Help me break up with him

[Levelin]

Me and "dp" have been together for nearly 5 years and we have a child together. A couple of days ago he assaulted me again and it's the last straw. Too many "I will change. It won't happen again".

Thing is, I've tried to break up with him many times. I currently live with his parents whilst we was saving for a house. So you can imagine navigating any feud let alone a break up is hard. They always take his side and try to talk me out of/ or make me feel bad for leaving. One time they literally followed me to my car to try and stop me from going.

I have everything here. My pets, my furniture, my clothes, makeup, food, my whole life.

Whenever I try to break up with dp he gets hostile and nasty. He becomes horrible and blames me saying I'm ruining dcs lives. It makes breaking up unbearable and completely uncomfortable for me since he is so obvious infront of his family members. There is never any civil behaviour from him.

I want to leave and if I could just walk out the door myself I would. But I can't pack discreetly, take the pets and dc without everyone knowing and then it becomes a whole thing. Basically I'm trapped. And I don't want to feel dps wrath again. Breaking up is hard enough without him punishing me for it.

I need to do this right. So that I feel safe but also so I don't end up back with him again as I always seem to do. I don't even trust myself at this point. And I know it's because all my life is tied to his and the sacrifice breaking up would mean daunts me to think of. How do I get my ducks in row discreetly? I only work weekends as I do the ft childcare. Where can I go?

I was thinking to start off going to the gym. I know it sounds silly but I think building my self esteem back up will help me to remain strong from the inevitable difficulties I'm bound to face through this again.

Do you have somewhere to go, like your own parents ?

Do you have your own bank account, if not, get one.
Get your wage and child benefit paid into it.
‘Save up points from shops like Boots/Tesco/Sainsbury’s.

@DustyLee123 not really. I don't know where to go and the threat of homelessness keeps me here tbh

I think you'll need to plan the logistics first before any conversation as you're aware he is likely to become aggressive. Do you have anywhere to go/ the money to find somewhere to rent? I'd speak to womens aid in the first instance since there is abuse.

Finances are separate already and I do receive child benefits. But again I only work weekends so I don't earn enough to be housing me and dc

Contact women’s aid for advice,

Talk to Women's Aid. You might need to stay in a refuge for a while.

@Frogmila this is what I'm struggling with. If I had somewhere to go of my own that would take a big amount of pressure of the breakup from me.

It's dps favourite argument. That I will be taking dc into a hostel or make them homeless and then he refuses to allow me to do that. He always guilt trips me with how dc will suffer for it and already "has a home" so I shouldn't take them away from it

Regardless if I talk to womans aid, which I have done before, I cannot simply walk out and leave without being questioned or possibly stopped.

I have to get past dp and both his parents first.

I'm scared of things busting up.

Contact your Health Visistor for support. There is help out there.
‘You may have to put the pets in kennels while you sort out housing.

And if there is a ‘bust up’ you call the police.

Do you have parents you could stay with? Do you have a friend who come come and help you pack?

If he assaulted you then please make a police report.

The only things you need to take with you are your dc and enough clothes/medicine/paperwork for a week. Everything else you can go back for. If it will break your heart regarding pets time your leaving with a "vet" appointment.

In the meantime please contact women's aid who can support you. You can email if you don't get the privacy for a phonecall.

You must start to gather information from sources like Women’s Aid & your Health Visitor.
Start doing that this week.

Information is key.
information gives you power to see what’s possible.

If you can find someone to take you in, family, friends etc start moving stuff out bit by bit, secretly, over a period of time. No big suitcases. Just a bit at a time to keep you going during the initial break up time. You don’t need all the make up, you don’t need 50 pairs of pants, just enough stuff to get I through the first few days/week or so.
Good luck OP. You are probably not as trapped as you think you are. Just plan it carefully and quietly. One day you go out with the kids and don’t return to that household! Freeeedom!

Cross posted. then he refuses to allow me to do that. He can refuse to allow it all he wants but he cannot hold you prisoner. It sounds like its time for a refuge.

I'm sorry to say this but you need to downsize your options. Your main focus is leaving with the dc. Not clothing, not food, not furniture. If you think they will harm the animals then get them in a rescue centre.

I do understand what you are going through as I am trapped too. But I've gone from wanting half of mine, down to only wanting sentimental pieces, down to he can keep it all. I just want out. I'm the important bit, nothing else really matters. Also, go and see your GP they might be able to signpost you to therapy or other help. Mine did.

Ok . You need to go to the police. This man has 'assaulted you - again' and May prevent you from leaving. Which is another criminal offence called false imprisonment.

If you go to the front counter and report the assault you should be assigned a police officer who will listen to your situation and explain your options.

Is there a cultural issue to this ? ie you can't return to your parents house because they arranged your marriage ? If so then there are specific charities to help.

Many on here will suggest women's aid - but unfortunately due to their amazing and effective help - they are often overwhelmed.

Do you have a regular routine where you take your child and dog out for a walk .. ?

You don’t have a conversation. It’s too dangerous. He assaults you. His parents are okay with that. You’re essentially a prisoner there. If you say you’re leaving, you could end up dead. The advice with abusers is very much: just leave - never tell your abuser you’re going. It sounds like you will need to go to a refuge for a while.

Scale down your ambitions. You will need to leave a lot of stuff behind. But you could come back with the police and they will protect you while you collect some things.

So you need to focus on just getting out of the house with your DC, if possible with a small bag of essentials. Do you ever take your DC shopping or to walk the dog or similar? If you get your DC out, you can then go to the police with them and tell them what’s been going on.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

Some animal charities have foster care for your dpets if you find you are unable to house them when you leave. Ask at the vet surgery for help.

It was sexual abuse not physical. I really don't have anyone that can put me and dc up for permanent. With womans aid I need to stay close for my job and I know they will want to move me out of the area.

So do I just go and not come back? Dp will obviously text me, ring me, ask questions. What do I do then? I can't kidnap dc and take them away from their dad. He may call the police. Do I answer him and tell him I'm going but he can come and see dc