How to ask people for support and find mutual friendships

[fenellasrose]

For context, I come from a very abusive childhood and also married an abuser. Long term divorced with 2 dcs. Had lots of counselling but I still find it hard to trust people.

I have a couple of 'friends' from my past who I think make it worse. Friend 1 leans on me whenever she has a crisis but disappears if I am having a hard time or stress, she'll just not text or see how I am. I don't think she's a true friend, I've just known her a long time. I can never count on her for support and she disappeared for over a year after my mum died. When she's having a hard time she'll text me several times a day.

Friend 2 is quite gossipy and when I see her it's like she is collecting gossip. I'm going through a lot of stress right now (moving home, changing jobs) and last time I saw her she made out as if I would get cancer and someone she knows who's a lone parent died from the stress of it -she is married and well off. It made me feel worse and added to my anxiety.

I've known both of these people for decades. I feel like now I need to have a fresh start, let go of these friendships and find people I gel with more. How do I do this?

I'm probably not in the best position to offer advice but I think I understand where you are coming from having ended two 'friendships' that have similarities to the two you describe in your OP fairly recently (and also having a less than ideal childhood - so a background of 'difficult' relatives).

I wouldn't try to do it all at once. I let go of these friendships over a period of time and gently (I guess up until the final tiny straw there was some hope it could be steered in a different direction) - became secure with my own boundaries. Really listened to what I enjoyed and didn't and stopped acting out of obligation. Took a lot more pleasure in the casual interactions with acquaintances and strangers.

I'm definitely open to more friendships but I'm not actively seeking them right now. I'm in quite a reflective and observational phase I think - working on myself. I've got a few strong friendships but they aren't local (or local to each other) so I feel like I've only got acquaintances & work friends locally right now, but I'm ok with that.

Maybe we just need to accept there is some wisdom in finding it hard to trust people? It isn't necessarily a bad thing? I do feel strongly that this now long list of what I do and don't want in a friend I must first be.

Thanks MetricUnit what a thoughtful reply, it really helped. It makes sense, to look at it like that, just have some self care and take my time. I don't feel like they can be salvaged now, even though that makes me sad. I can see that growing up I was made to feel grateful for any attention or anyone's time and didn't have any expectations, or really choose my friends I was just grateful for anyone willing to be friends with me. So I didn't think about who I'd like to be friends with. I agree that in order to be the friend I want I need to make sure that I also have the qualities I'd like to find in others. People don't need to be perfect of course, just kind really. I feel like I'm always guessing at what 'normal' is. Need to take some time to increase my confidence.

I can relate to not knowing what normal is…where does the effect of my childhood end and where does my personality begin? Where does plain over-thinking it start?!

There have always been certain character traits that made me shy away from friendships with people. I feel like it has always been limited but now I’ve further limited it. Sounds like a contradiction, but I’m simultaneously more tolerant and less tolerant. Will need to come back to this when home (picking DS up now and he’s just come out).

I think what I am saying is I'm more open to friendly acquaintance type relationships as I am more confident in my boundaries. So more at that level but moving inwards to closer friendships the boundaries are stronger. I think it used to be the opposite way round - the tallest 'wall' was on the outside and then they got smaller and now it is the opposite. Does this even make sense?! 😂Not sure.

So, are you just not going to stop making plans with these two @fenellasrose ? Sounds like you've had the final straw with both of them.

I wouldn't class these as friends. First a good friend not only off loads but they pick you up when it's your turn to have a hard time. As for a gossipy friend they want all the chat and dramas to share to spread around. Concentrate on yourself I hope your ok

Thanks to you both for these kind comments. The thread has made me face up to things more, I need to take care of myself and sort out boundaries, stop giving too much to people who don't care about me. I'm going to try and focus on looking after myself and then meeting some new people once I feel a bit better.

Good luck with it all @fenellasrose - you definitely deserve much better than these friendships🌻

I'm finding it hard to articulate this in my head, so hope it doesn't come across wrong, but I find on MN that the expectations of friendship sometimes seem almost like a job description: must be trustworthy, proactively arranging meeting up but not 'needy', provide emotional support, be there in a crisis, commit to fulfilling this role indefinitely.

I think a lot of the benefits of friendship can be achieved in a more fluid way, interactions with people you like and have something in common with, which might be work colleagues, fellow parents, people you know through doing a hobby. In my life, if I've had a crap morning trying to get DC out of the house in time for school and I can have a quick unload onto another mum who gets it then that makes me feel better. With some of the school parents I might not have much else in common, but with others I've ended up having interesting chats about all sorts of things.

So far only a couple of these people have ended up being 'proper friends', i.e. keeping in touch and meeting up without the kids when they've moved on to secondary, but all of the interactions and human contact have helped fill my need for friendship. Same in past jobs bonding with work colleagues over stressful stuff but not seeing them once we've moved on to other jobs, or chatting with nice people in my choir - I don't see them outside of that specific situation but they enrich my life.

To be honest, all these casual interactions are probably more important to my mental health than my long term friends who I love but hardly see as they live in different parts of the country!

All of which may not help you much if you have a limited social circle and limited time to expand it through activities because of being a lone parent. I suppose what I'm saying is a friend can just be 'for now' not 'for life'.

That sounds very sensible. Focus on yourself. Ask yourself if certain encounters or relationships are causing you discomfort — and ask while they’re actually happening! Think about what you want to friendships. Improve your self-esteem, and choose your friends, don’t just drift into friendships which aren’t working for you. Say no to things you don’t want. You have choices. Be more deliberate in your choices, and recognise what you bring to friendships.

I do agree with @PurpleParrotfishtoo an extent, too — some posters on Mn who struggle with friendships do so in part because they ask too much too soon, and @PurpleParrotfish is right that you can have some of your ‘support needs’ met in much more fluid acquaintance situations while you’re working on developing good new friendships.