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Original poster

Am I too close to my ex husband?

19 replies

Potoft · 27/07/2023 09:44

I divorced my ex husband 18 months ago and we have two young children together (5 and 6).

We were a good parenting team (practically) when we were together. And the practical team work has pretty much continued. We spend family holidays and days out together and a few weeks ago, we spent the afternoon baking DCs birthday cake together and preparing food for his birthday. It's usually quite pleasant.

I have no family support whatsoever around me so his support is very helpful.

He sometimes eats dinner with us at my house now and then, although I never go to his as the children are with me most of the time (something we have agreed on). He has them for 2 overnights a week.

I feel stuck between two worlds, never quite belonging to either. I don't feel quite single as I see a lot of my ex although nothing happens between us romantically. But also, not quite a family unit either. I don't feel I have much time and space to meet someone new. When I am without the children I tend to just go out with my girl friends or head to the gym anyway, so I probably don't leave much room for a potential new relationship either. I feel like I'm just chugging along and tbh, the set up makes things tolerable but it isn't making me happy.

I'm still in my thirties and would like to eventually marry again and find my forever person. I wasn't married to ex H that long- 7 years, together for 10.

The ideal solution would be that exH and I worked through our issues and got back together, but this I think is impossible. We tried relationship counselling 3 times and the last one said that exH was "closed off to any emotional intervention." This I agree with. He was emotionally closed full stop and in the end we had no intimate relationship whatsoever. There is clearly unresolved trauma from his childhood but he would get angry whenever this was brought up. It devastated me that he chose to leave our family unit over sorting out his own issues. He is, in many ways, very selfish too. His hobbies and interests always trumped family and our relationship and this way, living separately, he can do what he likes a lot of the time. I think he's probably asexual, looking back. He wasn't interested in sex or affection after we married. I also discovered that he'd been a virgin before he met me, we met when he was 32! So, intimate relationships don't come easy to him and I don't think there is a way forward for us romantically. I wish there was.

Parenting is so much easier like this though. Us supporting each other with the day to day stuff. Sometimes he'll come over and walk my dog if he knows I'm tired after a rough day (I have an autoimmune condition) which is super helpful. But I also know that I can't ever really move on with the set up how it is currently. I can't imagine that a new partner would accept my situation with my ex! Also, if he met someone else whilst I've been living like this, with him, but not really "with" him, I'd be devastated.

Do we carry on as we are for the time being, whilst the children are young?
Or is it time for me to ditch the help and support from him and move on?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2023 09:53

I think a good course of action would be to start pulling away, bit by bit. Don't spend as much free time with him, instead of all of you going out for the afternoon, just have him take the kids. You say he came over to walk the dog because you had a rough day. I assume you told him that, so from now on, stop sharing so much. I think a gradual weaning would be best for you and your kids.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 09:53

I feel stuck between two worlds, never quite belonging to either.

I think you face a genuine risk to your future having and moving on in this situation.

He suits him. He has the benefits of a wife and family with zero responsibility! He has the children two nights a week, still gets to ay family, has meals cooked for him etc and yet he has 5 nights a week to build a new life for himself away from you and the children.

He's taking advantage of you and the situation.

He will move on and, when he meets someone, you will be dropped because he'll no longer need that element of your co-parenting relationship. Or, he won't move on in a new relationship because he's not emotionally capable of it but he will also prevent you from doing so.

Cutting it off feels scary to you because there's a degree of comfortable familiarity in what you have now but it's a half life and one that is not benefitting you.

Or is it time for me to ditch the help and support from him and move on?

I'd be advocating for this.

Yankeescot · 27/07/2023 09:58

Time to ditch and move on. Neither one of you will ever move on or forward with your lives until you actually separate. You both sound far too enmeshed in each others lives to leave space to move on.

If you're spending this much time together, what was the point of the divorce? By your description, It sounds as if you spend about the same amount of time together now that you did when you were married. And you're right, you'll not find a new partner that would accept the current set up.

It's great that you co-parent well, but holidays together playing happy families, him coming to dog walk after you've had a rough day etc? If you're divorced, why would he know that you've had a rough day. Not to mention how confusing it all must be to your kids. Best of luck

pimplebum · 27/07/2023 10:13

If I were your new potential partner and you explained what you have explained here I'd think you had a very healthy, kind respectful relationship with your ex and see it as a big positive . I'd rather deal with an ex who comes round to bake his child's cake and walk the dog than some immature wanker who wants to cause trouble/ score points out of spite.

If you were to start any sort of relationship, be it casual , or a new marriage that person would have to accept the package deal which includes an involved dad. The holidays and days out would be less if your new partner wanted to play more of a dad role

My best friend has spent every Christmas for past few years cooking for her husband , his kids and his ex wife ( ex wife sleeps over ) this is mainly because my best mate is a super nice person who wants what is best for the small kids involved but it only works because of the dynamics of all the personality's involved makes it work

You sound a bit sad about your ex and his unresolved childhood trauma , sadly this wasn't fixable in your marriage and maybe in time he will get it resolved but it's not your problem anymore, some people never do sort themselves out in a way that lasts and works and improves their lives , but well done for leaving him and seeking your own happiness in life you don't owe him anything other than what you are currently doing which is being a good Co parent
in time both of you will either move on or reconcile if that's what you want but don't go back to him unless he does the work to change
X

GingerIsBest · 27/07/2023 10:22

I think the bigger issue is that you haven't actually moved on. You talk about wishing you could still be together but that ultimately, he doesn't want that. The actual relationship you have with him is fine - I agree with a PP that it's good to see a kind and respectful relationship. But you're stuck because you are still investing all your emotional energy in this man.

So I'd suggest that you try to pull away from that a bit. For example, days out are all very well and good but why isn't he having the DC more? Perhaps instead of days out as a foursome, encourage him to spend more time with the DC.

And then, with the time you DO have when he takes the DC, work on really establishing this as your time to build your own life. Going to the gym and spending time with your girlfriends is fine, but perhaps think about other interests you might want to explore or even OLD?

SuperSange · 27/07/2023 10:36

He's having his cake and eating it, that's what he's doing. You need to step back, scale down the dinners, days out etc. He's seeing the kids, but you're still there doing the wifework. He needs to step up and have the kids on his own.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2023 10:44

If I were your new potential partner and you explained what you have explained here I'd think you had a very healthy, kind respectful relationship with your ex and see it as a big positive . I'd rather deal with an ex who comes round to bake his child's cake and walk the dog than some immature wanker who wants to cause trouble/ score points out of spite.

If you were to start any sort of relationship, be it casual , or a new marriage that person would have to accept the package deal which includes an involved dad. The holidays and days out would be less if your new partner wanted to play more of a dad role

I might agree if the OP were happy with this and there were no residual feelings. But she says herself that she feels trapped between two worlds and would ideally like them to reconcile.

At the moment, she's at risk of kicking the can down the road in terms of ending the relationship properly and finding herself high and dry when he meets someone else.

This wasn't a healthy relationship that grew apart. This was a relationship underpinned by childhood trauma, anger and emotional unavailability on his part. He's doing this because it suits him and not because they have a positive ongoing, amicable relationship between them.

caringcarer · 27/07/2023 11:47

you explained what you have explained here I'd think you had a very healthy, kind respectful relationship with your ex and see it as a big positive . I'd rather deal with an ex who comes round to bake his child's cake and walk the dog than some immature wanker who wants to cause trouble/ score points out of spite.

If you were to start any sort of relationship, be it casual , or a new marriage that person would have to accept the package deal which includes an involved dad. The holidays and days out would be less if your new partner wanted to play more of a dad role.

I agree with the above. It's actually nice to hear about a Dad who puts his kids first and will help out his ex by walking the dog etc. No reason at all why you can't look for a new relationship. You never know your ex might even babysit the kids while you went on a date. I'd bin off any thoughts of getting back together if you think he is asexual and has a lot of childhood trauma he refuses to address.

caringcarer · 27/07/2023 11:48

First part was quoted from previous post.

Despair1 · 15/04/2024 20:16

Sounds like this set up suits all, especially the children. I would accept the status quo right now. You seem more 'together' than lots of couples who have not separated. Savour the moment and enjoy the benefits for all

category12 · 15/04/2024 20:29

I think you need to make a bit more room for dating and stop doing the family holidays and days out together. Stay amicable, but a bit more distance so you can move on.

Illpickthatup · 15/04/2024 20:47

I think you need to increase the time he spends with the kids and give yourself more free time. If he has free time to spend with you then he could take the kids on his own and allow you to do more things for yourself.

While it might be nice for the kids to see you getting on it can also be confusing for them. They'll see their parents getting on but obviously won't understand the reason you aren't actually together. I think you need to slowly start to break away from the current family unit. You're right in that potential partners will likely feel a bit uneasy with your current arrangement and it will be hard for your kids to accept a new partner when they see their parents getting on so well.

People will tell you none of the above matters because the kids should always come first but you deserve some happiness and a happy mum is a better parent.

Whitewatergrafting · 15/04/2024 20:58

Funny I could have written your post exactly OP.

I separated two years in very similar circumstances. Our marriage was rocky like all marriages at times then broke down completely. I stopped begging for communication in the end when the last attempt at counselling failed.

DC are with me most of the week and we are amicable. We are spending some major dates together like holidays and birthdays, celebrated Easter together. We never discuss the marriage breakdown or what happens next.

It's not ideal and like you I also feel stuck between two worlds and it makes me incredibly sad at times that we don't have the family unit. Also like you my ex enjoys his hobbies and his own space. Meanwhile I do 99% of all the life admin, planning and childcare in the broadest sense whilst working full time.

I don't have any advice really but you're not alone and our situations sound very similar.

Whitewatergrafting · 15/04/2024 21:00

To add, I really don't want any new partner in the near (or distant) future but think you are right that your arrangement right now is not conducive to meeting someone new.

Drapion · 15/04/2024 21:09

My husband had a similar relationship with his ex like this and ultimately it was so confusing for the children as they thought mummy and dads were going to get back together. They found it incredibly difficult when the realisation hit that they weren't. She too, though she didn't want him back she wanted all the practical help, his money, and his company. Fior 6 years he didn't date, and when she did he made things very difficult. It was a toxic situation all round. As well because he had no boundaries when it came to her, the same played out in his 'friendships' with other women who gave him the emotional connection he wanted but they were always friends. The first two years of our relationship was hell in this regard. Establishing boundaries, working out what is a friend and what friendships had over stepped boundaries. And with the kids too realising that their parents were not together hurt all over again.

There was a lot of other issues at play here too and sadly communication is conflict free but difficult. It's a shame because we could have all got on, but it wasn't meant to be.

I think you are in a crucial time now to establish boundaries for the benefit of you all. It doesn't mean backing away fully, it sounds like you have great communication and support for each other. But don't make it the centre of everything your future self won't thank you for it! I think too you sound still quite raw about the break up which is completely understandable, but is seeing him everyday helping you move on with your life?

Drapion · 15/04/2024 21:09

Whoops sorry just realised this is a ghost thread

Whitewatergrafting · 15/04/2024 21:12

Drapion · 15/04/2024 21:09

Whoops sorry just realised this is a ghost thread

Ah zombie thread! I wonder what the OP has done since. I'm in a similar situation. I'd love some advice🙁

Illpickthatup · 16/04/2024 06:38

Whitewatergrafting · 15/04/2024 20:58

Funny I could have written your post exactly OP.

I separated two years in very similar circumstances. Our marriage was rocky like all marriages at times then broke down completely. I stopped begging for communication in the end when the last attempt at counselling failed.

DC are with me most of the week and we are amicable. We are spending some major dates together like holidays and birthdays, celebrated Easter together. We never discuss the marriage breakdown or what happens next.

It's not ideal and like you I also feel stuck between two worlds and it makes me incredibly sad at times that we don't have the family unit. Also like you my ex enjoys his hobbies and his own space. Meanwhile I do 99% of all the life admin, planning and childcare in the broadest sense whilst working full time.

I don't have any advice really but you're not alone and our situations sound very similar.

If your ex has time for hobbies then he has time to look after his kids more. You should both have a similar amount of time for hobbies and leisure.

Illpickthatup · 16/04/2024 07:07

Drapion · 15/04/2024 21:09

My husband had a similar relationship with his ex like this and ultimately it was so confusing for the children as they thought mummy and dads were going to get back together. They found it incredibly difficult when the realisation hit that they weren't. She too, though she didn't want him back she wanted all the practical help, his money, and his company. Fior 6 years he didn't date, and when she did he made things very difficult. It was a toxic situation all round. As well because he had no boundaries when it came to her, the same played out in his 'friendships' with other women who gave him the emotional connection he wanted but they were always friends. The first two years of our relationship was hell in this regard. Establishing boundaries, working out what is a friend and what friendships had over stepped boundaries. And with the kids too realising that their parents were not together hurt all over again.

There was a lot of other issues at play here too and sadly communication is conflict free but difficult. It's a shame because we could have all got on, but it wasn't meant to be.

I think you are in a crucial time now to establish boundaries for the benefit of you all. It doesn't mean backing away fully, it sounds like you have great communication and support for each other. But don't make it the centre of everything your future self won't thank you for it! I think too you sound still quite raw about the break up which is completely understandable, but is seeing him everyday helping you move on with your life?

I agree. I think now is the time to start backing away and establishing appropriate boundaries. I think if you wait until one of you has a new partner to establish boundaries the new partner will be blamed for changing things, for getting in the way etc. "we had a good thing going until he/she came along" Which will make relationships between you all very difficult.

Regardless of whether you plan to meet anyone new, the current situation isn't making you happy so it sounds like you need to establish some boundaries anyway.

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