to recover from it. Hope you’re getting support.

I know these are just words on a page but sometimes threads can end up not being very helpful, especially if people forget we’re in Relationships not AIBU, so take the good advice and avoid the rest.

Good grief,doesn't it make you wonder if some responses are from some delusional posters?..

I thought my kind husband had he had his own money, hard earned from his years living in Singapore. He returned to be near his forgetful lonely dad after his mum died.

Unknown to me, he was borrowing money, nearly £100k from his father, but he had a massive pension fund to mature in 4 year's time. He was going to pay him back. We would also then buy a house together. His dad then got poorly and declined with dementia very quickly and had to go in a home. We were going to have to move into rented accommodation. I found out the truth when he decided to try an end his life.

He had to admit there was no pension fund and it was all elaborate lies. I had sold my small home (he knew all along no money was coming) to move in with them to help look after his dad and keep him company. Borrowed money from another family member for our wedding...Anyway it is more complicated than this but would take a long time to explain. I helped him, I nursed him, I got us out, found us a rental home, paid rent in advance, gave him a second chance. He promised was going to get a good job turn it all around get help for why he lied to me and his family for 4 years. Pretending to everyone he was financially secure instead of getting a job and working. He would change. Well he didn't get a good job, he didn't get help, he has financially cost me thousands of pounds and put us through hell. I asked him why he did all this...he could of told me the truth. I loved him not the idea of his money. He said he got comfy and thought something would happen to make it right (buying lottery tickets) and the money he borrowed would simply come off his inheritance. Me, a smart hard working woman somehow managed to marry Walter Mitty. I feel stupid, hurt, angry, sorry for him, I loved him and it was all a sham. I tried to get him help.

For anyone who thinks I chose an unstable man. No I chose narcissistic liar who deceived me and those around him who became unstable when the net closed in.
I have just managed to get back on the mortgage ladder...alone. Just. Me and my daughter are together and we will be ok.

I should add of course I know not all men have personality disorders and its not exclusively men who have them. However this post is based on my experience and reading the threads in this section.

You have every right to be angry at your husband, OP! But it’s really not fair to tar all men with personality disorders with the same brush. Many of them get treatment and work hard on themselves and they don’t deserve such blanket statements.

You have my immense sympathy op. I uncovered a similar network of financial lies with my now ex. Not before he cost me 40 grand, not before he got his mother to remortgage into an interest only mortgage and lend him a fortune he couldn't pay back and she, trusting him, didn't realise she wasn't paying against the capital for years on her home. There's more, and all becoming apparent as me, his sister and mum all started talking. His reaction to not being lent any more money? Accuse people of abusing him.

For those saying to op...well you got involved with a mentally unstable person...they don't present like that at all. You have to understand these are essentially con men but instead of grifting randoms, they grift dear old ma, or uncle so and so who's getting a bit forgetful. It works well because those nearest and dearest are inclined to excuse and forgive, at least brush it under the carpet. Certainly don't involve the police. I'm not even sure what kind of crime it would come under besides coercive control.

Plenty of people out there with personality disorders, men and women.

Without derailing this thread, I have thought a lot about these types...the grifters who operate within family networks. There must be enough of them about but you dont hear much about them publicly (by comparison to the Dear John types) for the very reason that the family tends to keep it among themselves. They work the people closest to them by pulling the levers of sympathy or intimidation. And if that fails or revelation is close, they become extremely unstable, have breakdowns etc. And everyone backs off because....family. I've yet to find any decent information on this kind of abuse

@supercali77 I had a narrow escape back in the early 1990s. I refused him money! He moved on quickly from me to a woman whom I understand he love bombed and married. She wouldn’t be warned about him by anyone, and his own family, to whom he owed tens of thousands, went mysteriously quiet and didn’t warn her either. Maybe they just wanted rid of him.

He was an absolute grifter and con artist, pretended to be sensitive and musical.

She was an artist from a nice middle class family who didn’t see him coming at all. He was absolutely shameless. It ended badly, rather in the manner of the OP’s traumatic experience.

Personality Disorders are very real and horrific to live with. Don’t minimise them.

Of course not all men have personality disorders and its not exclusively men. Just that last night with a glass of wine (or two) reading some of the threads in here together with my experience it's all so shocking and frequent and sad that these grown up men behave in such a way to someone they love or loved once.
I accept we choose our relationships and I have to live with that everyday. But I believe in second chances....but not third or fourth and you can't make someone help themselves if they don't think they are the problem or that they make you think your are. Or its your fault they cheated.

Trust and believe in yourself, know you deserve better, and don't be ever be scared of starting again.

@AutumnCrow Sounds about right 😭 . Re the family, I wasn't warned either but I dont think they'd really put it together at that point, maybe the same was true for this musos family.

I escaped from one recently, he hid his narcissistic tendencies well but as the net was closing in - his business was operating on fumes and he was borrowing from his family to keep it going. He has been more and more erratic in his behaviours and I couldn't take his more unhinged behaviours so ended it. He was on plenty of fish within the week, trying to find another mug. He didn't seem like a lying narc at the beginning, it took me 2 years to figure him out. He also hardly worked, his business consisted of him playing computer games and when anyone called about his actual business, he would kick the cab down the road for any requests to make him look more busy and successful than he was.

But yes not all men are like this, there are some fantastic men out there. And some women are unhinged. But I get your point, lots of women are getting let down by men, but also, men by women. I do think the latter is less though.

Trust and believe in yourself, know you deserve better, and don't be ever be scared of starting again.

I like that Well done on getting out instead of being dragged down even further.

never ever stay with a mistake simply because you've spent a long time making it

I like this too, from the OP.

Every day I ask myself why take advantage of your darling kind old dad instead of getting a job?! Keeping that from me suggested you knew it was wrong.. Why lie to me and to my daughter who you also appeared to love as your own? I was a single mum with a very small pot, my pot. It wasn't like you had much to gain?
These questions have all become rhetorical as I will never understand why or get the proper answers.

I would love to understand what makes people do stuff like this and behave badly to their loved ones in the first place. Is it a mental illness or just nasty and abusive? Maybe both. I don't know.

They're above 'getting a job'. Thats for the general population. Manipulation and lying in order to exploit is abusive however its stacked

WOW!

@Jingleballsup I had an experience a little like this with a guy I lived with between my two marriages. Met him on the old 'dialadate' (pre on line dating). Charming, fun, seemed kind, decent looking. Used to make an effort to come and visit me most weekends as I lived 50 miles away.

I moved over to his house after 3 months (more fool me) within 6 months it was clear he had an alcohol problem and not much work ethic (he had lied about his job too to me) and once I had a good job used me to live the life he fancied rather than the one he could afford. He had definite champagne tastes and beer money wages. Got very possessive and it started getting difficult to do anything without him and he was bleeding me dry too. I ended up quitting my job, getting a live in job and doing a runner- a particularly horrible time. I too am intelligent and consider myself savvy and can't believe I got involved with someone like that.

It made me very wary !!