Is it me or him - advice needed please

[newlife2011]

A long and complicated one but I’ll try to keep it short and sweet.
myself and partner have been together nearly 10 years, both mid thirties. Have three children between us, who all live with us (my child, his child who I bring up as my own and our child together). Our middle child has additional needs. We have had a very rocky road with said middle child. As a couple we have dealt with serious health problems, cheating (from him), aggression (from him) he suffers low self esteem and takes things very defensively. The bereavement of my mum just to mention a few things.
we have worked hard to get to where we are now as a couple. I love him and I know he loves me.
together we do make a good family u it and there lots of fun and love in our household.

that being said he is a very high maintenance partner and a lot of times I feel like he’s just another one of the kids.
we hold hands/cuddle etc often but he’s reluctant when it comes to kissing and we have zero sex life (his choice) if we do it’s all about him.

theres no want for us to spend time as a couple, although if we do he enjoys it.
I feel forgotten about and unwanted.

as I said I know he loves me and I feel some of the above could be due to his own struggles (low self esteem, anxiety etc)

another feels likes it’s just because he’s selfish and thinks of his needs only.

I don’t really know what advice I’m looking for, really I just need to let it out, but do I just accept this is it? I’ve tried talking to him.

You only have one life. Is this how you want to spend it? Assume that nothing ever changes - how long can you cope before you totally crack?

You say you know he loves you but his actions are not those of a man who loves his partner. Believe in yourself, you deserve better than this and if he's not prepared to do some positive work on himself then I would seriously think about walking away.

Ah bless you. What you are describing is something that is OK, but not great - not setting your world on fire, and it hurts and could be better and is probably a bit disappointing - and as the poster above says, is this it? For life?

We all face these cross roads. Me, I procrastinate because it's scary at first, but when the thoughts won't go away, when someone mentions 'listen to your gut' in passing conversation and my gut throws up the thought that 'this is not right' - I know myself well enough to know that I will be leaving.

How difficult would it be to disentangle yourself from this? Do you think you want to?

Is your main worry about the life of the child who is only biologically his and what happens to them?

Because there doesn't seem to be much worth staying for.

i do know he loves me (he has made lots changes over the years and worked on himself) but I don’t know if he loves me in the way I need or want.

we have a good friendship. We laugh together and can make a great team. I feel like he will only realise what he has/wants if he were to lose me. He often takes me for granted and has openly admitted at times he’s knows he does this.

part of me can’t even comprehend leaving as I can’t bare to think of splitting our family up (I’m not worried as such of losing my non bio child as I know he wouldn’t do that to me).

i do feel a lot of the time I’m settling and that’s not what I want at 35

I always feel so sad for women who stay with men who cheat. I don't want to hurt your feelings but men choose to cheat wether they were depressed or drunk or going through a midlife crisis. At the end of the day they were the ones who made that choice because they disregarded you. A man who can cheat is not in love with you. It really sounds like you are holding onto something just for the small glimpses of happiness it brings you. Your clearly not fulfilled or as happy as you would like to be, you clearly feel unwanted/undesired and have doubt. I would have been gone from the moment I found out he cheated, you have clung on to him way too long .. maybe for security? Maybe in fear of splitting the kids up? Or being alone? I am not sure but you deserve better and you are wasting time.