Step son & his family visit

[ohflipflop]

Dh & I got together long after relationship ended with dss mum. As a young child he was possessive with his dad & a bit resentful I was around but with time I thought we had start of what would be an ok step parenting relationship.

toxic mil & fil, odd jealousy & wider toxic family unhappy my perceived taking dh away from them, felt I was cast wicked step mum, especially after arrival of our dds meant I pulled back & left dh as much as possible to it.. civil but not genuine or warm. He stopped visiting us mid teens but up to then fortnightly stays.

dss now married & 2 dcs.. still manages not to speak my dds now early 20’s who are great well adjusted & past trying.. monosyllabic with me..his wife is controlling manipulative & my dh has felt excluded access to his dgc controlled by her he feels

just had request to visit on their journey somewhere. do i smile & host for sake of helping dh or given snidey convo etc is it ok if I'm not around & leave him to it?

I’ve pulled back as much as possible from wider family after huge penny drop moment. realised it’s ok to stop trying. No open falling out & very superficial politeness.

Dh hugely supportive of my stuff. I’m torn between playing happy families for him or just making an excuse & staying away. I don’t especially want a relationship with his children & it’s never been encouraged by them. they’re 10 & 5 & never acknowledge me at all despite my efforts in past, gifts offers childcare etc

real appreciate any thoughts

Can you say - yes you are welcome but I'm away that week, and bugger off and have a bit of peace and quiet.

You shouldn't have to, but I would make myself scarce. You could have a much nicer time elsewhere.

Heart skipped with your replies.
Must be right. Thank you so much. Now to make a plan 🤔

I agree. Go do something else.

You reap what you sow and I don't think you are under any obligation to play happy families.

From what you've posted, you've made a great effort over the years with him and also his children which has never been reciprocated.

If they've had a change of heart them rather than just turning up "on the way to somewhere" (suggesting you're a handy pit stop and nothing more) they need to put out a proper olive branch. Frankly they just strike me as been pretty cheeky.

Ultimately if he's fine with ignoring his relationship with your DD's (his half siblings) then I think he's got no right to expect you to offer him a level of respect he can't offer himself.

You're a convenient 'hotel' or 'cafe' on the way to wherever they're going. Unless something has changed and they're looking to build bridges (get written into the will perhaps)?
I think that you've been painted so effectively as an evil step-mother for so many years that's not going to change, so why try etc.
I'd be saying that it's not possible for them to stay overnight, but you could meet them for coffee or a meal out. That way they will hopefully behave as it's in public and you've not refused to see them - but you don't have to do a lot of prep to facilitate it. They don't deserve to come to your home if you can't be sure they will behave. Your home is your safe space so keep it that way.

Personally it depends on your circumstances and if you have the means to be elsewhere.

I would be around to greet them and show a presence before disappearing somewhere else.

You then hit two issues, one you’ve made the effort to welcome them and two remind them this is your home they are staying in.

Then head to a friends for wine and a bitch.

Sorry but I think you're well out of order. You admit that the child felt left out and resentful and seem to compare him to you daughter (s) who are 'well adjusted'..... Well of course they are, they've had 2 parents that obviously love them.... He's grown up seeing that once a fortnight!

I would be jumping through hoops to try and repair the relationship, for all of your sakes.

Try seeing the situation through his eyes as a child.... I'm not saying it's a true reflection but just see how it may have felt. Imagine the same happening to your children if you and their dad had split.

Please don't think I believe you did any negative intentionally or maliciously, but to continue this bad feeling will only tie you in knots at a later point.

If you are doing all you can do, then the onus is on him on his behaviour and you can honestly say you tried your best. Avoiding the situation prolongs it

@baileys6904
The DSS is an adult with his own kids, maybe he needs to consider his poor attitude, would he like his kids treated like that if he divorced?
Ignoring his own sisters is pathetic.

@baileys6904

i totally see this pov too, that’s why i posted.
He’s 30’s now and as no sign of change. I’m influenced more by my DDs now their response also thought that I’m allowing situation to continue.
With hindsight we should have verbally addressed years ago but we always felt if consistent & hung on in there things would get better. I’d hoped his children arrival would help.
Without going into details ( or sounding paranoid😬) his mum, wife & my mil in cahoots.
I feel a bit done & no longer want to play along. But maybe as @Totaly suggests I could meet & great & then make excuses.

Welcome then with open arms. They aren't going to be there for very long. It'll mean a lot to your husband. It may pave the way fir better ongoing relationships