Bf and the future

[fallenbehind90]

I am 33, my bf is 34. We have been together 2 years. We live separately - about 30 mins from each other. He has a shared ownership flat, I have a (tiny) mortgaged house.

Living separately works well for us - we both enjoy our own space and I like having time to 'miss him'. He plays sport in the evenings and I am often working so we have seen little point in being together during the week. We spend weekends together and have been on 5 week long holidays together.

We have spoken about the future - he says he wants a future with me, wants children with me etc. I am painfully aware of my biological clock but I wouldn't be in a position to be able to have a baby until 2025 as I begin a 14 month career related course in January which will expand my earning potential.

We have said we would like to try to live together before having a baby so we are going to start spending one weeknight together which will then increase over time. Not ideal as it means one of us will be further away from our place of work but needs must. Eventually we would like to move into our own place but with it wouldn't be sensible to have the upheaval of that whilst I am doing my course.

So we have said that once my course is over we will think about moving into a place together and trying for a baby, yet it is me doing a lot of the planning for it. For example, I am saving hard. Bf isn't a big spender but isn't a big earner either and when I have spoken to him about the future and having money to raise a child he just says 'others manage with less'. When I bring up the cost of childcare, he says his parents would want to help out (and they probably would to be fair - they have made comments along those lines in the past). To be clear, he does save, just not very much. I am thinking of areas we might live. He joins in but does say that I don't need to worry about it yet, which I suppose I don't. He is quite inert as a person eg he's not particularly happy in his job but does little to change it. I am much more proactive.

Do I need to calm down? I read so much about future fakers that it does worry me. And sometimes I think my bf's expectations of everything working out fine without much planning/forethought are unrealistic. But am I just a bit of a control freak/micromanager?

Thoughts?

My thoughts are that you seem to have very different personalities and priorities.

You are ambitious and driven. He isn't.

You are motivated by success and financial reward. He isn't.

He is quite happy to bumble along and cross bridges when he gets to them. You are not.

Neither of you is right and neither of you is wrong. But you are very different and have very different approaches to life. It's likely that, as the years go by, you will become frustrated by his lack of oomph and he will feel he is never living up to your expectations.

You will feel he is holding you back; he will feel like nothing is ever good enough for you.

I wonder what he's waiting for tbh? You've been together 2 years already and you're hardly young, so why are you not engaged?

I'd personally have a deadline in my mind and if he didn't meet it, I'd be off.

I have seen this happen many times before. You have it all worked out with your career and then the baby will be the icing on the top after you get married when your career is at a high.

Except that once your career plans are finalised all your cards will fall on the floor like a game of 52 cars pick up as he will not commit to marriage and a child as he's enjoying the arrangement too much.

You then hear the tick tick tick tick of the clock for having a baby and time is running out to meet someone and spend enough time with them before getting married and starting a family.

Meeting desirable candidates as you near your late thirties is hard as they may already have children and don't want more.

You will find that your ex will suddenly meet someone and have a baby together very quickly.

Think very carefully now at 33 about what your main goal is in life. If it's to be a mother then this guy may not be the one as he's very laid back and enjoying his life as it is and doesn't appear too concerned about making any changes in the future.

You have it all mapped out like a train journey but I really don't think he's onboard.

I'd be very wary of his 'bumbling' actually being an avoidance tactic. After 2 years, if marriage and babies are meant to be on the cards, there should be a bit more commitment now. Sounds like a weekend girlfriend suits him just fine

@GreyCarpet yes I do think we are very different in that respect. In some ways it's good because he balances me but when it comes to things like this it is extremely frustrating.

@Dacadactyl well to be fair I haven't been in a rush until recently. We did talk about moving in together about a year ago and I wasn't keen for it at that point. I like my independence, free time and space but I also understand that I will need to sacrifice that for a family life. I feel that we have only really started to get to know each other properly since the second year of our relationship (eg conflict resolution, no longer being on our 'best behaviour' etc .Marriage and children is a big decision and neither of us want to rush into anything but if things are still good in about 14 months I think that is enough time to know whether it will work.

@Dombasle I read about this happening and this is one of my fears. I have expressed this to him yet he assures me he is committed. We did nearly break up earlier in the year but he was desperate to make things work - if he felt it was easy/convenient to find someone else wouldn't he have gone then?

@whitebreadjamsandwich if I am honest, being a weekend girlfriend suited me up until very recently when I started to consider my biological clock. Things have changed for me now though. He is making the right noises and seems to be on board with spending more time together during the week etc so I don't know if it is that he doesn't want to commit or whether he is just not as proactive as me...

yes I do think we are very different in that respect. In some ways it's good because he balances me but when it comes to things like this it is extremely frustrating.

I suppose ot depends on whether you want to be balanced out. Or certainly whether you want to be 'balanced out' for the rest of your life.

Neither of you is going to change. Can you see yourself becoming more laid back and 🤷🏻‍♀️? Can you see him suddenly wanting to be more on top of things? These aspects of people don't usually change.

Imagine what it would be like when you have children, want to book holidays, housework, planning for housemoves or extensions or whatever.

We did nearly break up earlier in the year but he was desperate to make things work - if he felt it was easy/convenient to find someone else wouldn't he have gone then?

Not necessarily. It sounds like he is someone who takes the path of least resistance and likes the easy life.

The question you need to ask is, are you happy being the driving force behind everything forever?

@GreyCarpet good questions. For the most part I do like the balance he offers and I don't mind being the driving force because (selfishly) it means we generally do things I want/the way I want. I'm not sure I'd like someone who has equally strong opinions and preferences lol, just someone who was keen to prepare for the future in the same way as me although admittedly this has only been a concern for me in the last few weeks really whereas before I was quite happy to bumble along too.I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking that the grass is greener because he is a very good partner in many other ways.

He is proactive in some areas eg booking and organising holidays so he can work towards short term goals but longer term goals just seem so nebulous for him. Thank you for your questions, they are helping me to consider everything.

He is proactive in some areas eg booking and organising holidays so he can work towards short term goals but longer term goals just seem so nebulous for him.

So he can plan when it's something he wants and is interested in then. So the fact he doesn't plan for joint things, eg better wages, saving, future home, isnt a good sign. It's not that he is incapable , it's that he doesn't care enough.

He's not laid back, he's not easy to get on with. He's lazy, selfish and quite prepared to get others to do the donkey work. I bet he will be quite happy for you to take on the running of the house, the childcare, rearranging things when the baby is ill, the thinking. But woe betide you if you get it wrong.

You need someone who not only thinks like you but has the same drive. It only breeds resentment later on.

I think what is important is establishing whether he's just easy going or whether he's kicking the can down the road. And what you want from a relationship in general. You need to try and establish whether he is lazy and selfish or whether he's just more laid back; whether your differences complement each other or whether they will be the thing that ultimately push you apart as one feels held back and the other feels dragged along.

It makes sense that you are starting to feel that you want to progress things more. I suppose, if that's a change for you, you need to give him some space to get up to the same speed. Not so long that it never happens but a bit of time and space to get his head around it.

It doesn't sound like he's lazy and unmotivated just that the bigger, longer term stuff is a bit more difficult for him to visualise/conceptualise eg where you might live in the future. I suppose it depends on whether you are going to be frustrated by things like his lack of impetus to change a job he doesn't like etc or happy to let him pootle along at his own pace while you get on with doing your thing. He lives alone so presumably he's self sufficient and domesticated? See what he's like when you spend more time together.

I've read posts on here by ambitious and driven women who've assumed their partner would become.more like them and it's eventually frustrated them that they didn't. And also lots of future fakers who've said what they needed to to maintain their own comfort and the status quo.

I'm a lot more like your partner than you. I'm good with the short term stuff but looking too far ahead makes me feel a bit overwhelmed - I can't really picture it. A bit more nebulous as you say!

I'm happy for someone else to take the lead but for something huge like moving in together - it needs to be a bit more softly sofly catchy monkey.

I'm late 40s. I've lived alone for 12 years with my children. I assumed I'd never live with anyone again so different circumstances to you but hear me out! My partner wants us to live together. I wasn't averse to the idea but it felt like a huge leap and made me feel quite panicky! For the past 6 months, he's spent more time at mine so I got used to the idea of him being around 🙈 I can also see the huge benefits of it - my garden looks great, my housework is halved and he works fewer hours than me - dinner on the table when i get home is amazing 😁. I'm getting used to the idea of it now. I still have moments of 'argh!!!' but they are fewer and further between now.

If he'd wanted to pin down dates, times and specifics earlier on, I'd have panicked and run. But you have a biological clock to consider too.

Why not make a plan for the next 6 months and review it then?

I think
You're extremely sensible for having these thoughts and conversations before moving in and getting pregnant- I didnt because we were so 'in love' and you can tell by my username where that got me!!!'

It's ok to be different you just need to plan how to compromise and handle those difference.

My friend did a pre marriage course by the Catholic Church that supports couples to talk through all these issues I wonder if you can either do this or something similar. Maybe just counselling first. Could save a lot of heartache

@GreyCarpet thank you for understanding the nuance in my situation - very rarely are these things black and white.

I would hope he isn't kicking the can down the road - I caught sight of a message he sent to a friend a few months ago where he said he sees us settling down together - although when push comes to shove maybe he will change his mind. I don't think he is inherently selfish - he often does things for me - and he is self sufficient. He has no debts, he just isn't as fastidious with saving as I am. I wouldn't have any concerns about his tidiness or cleanliness when we move in together - he enjoys cleaning whereas I hate it. His flat is always spotless.

I think you're right that I should give him 6 months of spending more time together and see what happens then. If it scares him off, then at least I will have my answer. Right now he can't understand why I'm so panicked by it all because he has agreed to my suggestion to spend more time together so perhaps I just need to take a step back, shut up about the future and see how we get on with spending time together in the week.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out as you'd hoped. Counselling or a relationships course sounds like a good idea. I don't think I will suggest it just yet as I think I have already freaked him out enough by going from being happy to being a weekend girlfriend to wanting to plan moving in and having a child but it is certainly something to consider before we move in together properly. Thank you.

Good luck x

As long as he’s keen to settle down with you after your course I wouldn’t worry too much about it until then. Researching places to live etc can be fun.
Whilst it can seem annoying to be the one to decide everything it can also be a bonus as you get your choice and that matters if you’re giving up some of your independence.

I'll give you one bit of advice.
Be with someone who factors in the cost of childcare. You can say all you want that parents will help, but parents get old/illnesses happen as do fall outs. Plus you see on MN free childcare comes at a price regardless.
Yes people get pregnant all the time and cope. But if you want to plan then plan properly.
You sound like 2 very different people. Children turn your world upside down. It's best to be in that whirlpool with someone on the EXACT same page as you

@kweeble thank you. Actually today we were out and walked past an estate agent's and he pointed out a reasonably affordable nice house - not to move into now, but just to allay my fears that we will never be able to afford to buy somewhere together so maybe he is more on board than I thought.

@HowAmYa thank you for your advice. The expense of childcare does worry me - we are both in average earning jobs - think public sector - so he is probably being realistic when he says we'd need our parents to help. I am not so comfortable with this idea as I want my parents' retirement to be their own but his parents seem keen. I do wonder how any low-middle income earners afford it.

When it comes to finding someone on the exact same page as me, i don't know how realistic that is. We agree on morals, family values, politics etc and have shared values and interests. I'm not keen on giving all of that up in the hope of finding someone who is on the EXACT same page as me as I'm not sure that person exists!

Hi everyone, I'm back with an update and looking for some advice again!

So we have been seeing each other during the week as well as at weekends since the beginning of August now and it is going well - there has been no resistance from bf, on the Bank Holiday weekend we spent the extra day off together and still did our evening in the week at his suggestion. So I should be pleased, but I feel even more anxious. All these questions are flooding my mind - when we move in together, where will we live? What if he's still not ready to start a family in a couple of years? What if we don't have enough money to buy somewhere together/have children? What if he is future faking? etc etc. I'm driving myself mad! Is this reasonable or perhaps the effect of the ticking of my biological clock?