forgiving an abuser

[unicornwonders]

So the story is, for years i was physically and emotionally abused by my current partner, to the point there was suicide attempts and hospital visits due to the physical damage. I stayed and forgave him as i was pregnant, i was an idiot i know. It calmed down after she was born but did still happen. Now it’s mostly emotional and shouting and throwing things besides the odd slap etc. (i keep my daughter away from all this) But all of a sudden i find my self wishing he would leave, wishing i could get rid of him out my life, trying to make plans to get away etc and i can’t stop but ask myself why now? It’s been way worse than this, why when the worst is over are these feelings coming? i think it might of been triggered as i was watching greys anatomy, with the story of jo and her ex husband but why am i so desperate to get away now yet when all that happened, i was just desperate for us to work things out and be better. i can’t just up and leave as i have no one and no money thanks to him. But i am planning

Do not forgive an abuser.

It will get worse.

Was it him that attempted suicide?

Please contact Women's Aid to see how they can help you.

Please protect yourself and your daughter.

This man is awful.

Do not forgive an abuser.

why now? probably because you are a mum and you need to keep your child safe!

Hope you can get away soon it will be scary but you will be in control of your life and you will be free and happier for it. And you and your child will be SAFE

It could be an odd thing I noticed time and time again when I support women to leave - 'stop coping, start feeling' - when the waters are choppy, we are simply oping and trying to get things calm again. It's when things are calm and safe that the feelings all come parading out.

You are likely stronger and resilient, and also, wrong doesn't suddenly change over into right somehow - this relationship, this situation is wrong and that's a fact, and wrong things usually come to an end I reckon.

There is lots of help for you to leave if you want? X It would mean moving out and starting again, but think of this. if you NEVER see him again, if you take steps to put that into place, what could you do and who would you be? X

You’re not an idiot OP.

keep planning.

protect yourself & your daughter.

things will get better. I was where you are once. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this. But you need to get out. You dont need him or his money as much as you think you do. You’ll see clearer once he’s out of the picture.

it’s not exactly that he has money cos he don’t but with both our money combined we’re only just getting by, it’s scary thinking of trying to manage on my own, but i’m collecting evidence and hiding it well, i need to make sure he can’t get hold of my child, and if i don’t have evidence there’s no way i can stop that. I hate that after days of bad he will try to make it good and i get a glimpse of what it was like at the start. and then remember how awful he is. Everyday feels like surviving mode and once dd is asleep i feel like i’m having a nervous breakdown. i wouldn’t wish this on anyone

You are just in a lull. The worst is not over. He is still abusing you, it just takes a different form. And you think it's not too bad compared to the past. So shouting and throwing things and the odd slap are OK. You didn't make it calm down and you can't stop it escalating again. How much abuse is too much?

You can ask yourself if you happy though? Is this what you want for yourself and your DC. I think you know you're not and this is no way to raise your child and know you need to leave.

Maybe the Freedom Program would help? I found face to face groups most useful to just get out but also to see other women who found themselves in the same or similar awful situation.

I cannot imagine how ‘just the odd slap etc’ is in ANY way acceptable. Good luck escaping from this abusive man and get far, far away from him.