Am I a victim of gaslighting?

[Ellena646]

So I ended an abusive relationship last year (had a lot of support on here, thank you all), took some time and am now with another fella. We have agreed to be monogamous (no shady area there this time) but I have noticed when he opens his phone beside me that on WA I keep seeing a woman's name above or below mine in chats, so he must be talking to her quite a lot. He hasn't mentioned her and I know of most of his work and social friends, so I asked him who she is. He was on his phone at the time, so after a few second he passed his phone over and said, "there is no-one of that name on my phone," and it had gone, disappeared. Long story short, he has a) convinced me that I saw something else instead b) got angry when I challenged that c) is now behaving like it never happened. NB: My last B/F cheated on a dating app so I have form.. am I paranoid, or is this just too odd?

If you are already being made to feel like this then, regardless of what you did or didn’t see, this isn’t the right relationship to be in.

Must have deleted or changed the name. If you’re having this feeling early on I’d cut your losses now and end the relationship.

He deffo deleted the name and thread. It’s so obvious. You are most certainly not seeing things. You don’t need to go through this a second time round, I’d be letting go p

Get out whilst you can! You deserve better! X

If you can get hold of his phone look in his archived messages in WhatsApp that's probably where he put her

But you know what you saw...

You know what you saw, Ellena. He deleted, gaslighted you, and got angry. He’s another emotional abuser.

It’s good that you caught on early. Move on and don’t look back.

I would end things swiftly without giving him the opportunity to manipulate you.

I know, I thought of that afterwards... I was too busy doubting my own mind to think straight...

Having been in an abusive and gaslighting relationship Id say get out. And with the utmost kindness and respect stay off relationships for a while. You need time to recover and get a real sense of yourself again. These vultures prey on vulnerable people who are not properly over what happened in their last relationship(s).

So many wrong ones out there. Leave now. Then, work on yourself to understand what is drawing you to these people. Otherwise, you'll be stuck on repeat and not see the good ones there.

you’ve basically gone from one abuser to another abuser. Not an uncommon scenario at all.

Further to what DrCoconut wrote enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and do this asap and particularly before you embark on any further relationship. Love your own self for s change. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this man now.

Dump him

I have been in therapy since last year, weekly... it's thanks to the therapist that I was able to say, "yeah I did see that name", it's been hard to think that I doubted it though... just wanted to see if anyone else has had this experience because I could never just outright lie to someone like that! I suppose I like to see the good in people, which might in itself make me a target...

Hi thanks, I looked at The Freedom programme... isn't it for violent domestic abuse? I don't want to take a place that someone in a much worse situation than me is going through.. or is it for emotional abuse too?

It’s for those who have been in abusive relationships. Abuse is not just physical in nature. What you’ve been through is abuse too and do not think of it as you taking someone else’s place either because in your head their abuse is worse.

it's been hard to think that I doubted it though

Tbh, I think anyone would doubt themselves if they thought they saw something and someone explicitly told them "no, you didn't". That's why gaslighting is so effective. It usually doesn't start off feeling very sinister, and it's natural to second guess things when someone contradicts you. It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you if you sometimes still doubt yourself.

There is a theory of first and second order thinking, which basically says that your first thought is spontaneous and non-reflective, it's more likely to be our conditioned thoughts, but our second order thought raises the first thought to a level of conscious realisation, and analyses and assesses things with more consideration.

It's natural that based on what was being presented in front of you, your first order thought was "was I just seeing things?", but your second order thought realised that's not the case. Gaslighting has become a problem when it affects your second order thinking.

I would also encourage you to do the freedom programme.

We have keys to each other's houses and stuff, books, records, clothes etc. I know if I see him he's going to gaslight me some more, which I am clearly susceptible to.. how should I deal with ending this?

I've been in this situation & would advise finding a solution where you do not have to see him

Collect your stuff when you know he's out, leave his stuff outside yours, but seriously don't see him. It's just giving him another chance to gaslight & manipulate you