Do I need to suffer forever?

[pinkmarshmalloww]

Hi everyone. I've been through a very rough patch with my partner this year. Extreme depression and no motivation and tiredness turned me into a person that no1 would've wanted to be around. I wasn't nice to be around at all. Well I found out I had a lifelong disease and I'm now on medication forever. And all those side affects have slowly started vanishing now I've been on medication for a while.
Now every time I have a disagreement with my partner and I try and have a discussion with him about how he's done something I don't agree with, he flips back to me when I was in my bad place and says well you've acted this way in the past and it was alright for you?

Then I'll come out with how childish that is and I didn't think he was that kind of person and thought he was better than that.

You see back when I was in my low moods I had a habit of bringing up things he did in the past like I just couldn't let go of them, my anxiety was at its worst and I was so angry daily at everything and he always used to say I'm sick of you dragging up the past and "digging" But now he's doing exactly that to me 😫

I've told him that I'll never be able to open up to him again about anything that I disagree with because I'll just have that thrown back in my face. This happened about a week ago and he told me it wouldn't happen again. But it has 😩
Am I going to be punished for my past behaviour forever?

I'm already extremely guilty for my past depression and how I treated him. And I've spent the last couple of months feeling like I've come out of a bubble and getting back to my old self and making our relationship as strong as it was before I went downhill.

We used to sit down and just talk about things and how it made each other feel and then put it to bed.

He spoke to the children poorly last night and I had a go at him for it. But all I got was "but it was alright for you" in his silly sarcastic voice.
Bringing up all of my emotions of guilt and shame I felt again 🥺

Unfortunately yes probably. Im speaking from experience. Some people, and its mostly men, cannot except that they are ever wrong and once you have made a mistake, even if its once in ten years or because you were ill they will use it to excuse their poor behavior and as a stick to beat you with.
It would be interesting for you to think about the times you have initiated a conversation about something he has done to upset you and if he has excepted that and apoligised, or if he always had an excuse. Its because you did x or y so its your fault he said/acted that way or your wrong/imagining it, he never did x and your upset for nothing/making yourself upset. Both before and after your illness. Im not saying you need to answer that on here its just a good idea to reflect for yourself. I think the answer will tell you all you need to know.
If its the latter you will never reason with such people, they never see themselves as doing anything wrong or upsetting and the fact that you were unwell gives them more ammunition often unconsciously that any issues in the relationship are caused by you, cant possibly be them. These types are never wrong and always the victim (in their eyes).
I think its often a symptom of perfection seeking parents during their childhood and consequently low self worth but that's just my non professional thoughts.

To put it bluntly - probably yes, if you stay with this person.

By the sound of it you both did regrettable things in the past and you both used them as ammunition against the other person in an argument.

Sometimes you reach a point of no return where no matter what you do, the other person will neither forget nor forgive you - and they don't have to. You don't need to forget his past behaviour, he is not obliged to forget how you have treated him. Especially since you did exactly what he is doing now - and you saying it is childish for him, but was ok for you because A, B and C is probably only increasing his resentment and frustration towards you.

Really, neither of you has an argument against this behaviour unless you both admit it's wrong with no excuses - but this will only work if there is a willingness on both sides to be together instead of constantly retaliate for past behaviours.

You moved on with your life op. Move along now without him. He is a twat. And always will be.
Ime.

Sounds like you've both had an awful time. I would suggest therapy as I don't think things are currently sustainable.

You will get a lot of answers saying he just needs to be compassionate and accept that your behaviour was part of your illness and his isn't. But his behaviour is part of the whole difficult time. If you want to get back on an even keel you both need to commit to working through what has happened and recreating the respect you had before.

Don't tolerate contempt but do offer to work through his resentment if you want to stay together. You both need to commit to this though and try to move forwards without blame. It can't just be you.

I understand very well where you're coming from as my personality was affected by life long meds at the start.

Hello @pinkmarshmalloww , I definitely feel for you and understand your frustration .
@Breadandbutter88 has some good insight.

It is a common thing to always want to be right in an argument or conflict. Unfortunately in a loving relationship nobody wins, you both lose. You have to want to work together as a team to resolve the problem so you both can win or at least compromise. Respect is the key.

The language we use is very important in getting our meaning across. We must take our time, choose our words carefully, keep our emotions in check and take a break if someone starts getting upset. Then come back and find a resolution.

Fingerpointing and blaming don't work at all; neither does defensiveness. Going off the subject and bringing up the past is just a diversion technique and needs to be mutually forbidden by both partners.

Focus on resolving one topic at a time. Keep bringing your topic up and do not allow the other to derail it with his topic. You can then decide together when to discuss his problem.

It is very hard to unlearn old patterns of thinking and functioning. Both partners have to be willing and patient for it to work.

I think this requires the help of a therapist.

I personally have never been able to get my spouse on board for this. He is probably too afraid of losing control. But I am still trying and explaining and hoping one day it will happen.

Good luck to you and your DP.

Am I going to be punished for my past behaviour forever

Yes, if you choose to stay with someone who punishes you.

Why would you do that?