Why does he do this …?

[LuckyXhi]

I’ve noticed a pattern emerging with my partner of 7 years , and I’m clueless as to why he behaves this way ?

So the latest incident which is why I’ve brought it here for any wiser heads to help is a young family member of mine has developed a potentially serious medical condition. Partner came home from work yesterday, said I’d seemed off in communication today so I naturally filled him and he reacted with sympathy, worry and care - but then I’d say thirty minutes later once we’d sat down to eat everything changed .

Literally his mood went from being cheerful , and having a good day which had been communicated through his messages to how awful it had been , to how stressed he was , to basically being all about him . So my focus shifted from my relative to my whole attention on him and him alone. It kind of nagged at me and through the night I kept finding other times this had happened :

It doesn’t tend to be times when I’m personally ill or stressed or whatever - then he’s fine but for example my father passing 15months ago it was the exact same situation he drew my focus back to him , my mum being poorly, my grandparent passing …

Its almost as if he can’t have me thinking of anyone else ? Why where does this come from ?

Thank you if anyone has read this far , any insight would be much appreciated ?

It might be worth bringing up like this:

Bob, on Tuesday you texted saying you were having a fun day, you had doughnuts come in, saw a funny pigeon etc.(Read out happy texts)But then when you came home you told me actually you had had an awesome day.

The only thing that seemed to have changed was that l let you know I was concerned about Jenny.

You might not have noticed, but whenever I express concern about someone, within a day, you will be talking about health concerns of your own which you didn't have before.

I don't know if it's because thinking of other people sick makes you fearful for your own health, or you feel like my attention is no longer on you, and you need to get attention back somehow.

Regardless, I think you need to be aware of it. Take some time to think about it, then let me know what steps you are taking to address it.

*awesome day = awful day.

@ThatFraggle I don’t think in any way it’s a concern about his own health like a form of health anxiety… I’d be able to understand that .
I should have probably given more examples , but they popped in my brain first. And maybe I didn’t want to admit this , but genuinely sometimes it seems I’m not allowed to have another focus

It sounds like he is attention. Next time he does it l would just tell him that you won't be able to share this kind of news with him if he's going to make it all about him.

"Literally his mood went from being cheerful , and having a good day which had been communicated through his messages to how awful it had been , to how stressed he was , to basically being all about him . So my focus shifted from my relative to my whole attention on him and him alone".

Which is what he wanted all along; for you to give him the attention that you were giving your relatives. He does not like you doing that at all so he does this to get the focus back onto him. I would read about narcissism and see how much of this relates to his own behaviour. He'll completely deny it all if you challenge him.

I would seriously consider if this is a relationship you actually now want to remain in.

And no, according to him you are not allowed another focus.

Yuck, he sounds childish and needy.

this will seem like a drip feed - its not - but there is something else and it didn’t fit in my OP - would this behaviour go along with when he tells me that he’s the only person who knows me , that only he basically knows the real me and no one else not even my family does

Maybe, once you've talked about the ill relative, he feels there is space in the conversation for his day/feelings?

When my dad had cancer, the rest of the world didn't stop. I'd talk about that for a but but then I was quite happy to listen to my husband's crappy day, or discuss my ridiculous mother or be distracted in some other way.

Maybe everyone else is right and he's a complete arsehole!

But how much mileage is there for an evening's conversation in speculating about the potentially serious medical condition of a relative once all the appropriate sentiments have been expressed?

If he is generally quite negative, it might be that you're more aware of it when you perceive other people have actual shit to deal with. In which case, that's something to consider. But I wouldn't necessarily jump to him being a controlling, abusive arsehole who won't let you think about anyone else.

Oh well yeah, that's different! He's a twat.

@GreyCarpet at first esp when my dad died and my mum was poorly I did put it down to that like maybe I was going on … so I curbed it in , I had grief counselling , started a course of art therapy and really worked on self soothing and becoming more secure in myself …

He thinks nobody knows you like he does?! Hmm, not quite sure what to make of him to be honest.

"would this behaviour go along with when he tells me that he’s the only person who knows me , that only he basically knows the real me and no one else not even my family does"

Yeah right. He is really that pompous and full of BS.

He needs to be dumped as of now. This man is so very wrong for you and he will never make you happy.

Possessive attention seeker. Run for the fuckin hills. Before you know it you will be distancing yourself from people because your DP sulks whenever you mention them. Then he will be 100 % the focus of your attention. Ive been there.

@mommatoone The speeches about certain people only using you … they started a few months ago . It’s like once I changed everything changed

@LuckyXhi Im only going off my experience here .but my ex was like this, started slagging my friends off ( ie- they are using you etc) to the point where i believed him, thus distancing myself from people. And with you having therapy wanting to better yourself/ take control. He wont like that because he wants you to depend on him only. OP , take a step back from this relationship. You deserve better.

I would take some time to step back and take a look at this relationship

If a parent is dying you are allowed to talk about it and should not be thinking about "curbing it" nor should an adult relationships involve you thinking about his attention needs to this extent.
it is perfectly normal for the whole evening for your head to be with this poor child and their family and not to be concerning yourself with his needs ( for once) he would have a case for complaint if your were always mithering other others problem and never gave him any consideration but this does not seem to be the case

The comment regarding he is the only one who knows you etc is a red flag

I would have a frank conversation ( I'd personally miss off the blunt ending ) to the first posters suggestion and take it from there

Lots of red flags there - he’s manipulating you all the time - not good