Hi,
I feel a bit silly writing this, but I have cried so much to the people around me and I just feel like a broken record on it and feel like putting it somewhere that people may have had similar experiences or advice... bare with me I am fragile; I don't actually know what self healing looks like or how I am ever going to get over this pain it just feels never ending
(as i'm crying into my keyboard) - I am so scared of posting and someone I know seeing this or even it not being the right place, because I have literally over time become a shell of who I use to be. If you can stick with me.....
Okay, Ill start where I feel a bit broken in myself as a person and take some ownership I guess; when I am in a relationship where I give my all if I feel happy and content I feel trusted to love and give love back the best way I can, as soon as I feel any movement in that I go inward and petrified, all of me wants affection, but its like I go into shut down and almost prepare for the worse... That being the heartbreak that follows because I know it is the worse pain for me - maybe it is an attachment issue? My mum got sectioned when I was younger under the mental health act and my dad was never around, probably worse dipping in and out when he wanted to play the role.
I am currently under the doctor, counselling and just started therapy for CBT because I honestly don't know where this will end if I can't get myself in a good place because of what I am going through and I just know I have to ride this and get myself in a really good place, because the cycle will continue.
Okay, so I met my husband 8 years ago and we were so happy (I know things change, I get that and I am going to try and give as much as a transparent spin to this as I can without it being on my own narrative) we met on a friend basis and a few weeks after we met my husband told my friends that he would marry me, he brought me gifts and never left my home, he took my child on as his own and I'd never felt as important and secure, I felt safe - I did tell him that I close down when I don't feel safe and that its something I don't know why I do and that I over think everything, if something cut me deep two years ago it would live rent free in my head (I'd never told anyone before, but he promised me that he would always make me feel safe) but I needed him to understand and me be vulnerable about it.
We always played about and our relationship was about being fun together; we always had banter, play fighting and videoing each other being idiots. I think for me having that relationship helped me to feel more connected to him, as it made it easier to be open and loving - I struggle once that goes.
He started making jokes about my cooking ( I am the worse cook ever, so he does have a valid point!) but I tried to cook him chicken wings for work and he said that they were that raw they nearly flew out and his mates were laughing - at the time I just laughed and he took the role on of cooking. He wasn't a chef, but he could ensure that we didn't get food poisoning I guess; nothing worse than cooking for someone and you having to watch them cut it open to see if its cooked, because they don't trust it.
Soon after he proposed I got pregnant, I think I didn't enjoy most of the pregnancy because I went into petrified mode that he was going to leave me, like my other child's dad had, again I made sure he knew where my head was at, but also reassured him I was happy... just scared. I had the baby and had a really bad labour losing a lot of blood. We were good parents and worked well together, although I started seeing subtle remarks about the things he was doing, like if he had done a night shift with baby and in front and then it became about my cooking, the one day he said
Just before we married I started seeing red flags; he dragged his feet and had lack of involvement in most of our plans, but people said this was a 'man' thing. I remember saying to him a day before that this wasn't how I saw us being before we married. A close friend helped me with most of the stuff and I just assumed this was normal, maybe it was? His brother was best man and niece was flower girl, I felt sorry that his elderly dad didn't have a suit and wanted him to feel involved, so I suggested that to my Husband; I invited his mum to come to the suit fittings, so she felt involved also.
A few days later I found out that his mum had taken photos of all the boys in the suits and sent them around all his family, I was upset as we were spending £1000+ on all the suits and it was for the our day - I explained to my hubby who said I was over reacting.
The day came and went and we had an amazing day! For some reason his mum was really grumpy when signing the books, which we asked our mums to do so they had involvement - My husband picked up on it too and said just leave her too it, it obviously annoyed me because just be happy for us. We flew out on our holiday and I would say we again had an amazing time.
On arriving back in the October we went to a halloween party and I had been asking my husband to do some wardrobes with me for a couple of weeks, he said he would and do them the weekend and promised. I asked him not to get to drunk and he did, resulting in doing the wardrobes with a hangover but it became this on going story of how bad I was, when I kept saying please don't get to drunk before hand - afterwards his eye became infected because he had cake smashed into it and ended up in A&E.
After we got back we were fast forwarded into covid - during this time we had a few tension rows - we had a 2 year old, 10 year old and both working full time, I lost my nan and grandad. We did loads of fun stuff and went on small holidays when we could. The one time after a disagreement my husband shouted me and my mum think you're a narcissist and left and wouldn't pick up the phone and his mum rung me saying he was breaking his heart, but I didn't know why as we had only a bicker, but he would flare up really fast and leave - I rung the police as he went AWOL (which stopped the behaviour thankfully too) but the MIL rung me saying if you don't want him I will pay for him to leave, I will get him out, I ended up just putting the phone down (no shouting or fighting) I was more concerned my husband was okay and my family.
After this although we still visited because I knew they were both older and his dad was really poorly, so I made every effort at a weekend to get up there as a family, send photos of important milestones, invite them down for Christmas because MIL always complained that her other DIL stopped her seeing the kids growing up and cuts her out the life (Later went on to divorce the son) - All I asked was that he didn't discuss us to his mum, he discussed things with me; Things seemed to project badly for me and my husband going forward.
During covid we were play fighting in the back garden and he was wiping me with a towel in self defence I flicked my leg up and jarred his finger, it bent back. He wouldn't go to A&E. After emailing several clinics I got him seen at one and he had a brace, but afterwards he said I was a sadist in a argument.
The words I had never heard of kept spinning in my head and the amount of googling thinking I could be this person was horrendous.
I would continue to book things as a family to do together and he became less bothered about wanting too, saying I just want a easy life. Christmas and birthdays for the kids he had no involvement in any of it and would just come in and stare through the window. If we tried to have a laugh like a balloon fight or singing Christmas carols he wouldn't get involved bringing everyone down to his level.
He started checking in with his mum more and when I arrived home would say I was back; almost like to stop the conversation.
I continued to do almost everything I could for the family, his mum got upset that she couldn't see the seaside again as she was scared of driving and the next weekend I suggested we take her.
We went to purchase a new car and I suggested maybe he had this on his name, as everything else was in my name and it would be good for his credit rating; not like we couldn't afford it and came out the joint bank account. He agreed and then started acting really shady and off with me, I kept asking if he was okay and he said yes; eventually he broke down in tears saying that he had been being sick in work after over indulging on Greggs etc and had a bad credit score at this point because of it and was worried to tell me - I probably could have reacted better, but I was so annoyed that we were about to secure this car, he had been off with me for weeks and I had been asking if he was okay and only when the horse was about to bolt he decided to tell me. I said that he needed to go to the doctors (as he use to do this when he was 21, to stop himself from being over weight). He had done this before with warnings at work etc.
I did all the chores, bills, laundry got the kids to school, put them to bed sorted there appts etc and worked full time. His role was to cook, mainly because I couldn't and he was a fussy eater - I started struggling and with our relationship to started feeling like a caged animal, I felt like every time I did something for me it was brought up and I stopped - I felt agitated and snapped all the while. I told my husband it was because I was struggling with the work load and he said 'your a mum what do you expect'.
We agreed routines with the kids and bedtimes and no sooner had we agreed he wouldn't stick to their boundaries and not care. He would get into bed and say my eldest hadn't emptied the dish washer for example, I would say have you asked? and he would be like no... or say he is still on games or dress the youngest when I had asked him not to because when he picked and choose when he did it, I then wouldn't have time to complete it.
He started having sickness from work and would say don't tell my mum, sometimes it was so he could paint a wall or do house improvements but most the time because of ill health; his back and gout in his toe mainly. He would brief me what not to tell his mum about him being off work.
He started doing little things like eye roll, ignore me and call me a 'fucking bitch' under his breath... He really started resenting me and that caused me to shut down, he stopped going to the gym and became worse.
He got drunk on the first day of our holiday when we had two children and it was midday and started screaming at me when I told him that he shouldn't have that now I have a well paid job I can f* and leave him.
Secretly drinking and hiding the cans around the house; id be cleaning and find one under the sink, drinking my gin or wine and then make me think I was mad when a few weeks later I would ask where it had gone and he said I never had any wine in the fridge.
He cried when he came in from work because of all the stress he was getting and getting bullied, but then when I said get a new job he would apply and then not get one and make out as though it was me pushing him to get one?!
I was so confused by it all... Tbh I felt like I was trying to be supportive but anything I did was turned into something else, I had completely shut down and was over worked. No job was his responsibility, he just did what he felt fit (so id still have to check if the lunches were made, sometimes they were and sometimes they weren't). He would call me lazy to my friends, when I didn't know what I was doing that he felt made me lazy.
We took a break to go on holiday and his mum would always guilt me to drop in on plans, or steal birthday ideas because she struggled with getting him things; leaving my present to him not very good. I felt bad for her, wanting to buy her son something nice, so allowed it. Booked birthday meals and extended them MIL to attend, so MIL didnt feel left out.
We were going on a driving holiday around wales and it was his birthday weekend, his brother had arranged a party and so had MIL for some reason. They lived an hour away and we were going midweek away, so when everyone got covid I said shall we just have one, Husband agreed. I text his mum and she was fine, days later husband was being really off again kept asking are you okay and he said fine; until he dropped a bomb that his mother had told me about all the food that she would have to chuck away if we didnt go. I lucky had the texts and showed him that convo didnt happen, he didn't believe it and wouldnt look. I asked him to have a word with his mum for causing a nearly cancelled holiday and days of upset and he wouldnt.
Horribly all I wanted to do was be close to him, but I started to pull away to protect myself after I saw some GIFs on his phone saying how shit women are (the typically group chat ones) and messaging my brother and his saying he wants a divorce.
After that he said that more, sat in the window more and started to disappear on bike rides, take a hour every other night to get a take away and go to golf (strangely putting this on our joint, as if to prove he was there), coming in late from work.
I would take reasoning why I felt upset to him and he would scream in my face that I was mental like my mum and a C* like my dad and I will die alone, because I am a horrible bitch, that I stopped my son seeing his dad and he would leave but I would do it to him - I'd just sit on the bed and cry and he would go and sleep on the sofa and say sorry.
He removed photos of us as a family from his van, the things he use to be so proud of.
I started losing who I was a person, he said I emotionally rejected him.. which is a Narcissist trait. All I wanted was the person I had been with in the first four years, because he was my best friend and I didn't know how to get there. I became horrible; not me, I felt I couldn't have fun, couldn't address any problems, didn't have a release. I asked him to realise I was so stressed and he said why should everyone adhere to your problems.
He started to tell me that wives from his work mates would make them their sandwiches, I was so burnt out with life and I kept saying .... yes, they work part time and have one kid and help from their parents (this women was later found out to be cheating on her husband with his best mate). I met them all by bumping into them at a fair, they were all so horrible and I asked if he had been talking about me at work - just so off with me.
My husband took our little one to a kids party because I had a ton of work to get done and he told a mum there that I was probably just at home gaming online or something? The mum told me as I popped in towards the end of the party and said surprised you could make it because you were gaming ( I felt so embarrassed and only took it up to be able to get down on my oldest sons level and he use to come on too).
His dad became really poorly (blue light to hospital poorly) whilst we were at another family party and they were all drinking together and his mum 80+ and dad who is very poorly were alone sorting it. I suggested going up and the niece went up and cut me out as though I wasn't family and returned when his dad was blue lighted. I sat there thinking that I am the only non drunk person in this room and we have kids, if anything happens and they get a call they wouldn't be able to go and support his mum. Our son had a poorly belly anyway and my husband left me to talk about booking football games with his brother and his GF. In the end I said listen I am going, stay here if you want but I cant sit and watch knowing your dad cant be let into A&E because it is packed and he is in the back of a ambulance very very poorly and your mum sat in the car on her own and you lot drunk, its not right.
The next day he went to his hospital and thankfully although his dad was still not responsive he survived; he screamed in my face that I would never be before his family, so don't even try it! The thing was I'd never tried to be above his family? or put him in that position, so I had no clue who was making him feel like that.
Now by this point, even I'm thinking why was I with him... as I am trying to hold back tears, but I loved him and knew something had changed but didn't know what and I would have done anything to find out what that was. I begged to go counselling and he said he would book it. My best friend was somewhere inside that person and I so desperately wanted to find him and bring him back out!
THEN ... He put himself on the sofa for a week after I had a moan about the fact he had been offered a job but wouldn't ask for the salary because his mom didn't want him to take it; he spoke to them several times and didn't ask and kept saying he would. I was like for god sake this is the tenth time you've spoken with them! This was a typical thing of dragging feet, I said just ask or stop messing them around - I just wanted some honesty about it.
My youngest made a comment about not wanting to live here anymore and he said my friend Alan has a spare room. I picked up on this, I don't know whether it is a women sense, but I knew they was subconsciously what he knew.
He put himself on the sofa after calling me a barrel full of horrible names and then sent a text saying I wish I could let him in emotionally again (I'd had told him before that wouldn't happen until I felt safe and secure again and I wanted to get there). The way of communicating had become that if I brought anything to the table and I don't shout and say nasty stuff I just express, it would be me causing a argument he would shout horrible stuff then stone wall me - I felt so alone!
I think this is why I became so irritable about life, snappy and depressed.
He spent a week on the sofa and I went away on a business trip down south, I arrived back and took the dog to the groomers which hubby booked midday and just expected me to take, obviously I did but I was very tired from driving though and no communication around it.
I got home and its like he had arranged everything; he said it was Toxic and he was going, that he wanted half the savings, I could keep the house - I sent it because he told me I was controlling him with finances, which wasn't the case we had a joint bank and spent what we wanted, In fact I would always push him to buy nice things for himself and when he said no I would say use the joint A/C
He left and went to Alans, he told me he was going to stay in a hotel but I knew he was going to Alans. He didn't speak to me for two days, he ignored every text I sent asking him to come back, telling him I was heart broken that I loved him. He shouted at me for not checking in on the kids whilst down south for a day and half when he had been missing completely off the radar for 2 days (again I didnt say that as didnt want to fight).
He made it all about the youngest son, didn't mention the oldest (isn't his) even though he had known him from 4 and he is now 12! I said I didn't know how I was going to go on and he said well if you can't I'll come and get the youngest.
I remained gracious after this, but then every time i'd try and heal not text unless it was about our son and he text first, the games come;
He would make it all about his son and after ignoring my texts several times, I went to see his sister she wasn't in. I rung him throwing up on the phone, I hadn't slept I was hardly functioning for myself let alone the kids and he was horrible; telling me not to contact his sister or his family or id be a f Phsyco. Telling me he was moving out, I shouldn't have sent the money if I loved him (i told him why I did) and he was like I'm not bothered - it was half our life savings together. He promised there wasn't another women and this made him feel sick when I asked (I just wanted answers)
I held hope because school told me dad had said to our son that he is only doing this because he angry - hope he would come home.
He had the money in his personal account but put going out to pubs on our joint account.
He removed a Whatsapp photo of us off his work phone and changed his status, so I couldn't see his last seen when I said listen I can see you're up late and if you ever want to talk I am here for you. I said our photo gave me some sort of hope that maybe this is just some space we needed?! I shouldn't have but in disappear rung him and he cried saying he had done it by accident.
We both cried at the door and talked and I said I knew I need help to be vulnerable and if he needed to move out and its what he really wanted I wouldn't stop him. I asked what it meant for us and our future and he said he didn't know we could go for a drink when he had moved out.
He purchased sweets for my youngest and toys and brought my eldest a pack of sweets and a prime drink which was nice. The problem we use to have together is the youngest can ask for anything and he will get it, its unhealthy but now its doubled since being split to the point where he goes out the door to him and my youngest will say have you got me something in the car.
He cried at a school event repeating that this could make us stronger and he felt like taking his own life and then he got his house and car and denied saying that we could go for a drink. He told me he hated the fact I was so competitive and driven (something he loved when we met).
His mum removed my eldest son as a contact on whatsapp on week 4 and then on week 7 writes him a really sad card with £10 in about how she doesnt get out anymore and Grandad is really poorly, but we miss you! I obviously told my eldest to do the right thing and reply saying thank you for the card and money and he told them he misses them too! which was replied back 'LV U'
He has regular contact with our son and have a routine; this has been going on for 7 weeks now my son will say he was late to collect him from school club or he didn't have breakfast at dads today, that he slept in his spikey hair band, so his hair was knotted and a mess - I haven't said anything because I just want to keep the peace whilst he is finding his feet.
My eldest son is in pieces because although he has offered him to go there and brought bunk beds its just a flat offer. He has never said are you coming then, even sent him a text since he has left here.
He has taken his stuff now, but wont take everything; his bike and golf clubs are still here.
I was happy we would have limited contact through the school holidays as I would take him to clubs and dad pick him up meaning I would see him only every other weekend and could start to heal, he changed it all the day before that his boss had given the time off, meaning some weeks I am seeing him six days and everyday after he goes I cry! The first day he come all dressed up in a new shirt (unlike him) and the watch I gifted to him with a poem of how time will forever be countless together. I couldn't even look at him as soon as I saw the watch I went in to a shell.
My youngest is telling me dad is telling him they are getting a dog etc.
I just don't know if its midlife crisis because he has just turned 40 and hated the fact he was. He is spending money stupidly now (when we met he was in debt and living pay check to pay check).
Every time I see him I feel like I am in shock, like PTSD and I don't know what is going on. I am just so heart broken!! I don't know how it got so bad, I feel like maybe he was checking in with his mum who could only advise him from his own narrative? ... because I know he said his mum would tell him to leave his ex and then she would write her letters to get back with him and she would tell my husband to give her another chance.
I will never know what I did, how things could change so badly.