Please help me get out of this awful rut after a breakup 🙏

[Cupcake00]

I have posted because I feel so alone and just so stuck!
I tried dating (I posted here about it). That lasted 3 dates.
Maybe that has knocked me, I'm not sure.
I have put on 3 stone in a year. I know why. Too much wine, caramel iced coffee, chocolate and a sit down job.
I joined the gym and enjoyed the classes but my job is long hours and I'm always on shift on the days the classes are. So I'm paying a membership that I don't use. I downloaded couch to 5k and went once. I have zero motivation. I'm not depressed.
I have lost all control, it feels anyway. Its like my thoughts and feelings revert back to my ex on times. We weren't compatible and it's the right thing.
I can't even look at myself in the mirror at the moment. I feel quite disgusting. I know I should be being kind to myself. From the outside, nobody would know. I put on a front at work but I come home (which I dread sometimes) and just feel lost, alone and can not motivate myself to change. I also have quite a full on manager that is quite controlling.
I'm sorry to come on here and moan. I don't have anyone to talk to. I have dreamt about my ex and woke up upset this morning. I know that's probably another reason for feeling like poop this morning.
But, its been this way since last November. I know it starts with me. I just needed somewhere to turn this morning because it can feel a lonely place.
If anyone has any motivational stories or advice or just some thoughts for me this morning, I would be grateful 🙏

I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling this way @Cupcake00. I think most of us have been in this exact place more than once in our lives. It can feel like a catch 22, an overwhelming situation saps us of motivation but we need to bring about a change to motivate us. I also think it’s normal to hark back to a happier time which could be why you’re thinking of your ex.

I’m just coming out of a situation that killed my self-esteem ((now ex)best friend and ex who was also a lifelong friend) and I was pretty devastated for a little while. But, I have a milestone birthday coming up and I am just sick to death of hurting over people who treat me badly. I don’t want to waste any more of my life in pain. I want to live.

So, I joined a diet club and more recently an exercise class where I’ve met loads of really lovely women that could eventually turn into friends. I’ve lost a lot of weight and my confidence is soaring. I’ve taken up drawing again for the first time since school to discover that I’m still pretty good. I’m not happy at work but I'm enjoying myself too much to do anything about it just now.

All this is to say that you can build a life you’re happy with. Not all at once and not straight away but little by little. To me it sounds as if a job change would really help. Perhaps one with better pay and less hours to free you up a little for hobbies and exercise? I know it’s daunting putting yourself out there but just the process of doing something for yourself can switch your mindset and encourage you to keep going.

I'm receiving counselling at the moment and something that my counsellor said that really helped me was to talk to myself as if I’m a friend. So I started telling myself how proud I was of me for surviving so much trauma, for putting myself out there, promised myself that even though I was hurting, I would turn it around and come back even stronger. Plus a bit of self care like painting my nails, having a hair cut etc. can help you to feel better about yourself. In other words, show up for yourself and remind yourself that no matter what, you have your own back.

Sending lots of love and strength your way for brighter days

P.s. Here’s something I saw on FB recently that really resonated.

Sounds like you are a little depressed.

Not judging.

Also sounds like you have lost some confidence too.

As the previous poster said, be kind to yourself. I've felt like you, took me a long time to get past it.

Keep pushing forward, do lots of different things, surround yourself with good people. Go on Meetup. Change jobs too if you can, I worked in a miserable corporation that was controlling and it affected my mental health. It's not worth it.

It's easy to say but only you can change things. Start with little steps

Take care.

Hi @Cupcake00 it's totally normal to feel like this after a breakup. I've had some awful breakups, it's hard i totally understand but honestly you will get through this time.
I think, start with the food, get rid of all the crappy food, replace it with fruit, salads and veg. It will make you feel good and you will gain energy to want to exercise. You were fabulous before him, you can get there again. You can do this xx

@Cupcake00 - probably shouldn’t be asking this but are you the poster whose husband shared that he had become romantically involved with a colleague when you had a toddler and another on the way? If it is you, I have often wondered how things panned out. Also, if it is you, I’m not at all surprised that your confidence was very badly knocked but you always sounded amazing and I know you will get to a good place.

Whether or not it’s you, one thing I’ve learnt in life for things like this is that motivation follows action, it doesn’t precede it. Don’t wait to feel ready. Little things add up and once you start to see results, that’s when motivation really comes. And I speak as someone whose weight can really yo-yo.

Planning to go to the gym is a big thing. Go for smaller things - the easy wins. If you travel into work on public transport, get on or off a bit sooner and add 10-15 minutes walking to your journey each way. Walk to see colleagues rather than ringing them.

One thing I do - if I haven’t made time for a walk - is to walk on the spot whilst watching TV. Another thing has been to significantly increase my intake of healthy foods: eating lots of salad vegetables etc rather than less healthy foods. You may feel a bit deprived at first but you will come to really appreciate the flavours and your body will feel happier because you’re looking after it. Try to only eat when you’re hungry. I love eating and would do it at the drop of a hat. But if I reach for something now when I’m not hungry, I try to remember to ask myself how I will feel after I’ve eaten it. Will i be glad or not? Usually I know I will not be glad and I will regret it. That usually stops me now.

Focus on little and often and easy wins. You’ll be amazed how quickly you start to feel better about yourself.

Oh thankyou all so so so much 💖
Honestly, I woke this morning in a place that felt so alone. I appreciate more than you know, the response I have had here!
I love the Facebook quote RandomOrder. Also, WOW you have done amazing and so glad you feel better. I do try and look after myself and reframe my thoughts when they're negative. I have noticed I'm not too nice to myself lately. That's a great way to think about it, talking to ourselves like we would a friend.
Lucious I am feeling a little low at the moment but really trying to not hit the bottom. I have lost so much confidence. My clothes don't fit. I no longer wear a dress. It's a number of things. How did I allow this to happen, I often ask myself.
Summer, you are write. I started with the food today. I still had one iced coffee and one glass of wine this evening (it would usually be half the bottle). I had 3 healthy meals with no chocolate. I went for an hours walk too. I'm really trying not to slip lower than I am.
Deri, no that wasn't me. I have teenage children. I'm a nurse and just started working in a higher paid job. That actually gives. Ore flexibility to exercise. I'm just in a rut. The classes (zumba and pound) are only once a week and I'm usually in work on the days it's on. I have a pass to the gym but find it lonely and unmotivating.
I can't change jobs as this fits finally and with my dc's.
It's hard to be alone after a breakup too. My thoughts around him have been so strong today. I have had a few tears. Back in work early tomorrow.
Again thankyou so much. Hopefully I will avoid my manager tomorrow. I think sometimes people can bring us down and then not having anyone to come home to feels more lonely.

Another one suggesting join a diet club. It does make a big difference to have support when you're trying to lose weight. Then get into some gym classes. Once you start losing weight it will motivate you to do more. Also those lovely endorphins will make you feel better.

One step at a time, give yourself time to grieve your relationship. 💐

Dacquoises I'm going to really try to stay motivated. Yes, it's a very good thought. I'm coeliac so struggle with planning. Still get quite bloated at times. Work is busy so I need to plan more. I have been working overtime at the moment for financial reasons. So it's weighing it up isn't it?!
I'm going to try and listen to something motivational before bed.
The grieving process is so up and down isn't it?
Thankyou 🥰

Have you thought about a meditation app? I find them very useful for dealing with difficult feelings. Feel the feelings then let them go. All feelings pass, sadness, longing, despair. Meditation can help you to not fixate on the bad feelings.

Oh Op, I was similar to you. Got dumped in march - well ghosted . Anyway joined slimming world , been losing a bit of weight. Re joined c2-5k with a local running club and go with some nice peeps. I can’t exercise on my own. Could you do it with other people or see if there’s a club near you that runs one ? They’re not all full of marathon runners.

I go out, get some endorphins and feel so much better for it. Good luck, it’s bloody hard when you’ve had your heart broken.

I think you need to meet yourself where you are at right now. You're looking for comfort and care and you've been indulging a little as a source for that to pick yourself up after a tough time- who hasn't done that? Break ups are so rough and some times you'll feel better and stronger than others and that's OK. You are allowed to grieve.

I think you start by taking the pressure off. Do things because you actually enjoy them, not because you're being mean to yourself in the mirror and feel you have to. Speak kinder to yourself- if you wouldn't say it to a friend don't say it to yourself in your head. It'll take practice but it will make a big difference in how you feel.

I would try to find other ways to practice self care, having a weekly pamper night. Or doing an exercise video off YouTube that you enjoy or just going for a good long walk with your headphones in and some good, upbeat music. Set yourself a goal of cooking nutritious meals x times a week. I found good cheesy music really helped me lift myself up when I was in a bit of a funk after a breakup so I'd have it on around the house so things weren't quiet.

I'd try to take up a new hobby and try to join a class or group where you'll meet some new people. I wouldn't worry about dating right now if you feel its not working for you because it takes resilience, I'd focus on boosting your confidence and self care first. In the meantime while you work on your goals buy yourself a few new bits for the wardrobe if you can afford it. There's nothing that makes you feel shittier than wearing clothes that aren't fitting right and continuously feeling uncomfortable in them. You deserve to feel good in your clothes.

I'd also think about the other relationships in your life that you'd like to invest in, more time spent with your teens if you can pin them down? More time with friends or maybe investing in making new friends? It takes time and the dreams are you processing things too so each dream as upsetting as they are is you one step closer to feeling better about things in the long run.