Please leave your partner at home

[Orangeeiknarf]

I have a good friend who will often say quite negative things about their partner but will frequently invite him along to our plans. Whenever we meet, I can completely see where my friend is coming from.

I guess there are two things going on here -

1. I don't quite understand when people feel the need to bring partners along to 1:1 plans or a night out just with friends (me and my own DH have separate friends and it's our personal preference not to attend each others other things unless explicitly invited). Am I the weirdo here?

1. Is it bad that as well as finding the whole bring your partner everywhere thing a bit odd, I'm also no longer looking forward to our time together because their awkward partner will be there?

If she is a good friend why oh why can't you say - 'Drinks on Friday night? Just me and you!' or whatever.

I can’t stand being the 3rd wheel and have cancelled plans when I’ve got wind someone is bringing their partner along. Fine in a larger group setting. Not fine when it’s 3 people

I see a couple of friends for coffee once every 2-3 weeks, and since GCSE exams finished, one of them has been bringing her 16 year old son along. He sits there staring at his phone and once he’s eaten his cake, he’s bored and agitating for them to leave. It’s so weird. What teenager wants to go for coffee with their mother’s middle aged friends??

I had a friend like this and eventually our friendship fell apart, this was one of the reasons...though I doubt she'd see it that way. But ultimately her being completely codependent meant that it became almost impossible to have a friendship - to the point where even our phone calls were scheduled around his dinner etc.

You are defo not the weirdo here, having a partner come along completely changes the dynamic of your evening and frankly your friends with her, not him. I tried many times to drop the hint but he always managed to appear at the last minute...it just didn't work for me and could never understand if it was a control thing on his part.

I'm glad it's not just me. I hate it when friends bring their partners without explicit invitation. I have a best friend who I've been friends with since school. Her husband is a complete prick and for various very valid reasons I don't like him, but since they've been together I've NEVER seen her on her own without him. I'm friends with her, not him, so I want to see her and talk to her, not have the dynamic ruined by him being there every time. As a consequence, I now avoid seeing her completely and tbh I think a 20 year friendship is on its way out because of it.

You are definitely not in the wrong. It’s rude and intrusive for someone to bring their partner out when you’re meeting up.

I would have to tell her straight that it’s just the two of you.

I have a few friends who I just stopped making plans with as they always brought partners. I did not really like the partners and they seemed to not want to be there anyway. Now when making plans I make it clear when it’s a friend night or a bring partner night.

I’m with you, OP. I think it’s odd and a real shame when couples can’t socialise independently and sometimes it’s a sign of a controlling relationship. DH and I do a mixture of joint and separate socialising.

But can’t you raise this with your friend directly?

re your comment:

"I have a good friend who will often say quite negative things about their partner but will frequently invite him along to our plans"

There are reasons why this is happening and it may not be of her doing entirely. Some controlling men actively keep tabs on their target and do this very behaviour towards them.

Can you raise this issue with your friend directly?. Is she ever without him in tow?. Does she work outside the home?.

What sort of negative things does your friend about him? Is he possibly controlling and insisting he goes everywhere with your friend?

Is it possible that he’s controlling and won’t “let” her come without him? Maybe she’s being abused.

Also, have you ever asked him what he gets out going on girl’s nights out? Why he’s there at all?

Why on earth don't you just say something?

Couples nights out and just friends nights out are completely different.

How can he want to sit there and listen to chat about periods, make up, clothes and other girly things that sometimes crop up in conversation with female friends?

I think you're going to need to be quite blunt here OP.

I would make a point of engaging him and gently take the piss “Oh here again Steve? Are you not able to let her out of your sight? Seriously, why do you want to sit listening to a couple of women catching up? Haven’t you got anything else better to do?”

I don't quite understand when people feel the need to bring partners along to 1:1 plans or a night out just with friends (me and my own DH have separate friends and it's our personal preference not to attend each others other things unless explicitly invited). Am I the weirdo here?
No, absolutely not. It's an intensely weird thing to do, especially on a regular basis.

Glad I'm not the odd one!

My friend is actually a man and is inviting his boyfriend. I don't think this should change my initial question though it feels like I definitely can't blame the boyfriend for wanting to crash a girly night because that's not what it is.

I think we get on so well because we are both chronic overthinkers and people pleasers. That's why the thought of telling him and making him feel awkward is quite a scary thought.

I don’t recognise this, but my friendship groups are pretty mixed, plus I don’t think that even when it’s only women present that that much period- or make-up related stuff crops up.

But I do agree that bringing someone who hasn’t been invited because they aren’t actually your friend is weird.

This was asked before about a woman bringing her female partner. It isn't about the sex of anyone attending it is about one of them being a couple and the other person/persons all leaving their partners at home.