Is this a co-, dependant relationship mother and daughter relationship?

Livelifelaughter · 2023-07-27T12:24:31+00:00

I feel my friendship with my oldest friend whom I have known for 30 plus years is ebbing away. I have honestly mulled away on this. And I think one factor is the relationship with her daughter who is 25, I think a codependency has emerged. They share the same house along with my friend's parents. My friend's husband died 10 years ago. Gradually but steadily my friend is doing many of the things we would do with her daughter or is asking to bring her along. Her daughter is really quietv but easy to be around and is really nice. The daughter has always lived at home, has never had a boyfriend and very few friends. I recently invited my friend to join me and another friend on a weekend break, and her reply was that she thought her daughter would enjoy it too. I have never said anything it's not my place but I do wonder if it's healthy for her daughter?

WandaWomblesaurus · 28/07/2023 21:20

I don't think it's up to you to judge - but if you want some time just with your friend you can ask her. However she will put her daughter first when she makes arrangements.

Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 21:25

I personally don't think it's healthy for her daughter either, but it's not your place to say anything about it unless she mentions she's worried about her DDs lack of social life. And even then I would be very tactful in my remarks.

itsmylife7 · 28/07/2023 21:25

No OP it's not a healthy relationship. She should be encouraging her daughter to be more social with people her own age.

beeswaxinc · 28/07/2023 21:35

I don't think a lot of people understand what a co-dependent relationship actually is.

A co-dependent relationship involves power imbalance and is where one person takes the role of dependent and one of the carer. The reason for the "co" is that both parties rely on this relationship dynamic as they don't know how to function any other way. The carer often ends up in a position where they put their needs after their partners even to their own detriment, and the dependent person may display, intentionally or otherwise, coercive or manipulative behaviour.

It does not simply mean 2 people relying on each other even to what others view as to an unhealthy extent. What exactly is the issue that is making you uncomfortable? Do you believe the mother and daughter are spending excessive time together due to the DD putting undue pressure on the DM or vice versa? Or could it be something else?
My bond with my mum has strengthened over the years especially since we lost dad and we do social things together. We still have our own lives and relationships but I'm at an age and have my own children so we also just relate more as people these days rather than just as mum and daughter.

beeswaxinc · 28/07/2023 21:38

Also sorry I was caught up in the title but rereading your OP, is it possible or she is trying to get her DD out in the world a bit more and give her a bit more social experience and confidence?

Have you actually say down with your friend and asked if she and her DD are alright?

carly2803 · 28/07/2023 22:03

Can you tell her kindly that its a holiday for friends, without any "kids".

I would not like that either, its like a cling on - not healthy but not your problem, but the tagging on and changing the dynamics is

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 29/07/2023 21:55

beeswaxinc · 28/07/2023 21:35

I don't think a lot of people understand what a co-dependent relationship actually is.

A co-dependent relationship involves power imbalance and is where one person takes the role of dependent and one of the carer. The reason for the "co" is that both parties rely on this relationship dynamic as they don't know how to function any other way. The carer often ends up in a position where they put their needs after their partners even to their own detriment, and the dependent person may display, intentionally or otherwise, coercive or manipulative behaviour.

It does not simply mean 2 people relying on each other even to what others view as to an unhealthy extent. What exactly is the issue that is making you uncomfortable? Do you believe the mother and daughter are spending excessive time together due to the DD putting undue pressure on the DM or vice versa? Or could it be something else?
My bond with my mum has strengthened over the years especially since we lost dad and we do social things together. We still have our own lives and relationships but I'm at an age and have my own children so we also just relate more as people these days rather than just as mum and daughter.

This is very helpful thank you. I think I see her daughter as not doing things that a young person should be doing such as going on holidays with her own friends, having romantic relationships, living on her own - she's done none of these things at all, even for study. It's not my business though.

OP posts:

WandaWomblesaurus · 30/07/2023 14:27

beeswaxinc · 28/07/2023 21:35

I don't think a lot of people understand what a co-dependent relationship actually is.

A co-dependent relationship involves power imbalance and is where one person takes the role of dependent and one of the carer. The reason for the "co" is that both parties rely on this relationship dynamic as they don't know how to function any other way. The carer often ends up in a position where they put their needs after their partners even to their own detriment, and the dependent person may display, intentionally or otherwise, coercive or manipulative behaviour.

It does not simply mean 2 people relying on each other even to what others view as to an unhealthy extent. What exactly is the issue that is making you uncomfortable? Do you believe the mother and daughter are spending excessive time together due to the DD putting undue pressure on the DM or vice versa? Or could it be something else?
My bond with my mum has strengthened over the years especially since we lost dad and we do social things together. We still have our own lives and relationships but I'm at an age and have my own children so we also just relate more as people these days rather than just as mum and daughter.

Exactly this.

A lot of people also don't understand how important it is for isolated younger people to have family support for longer than some prescribed time that friends without the same family situation think is appropriate.