Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Emotionally unintelligent / detached

10 replies

OSunt2123 · 27/07/2023 21:22

I've been going through some stuff recently, with feeling self conscious and low, and just been diagnosed with ADHD, which is very bad currently.

My partner is really really bad at communicating, with feelings he can't even string a sentence he's almost dead in the eyes, I can cry and I can express and tell him how low I feel and he says nothing, we get onto the topic of us and he says things he doesn't mean when he means something else because he doesn't use the right words and it snowballs.

My parent is a severe narcissist and my dad left me, we were very close when I was about 9 and I'm used to not feeling listened to or supported emotionally but as I get older I feel I need it more than ever just for reassurance as my feelings can take me so far as im such an over thinker.

Every time I tell him, I come out feeling way worse. He's response to trying is always to quit, he'd rather leave then try and be supportive. I mean, he's friend messaged him last year asking to meet and he felt down and he ignored him, 3 hours later he jumped off a cliff and died and it's taught him nothing. I have two small babies, who I struggle a lot with and cannot cope on my own, it's like I need to go to friends for emotional support but I can't get past the fact that he doesn't seem to care? Do I just tell him to do 1?

OP posts:
Bodybop · 27/07/2023 21:51

Could he be asd?

OSunt2123 · 27/07/2023 21:53

Bodybop · 27/07/2023 21:51

Could he be asd?

Maybe, probably
He has the signs.
I mean even once I was very bad, and to note that this was a particular hard time and for a day I was a wreck I felt suicidal due to how little he cares, I was hysterical and said I wanted to end my life, and he I went to our room and he stayed downstairs and didn't say a word to me.
I will never get over it, it's gut wrenching

OP posts:
Bodybop · 27/07/2023 21:55

If you are high needs emotional and he is detached its not going to be easy.

You could seek support /advice elsewhere but I do not think it will come from him.

Perhaps some counselling to help you with your new diagnosis. Pre period and with lack of sleep adhd can be a proper whirlwind in your head. Do reach out to support networks

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/07/2023 21:55

Do you think you're repeating a pattern you learnt in childhood by picking a partner who isn't capable of emotional support?

I don't think you're compatible. What you want/need him to be is so far removed from who he actually is, I think you might be better off cutting your losses and ending things with him. He's just not capable. Sorry, I suspect that's not what you want to hear.

OSunt2123 · 27/07/2023 21:57

Bodybop · 27/07/2023 21:55

If you are high needs emotional and he is detached its not going to be easy.

You could seek support /advice elsewhere but I do not think it will come from him.

Perhaps some counselling to help you with your new diagnosis. Pre period and with lack of sleep adhd can be a proper whirlwind in your head. Do reach out to support networks

Yea your right, I have bad PMS
Adhd, 2 under the age of 2, work part time
And I have max 4/5 hours a night, due to this my ADHD has been unbearable and I've started to rip my hair out in chunks, im exhausted

OP posts:
Bodybop · 27/07/2023 21:59

Big hug.

Melatonin might help but medication ( not jus the stimulant kind but SSRI’s ) may help with the overwhelming.

Try to get some rest, distract yourself with some podcasts to see if you can fool that buzzy brain of yours to sleep.

A GP/therapist who knows about ADHD is a good step

Bodybop · 27/07/2023 21:59

PS - you can do this

OSunt2123 · 27/07/2023 21:59

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/07/2023 21:55

Do you think you're repeating a pattern you learnt in childhood by picking a partner who isn't capable of emotional support?

I don't think you're compatible. What you want/need him to be is so far removed from who he actually is, I think you might be better off cutting your losses and ending things with him. He's just not capable. Sorry, I suspect that's not what you want to hear.

I said exactly this, we aren't compatible he will clearly never be what I need him to be, he shouldn't be with anyone as he's just completely void of any compassion or empathy or understanding of emotions to anyone in his life including family, he's whole family are the same, I am an idiot for having kids with him I love him, must be those rose glasses

OP posts:
TheYear2000 · 27/07/2023 21:59

When someone shows you who they are, listen/pay heed. It sounds like his emotional language/style is deep rooted, as is yours. I can't imagine it'll be possible for either of you to change and from my own experience I empathise with the hurt of being with an emotionally detached person. Life may be happier, more full of joy and less full of conflict or stress, if you were not with each other. I actually met another person in touch with their emotions and who is good at communicating after breaking up with my detached ex and it is so good to be in a relationship with another person in touch with their feelings.

OSunt2123 · 27/07/2023 22:17

TheYear2000 · 27/07/2023 21:59

When someone shows you who they are, listen/pay heed. It sounds like his emotional language/style is deep rooted, as is yours. I can't imagine it'll be possible for either of you to change and from my own experience I empathise with the hurt of being with an emotionally detached person. Life may be happier, more full of joy and less full of conflict or stress, if you were not with each other. I actually met another person in touch with their emotions and who is good at communicating after breaking up with my detached ex and it is so good to be in a relationship with another person in touch with their feelings.

Your right, he's just so different to who he used to be, he was a massive hippy, peace and love and all and so so deep and he made me think and feel deeper and now he couldn't be more opposite, I'm clutching at the old him, that Dosnt exist anymore clearly

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page