How do you live peaceably with a personality disordered spouse?

[NarcNarc]

I’m feeling trapped in my marriage of 25 years due to my H’s diagnosed personality disorder and my own poor health which means I’m financially dependent on him and likely to remain so because there’s currently no cure for my two physical illnesses. I get a small amount of disability benefit but nowhere near enough to live on. I know I’d be entitled to more benefits if I lived alone but I’m settled in this community, can get to the GP and local hospitals quite easily and have a few good friends here. I’ve been medically retired since COVID and my life is quite limited but I’m fine with it because I know it could be a lot worse having lived on housing estates where the police didn’t dare to venture.

The main problem is that my H refuses to believe his diagnosis of paranoid personality disorder with schizoid and narcissistic features, even though his psychiatrist explained it to him several times. I understand why he doesn’t want to have these disorders but treating me badly day in day out and telling me that I’ve got a personality disorder, not him, is making my life unbearable. He’s always been emotionally unstable and abusive towards me but he manages to hold down a job despite getting into rages at home about the way his various work colleagues over the years have allegedly treated him and we’ve got a small house that I’ve worked hard on over the years to keep it looking nice and I’d be really sad to lose it. There wouldn’t be enough money for us both to buy our own homes unless we moved miles away. Because of my health issues I don’t want to move out of the area and it’s in one of the cheapest parts of the country anyway.

I dream of leaving but I’m scared that I’d end up regretting it and there would be no going back once I’d served divorce papers on H. I think he’d fly into the worst rage ever if I did and although it’s been years since he laid a finger on me (he normally shouts, rages, gives me the silent treatment for days on end, accuses me of all sorts of dreadful things that I’ve not done etc) I don’t think I’d feel safe being in the same house when he realised I was leaving.

So, has anyone else been in this situation and managed to live anything other than a miserable life? If so, how do you do it?

You need to leave. You’ve got one life.

This sounds awful. Can you get help from Adult Social Services? You are vulnerable living in a violent, abusive home. There must be help out there to get you out, if you want to leave

you can't. Leave him.

Start by speaking to women's aid. You have options, and they'll talk you through them. You don't have to live like this.

Thanks for the replies. I feel so weary after dealing with H’s moods, temper tantrums and sheer illogicality but I’m not even able to drive at the moment and leaving feels impossible. I’m avoiding being in the same room as him as much as possible and we’ve got separate bedrooms at my insistence which helps me cope. Life is miserable though and I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.

Denial that he’s mentally ill seems to be part of his illness unfortunately so he shuts down any discussions about how he might behave differently towards me by shouting accusations at me and demanding
‘proof’ that he’s done anything wrong. I’m too tired to argue my case these days so he thinks he’s ‘won’. At the end of the day he’s not even making himself happy with his behaviour. I’m his second wife and I wish I’d listened to his first wife who said he browbeat her. I believe her now and have for twenty years I think.

I'd rather live free for one day than in a cage forever.

I’m already in a cage of my own illness, sadly. If I were healthy I’d have left long before now. I’ve been in and out of hospital since childhood unfortunately.

I had a chronic illness (lifelong) I left my ex who very clearly had mental issues. Rather be sick and alone then live like that. Perhaps lifting the mental load will help in a small way.

Thanks and sorry you’ve also suffered with lifelong chronic illness. I can cope with my original illness normally but I’ve got an injury now and that’s highlighted even more problems with the relationship because I’m dependent on him for certain things. Hopefully, things improve with all the physio I’m having because I hate being dependent on a man who doesn’t have my best interests at heart and who only cares about himself.