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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I cut off a parent and is it the right thing to do?

8 replies

Kevinthebird007 · 24/07/2023 18:12

I've posted a couple of points about this before but still in a situation where I am torn about the right course of action.

My mum died nearly 2 years ago. My dad and mum were together for 40 years although I know he messaged men on and off throughout their marriage (I know because on a couple of occasions he accidentally sent them to me...)

6 weeks after my mums funeral, dad tells me he's met someone else. Turns out it's a guy, no issues there from my perspective, until I find out he was 28. And my dad is 78. Alarm bells were ringing. Dad insisted he was from a wealthy family, they were splitting bills etc. He quickly became disinterested in me and my kids, we were not welcome. Fast forward a few months and my uncle (mum's brother) goes into hospital and when he comes out he mentions to me that someone had cloned his bank and credit cards while he was unwell. More red flags. It all came to a head one day when my dad's letting agent called me to say he was behind on his rent and could I pay (no I can't). Turns out he had been stealing from my uncle, he used his bank cards and sold my uncles car all while he was in hospital so he could have access to cash. Turns out the lad was an escort and that's where all the money was going. He spent all my mums estate including money she had earmarked for me for a house deposit (my husband has MS and we wanted to buy somewhere to make adaptations that would make his life easier).

As more and more time has gone on, things have got worse. He had to move house, he was arrested for shop lifting and he's "borrowed" £8k from two family friends which still remain unpaid.

He called me last week, desperate. He sent me 30 texts in 45 minutes saying how desperate he was for money and he was going to lose his new flat if he didn't pay his rent. He asked to borrow £190 and he promised that he would pay me back Thursday. Thursday came, no money. He's now saying there are issues with his benefits but he will definitely pay me back this week. I know I need to cut him off, but I feel bad as he has nobody but me. He is alone and I don't like to think of any one on their own. I also don't want to look like I don't care but I'm finding this all very stressful and upsetting. I don't know what to do as everytime I think I have clarity, I then doubt myself

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 24/07/2023 18:17

Don't throw good money after bad. Don't feel guilty for leaving him in his own mess and don't feel bad for telling him to get on with it.

continentallentil · 24/07/2023 18:30

You will be doing him no favours at all if you gave him money.

I’d send him a note saying you will always love him (or care about him anyway) but until he cleans up his act you do not want contact as it’s unhelpful for you both. You are in no position to lend him money as you are struggling financially plus he spent the money that was supposed to provide a house for you and your disabled husband and his grandchildren.

And block. He knows where you live so he can write to you if he needs to be in touch.

I’m so so sorry OP, and for your uncle and mum.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/07/2023 18:31

Do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm. I would also block his ways of being able to contact you.

He really could not give a shit about you and had only contacted you in order to get money off you. Do not feel sorry for him and do not give him any more money!. You would not have tolerated this from a friend either.

Kevinthebird007 · 24/07/2023 18:40

He's been dishonest all my life. Been in prison a few times for obtaining funds by deception or fraud. Last time was 8 years ago. He missed his own 70th, my 30th and my sons 1st birthday because he was inside. I just feel a real sense of responsibility for him because my mum always managed him.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 24/07/2023 18:44

Have a look on the stately homes thread. Lots of understanding posters who'll understand how torn you feel. 💐

mnlk · 24/07/2023 19:25

He is an adult.

You do not have to "rescue" him.

You can care without bailing him out (metaphorically or otherwise!) when he mismanages his finances.

Cleotolstoy · 24/07/2023 22:41

If he had any empathy for you he would want you to get away and stay away. You can't help him, you're not the right person. He has to want to change. All you can do is signpost him to debt charities and so on and only keep conversations to a minimum. He is in no way a dad, biological parent yes but not a father figure so there's no need to waste time feeling bad about not being able to be a magic daughter making everything okay. Your guilt was probably installed in you by your mum and how she modelled managing him. It was never her job and it's not yours. You can have peace about this, wobbly peace, but peace nonetheless.

nobodysdaughternow · 26/07/2023 19:47

It's hard to step away from a role you have been handed op.

Your Mum stayed with your Dad for 40 years and has passed on the shackles to you. She promised you money, when she must have known your Dad would piss it up the wall?

Both your parents have tried to make you complicit in their dysfunction. They failed you and you owe them nothing, financially or emotionally.

Block your Dad and cut him out for good.

I wish you the peace and happiness you deserve.

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