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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage is not fixable. I dont support husband?

21 replies

PearSnow · 24/07/2023 02:06

Sorry: LONG. We have been married for almost 15 years. When my husband met me I was in a bad situation. I was living in the country married with no proper papers and my husband did not care to help me to file for legal status. My current husband helped me to get divorce, helped me get papers, taught me how to drive, how to build credit history. I worked and tried my best to keep growing so he would be proud and now make twice as much. We had few miscarriages and after 11 years we welcomed our son. We did not have family so I felt alone. Baby was hard, our relationship started falling apart. I was in mum's mode and my husband felt I was not wife. We did not have intimacy for 3 years and then reconnected and I felt like we were making progress. A week ago we had a blow out and it turned out that he thinks he has done so much for me and I do nothing to support him. There is blame after blame about everything. I have full time job from home, take care of our son 24/7 (he does not go to school), I do all cooking and cleaning, dishes, I pay our rent, I plan all our trips, groceries, etc. I just physically and mentally cannot do more. He calls me stupid and that it was a mistake to marry me. On top he is watching some lingerie models on youtube and leaves them nice comments. I feel like I never can be good enough for him. My question is it me and I should try harder or does it look like he might be abusive to me?

OP posts:
Thinblueglass · 24/07/2023 03:14

Growing apart doesn’t necessarily mean there is emotional abuse. It’s not okay for him (or you) to speak disrespectfully about the other in front of your child. Tell him that each of you need to be respectful in front of your son. Then walk away from the name calling when your son is not there. You will be tied together by your son for a very long time, so behaving ethically ground will be much better in the long run.

AgentJohnson · 24/07/2023 11:55

Hmmm, it sounds like your ‘rescuer’ feels entitled. Everything your H did for you was his choice and he doesn’t get to weaponise his ‘kindness’ now that you have grown in confidence. Whatever is going on with him says more about him than it will ever do about you.

What can you do. Make it very clear that his name calling is not on and if life with you is soooooo difficult, he is of course free to leave. You need to ask yourself if you want your child growing up in an environment that will damage him emotionally. There is no excuse for your H’s behaviour and if he won’t address it then he needs to leave.

Original poster
PearSnow · 24/07/2023 14:25

This is so true. Thank you. He keeps telling me that I am not grateful and that for things like laundry and cooking he can get a maid and that I choose to do easy things and not address things like his professional development and looking for affordable house to buy. (We cannot really afford the house where we live).

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 24/07/2023 14:28

He calls me stupid and that it was a mistake to marry me

Then you need to do him the favour of divorcing him, for both of your sake.

Even if it was all your fault, it would simply mean incompatibility. It's not you, but either way, the right thing to do is leave.

Lolapusht · 24/07/2023 17:35

Why is his professional development your responsibility? Does he help you with your career development? Finding a house is surely a job for both of you?

Original poster
PearSnow · 24/07/2023 19:17

He says he helped me to get foundation so I could keep getting promoted and I am not doing anything. As for the house it is true I do not really look at any houses because we cannot really afford where he wants to live and it is a waste of time to me. He also has lots of "own business ideas" and I listen to them and do not have much input as I completely suck at anything like that but he says I could research and help and I am just focusing on stuff like my job and keeping up with the house and our child.

OP posts:
ignoringthechoc · 24/07/2023 19:40

Wow he sounds a prick. Well done for turning your life around and managing work and a household/ family, it would be easier on your own than being dragged down by this idiot.
Good luck you sound fantastic, show your son how even more amazing life is when Mum is happy 😁

Noicant · 24/07/2023 19:48

If he wants to start his own business I would expect him to research it not hand it over to you and expect you to do that too.

I think he’s not where he wants to be in life and it’s easier to blame you than to acknowledge that he has failed somewhere. He sounds a bit of a fantasist.

Noicant · 24/07/2023 19:49

Also he helped you for his own reasons too, you don’t owe him a lifetime for this help. You’ve given a lot already and you’ve improved yourself. A normal man would have been really proud of how far you’ve come (and also help around the house).

Watchkeys · 25/07/2023 12:15

he says I could research and help and I am just focusing on stuff like my job and keeping up with the house and our child

So ask him what he wants you to drop, in favour of doing his research job for him. Does he want to take over the housekeeping, for example, to give you time?

Original poster
PearSnow · 25/07/2023 21:17

He says I sit at home all day (remote full time job and caring for 4 year old while working does not count) so I should not be tired or overwhelmed to do everything

OP posts:
MrsSamR · 25/07/2023 21:25

Sorry am I missing something, why doesn't your child go to school?

Original poster
PearSnow · 26/07/2023 00:34

School is not mandatory till 5 where we live. There are no public daycares only expensive private ones.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/07/2023 01:22

PearSnow · 25/07/2023 21:17

He says I sit at home all day (remote full time job and caring for 4 year old while working does not count) so I should not be tired or overwhelmed to do everything

But he doesn't respect what you say, or attempt to understand your position.

Why is it that you stay with him?

Original poster
PearSnow · 26/07/2023 03:01

I dont have any family and my son loves his dad. He is a great dad and as I said I thought we were making progress but turns out that he was not happy and he is angry with me for not supporting him. I was just trying to understand if it is him and his failures and some kind of middle life crisis or it is really my fault that I was not putting enough effort in his needs. And no, he has not supported me professionally or with my chores for years now.

OP posts:
BritInAus · 26/07/2023 03:14

I wouldn't stay with someone who called me stupid.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 26/07/2023 12:42

Divorce him. It sounds like your were your husband’s project and now you are completed he doesn’t have anything left to do with you.

His previous help has been weaponised as a PP mentioned. Seems like the relationship has run its course.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/07/2023 13:39

It’s not you, it’s him. This is all about him and his failures.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships?. Your son may well love his dad (children anyway love their parents no matter how crap they actually are) but he seeing this from his father will teach him that it is normal to abuse women. You are in turn showing you son that currently this treatment of you is acceptable to you. He cannot afford to grow up in such a toxic environment.

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Why lie to yourself like that too?. Denial is a powerful force but this is happening to you right in front of you. He is neither a good dad nor a good husband is he?. Your relationship to this man is well and truly over. This is a man who thinks you owe him for “rescuing” you from the gutter. You do not owe him anything.

Original poster
PearSnow · 27/07/2023 04:42

Thank you! Your comment touched me the most. I started filling out divorce paperwork today!

OP posts:
BritInAus · 27/07/2023 05:05

Yesssssss thrilled to hear this! There are too many women who sadly have had their confidence crushed and lose courage to leave. So please to hear you're moving on xxx you can do this! It won't be easy but it will be so much better soon xx

Noicant · 27/07/2023 06:15

Good for you! Keep going OP!

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