Need help fixing

[Niamah]

New here but need help

I know I shouldn’t of done and it is a no no (I was embarrassed) but I lied to my partner a few months ago, It doesn’t matter what about he has said so himself it’s the fact I lied.

He is willing to sort things out to get back on track but I need to fix it and it isn’t up to him, which I do agree with. We have been on and off arguing since but mainly because I haven’t given any suggestions on what I am going to do to fix our relationship.

My problem is I don’t know how to, I don’t know what to say to him or what to do.

can anybody help?

If the lie is a big/significant one then I could see his point.

If the lie is something small/insignificant it sounds more like he’s found great pleasure in discovering this lie and using it as a weapon against you and to keep you constantly on the back foot and in a state of apology and trying to make it up to him.

It’s honestly difficult to properly assess the situation without knowing the scale of the lie or the reason behind it. Your lie could have been perfectly plausible/reasonable as was a part of yourself you were wanting to protect until such time as you felt you had built up enough trust to be able to share fully or it could be some vital information that was important to be honest upfront about from the start and you were deceptive. So as I say, it’s difficult….

He isn’t bothered about the thing I lied about it’s the fact I lied, he doesn’t like lying no matter how big or small (which I understand).
We are talking fine, sleeping in the same bed, cuddling in bed, having sex etc but it’s like a black cloud hanging over us until I think of some ideas/solutions of what I can do to get us back on track

Anybody?

Tell us what it is, so we can make suggestions?

Why did you lie? I think the reason behind it is important as it the lie.

I was embarrassed but my partner really wasn’t bothered about that just the fact I denied it

Can anyone help

It's really hard to give specific advice without knowing what you lied about. How you will make it right or show that you can be trusted (can you?) will depend in part on what you lied about.
For more general advice you could look at the 5 languages of apology as a starting point.

So he’s holding to just the fact that you lied about something you were embarrassed about. He’s not bothered about the embarrassing thing itself (but the embarrassment does explain the reason for the lie) he’s simply holding on to the face that you lied.

Well in your shoes I would say, this is in the past, I cannot change the fact that I lied, it wasn’t a lie to harm or deceive but simply to protect something I was embarrassed about. I have apologised because I am genuinely sorry. You are entitled to either forgive, or not forgive but if you are choosing to forgive then this is to be the very last time I will be discussing it. I am not going to continue living a life and sleeping with someone who is going to continue to hold this against me, so if you can’t forgive me that is fine and I completely respect your decision but this will be the end of the relationship for me.

No way would I be looking for ways to continuously make this up to him, so the he can be fine and sleeping with you when it suits him, but punishing you and holding it over you head when that suits him too. He can either get over it or he can piss off, those are his 2 options, make him pick one!

I have apologised and just wish I could take the lie back but can’t.
He has said I need to come up with some solutions/ideas on how I can get us back on track, he says he has lots of ideas but he said it’s not his place to fix it it’s mine which I do agree with because I messed not him

This doesn’t sound good, to be honest if just sounds like he is using this as a bargaining chip to use against you to get you to do things in the name of making it up to him.

You have said sorry, that should be enough! If it’s not enough dump him and move on, because from what you’ve explained he seems like one giant waving red flag to me!

PS: I would bet good money on whatever solutions or ideas you come up with, they will never be enough. Wouldn’t surprise me either if down the line he comes out with ‘well if you really wanted to make it up to me you could do (inset whatever probably unreasonable request here)’

He sounds like a manipulative shit bag to be honest.

In the absence of more information though, all we have to go on is the v vague information you've provided.
We have to guess or look at what information we DO have.

And on that alone, he sounds controlling

Op, no one can help you with this unless you give us an idea of what the lie was, and why you felt it necessary.

His reaction to this seems rather bizarre. He’s got lots of ideas how you can mend this issue, but it’s not his place to fix it, what does that even mean? If he’s keen to mend the damage, why wouldn’t he talk about what you can do to help him trust you? I don’t think he wants you to fix it op, I think he’s enjoying messing with you over this. He’s holding it over you, trying to get you to do all sorts of jumping through hoops, demanding you “fix” the relationship, but at the same time it’s a good enough relationship for him to be happy to have sex with you, eat any meals you make I’m sure. Do you want this to be how it is always op, any time you mess up in any way?

You seem to be willingly accepting that this is up to you to fix, but he's the one with the problem.

You were wrong to lie, you've accepted that, and you've apologised. Presumably you've told him you won't do it again. There's nothing more you can do. If he wants to drop it, he can, but that's in his hands, not yours.

he says he has lots of ideas but he said it’s not his place to fix it it’s mine which I do agree with because I messed not him

If he has ideas, what reason could he possibly have for not discussing them with you? I agree with what others have said; he's using this as a tool to get what he wants. And you're letting him.

He’s not controlling or manipulating, he is just upset and hurt I lied.
I just would like some suggestions of things I can say to him and do

You're an adult. So is he. You've admitted fault and apologised. It's his turn to take responsibility for his own feelings, now. You can't change them for him. If he knows a solution, he needs to tell you.

Can anybody please just give me some suggestions?

Not without understanding why you lied or what you lied about. Unless your willing to give me more info it will be very difficult for us to help you.

Your DP us coming across as a bit of dick in your description.

In short, no. You lied, and you've apologised. It doesn't make it right bit wither he needs to accept your apology and start to move on or not. You can't have this halfway house of living normally but him holding it over you. He's not passed off at you enough to make daily life difficult or to decline sex so he can't just switch on and off his forgiveness.

Don't lie again and tell him to grow up.

Never mind I will try and figure this out myself I just feel I have hit a brick wall and don’t know what to do.

He does sound controlling and masquerading as Mr sensitive to manipulate and coerce you. It all sounds very unhealthy and you are coming across like you are heightened anxious state. It sounds totally off.

You have hit a brick wall. There is literally nothing further you can do.

Tell him that. Tell him 'I've accepted responsibility for my mistake, but I cannot accept responsibility for your feelings. I have apologised for my mistake. What are you going to do about your feelings?'

@Niamah

The thing is, a lie isn't the same thing as an easily fixable mistake.

Say you wrap up a present for someone and realise you left part of the gift out.
That's a fixable problem. With several solutions.

Unwrap and re-wrap
Or wrap separately
Or give separately
OR decide you want to gift the other part to someone else
Or even keep it yourself

See, lots of options. I'm sure there are more.

You, otoh, are asking for assistance where we don't know what the source of the problem is.

Eg.
You discover an intermittent drip coming through your kitchen ceiling.
So you put a bucket underneath to catch the drip and stop the water spreading over your kitchen floor (I.e.... your op)
You're asking mn for help in making the drip stop.

We can say:
Put a bucket underneath
Keep a sponge handy
Keep mopping
Stick something over where the drip is.... something like a plaster
Have you checked your roof?
Because we don't know where the drip is coming from.

Any of our suggestions might help in the here and now, but none of us know where the drip is coming from, so don't know whether to suggest a plumber for your leaky bathroom tap or a tiler to replace the missing tile from your roof.
And you're not helping us help you, because you won't tell us if your tap is leaking or not mentioning that your roof blew off in the last storm.

No one here is trying to "out" you, but if you won't answer out questions; I'm afraid you're on your own.

We can't help because you won't let us.
Ergo, I'm afraid you're on your own!

Good luck