Page 2 | I have no friends. I’m so lonely

xLDx · 2023-07-23T21:50:17+00:00

That’s it really. I have nobody. The odd person will text me occasionally but I don’t have anyone I can talk to. I have a fiancé, but he spent the whole day today in a separate room and then walked out when I called him out for it. I used to spend a lot of time with my sister but she won’t talk to me now because I could no longer look after her children daily, so she says I made her lose her job. I’ve sat here all day today, not speaking or interacting with anyone and I wonder if I’m the problem. I sometimes feel like I can barely hold a conversation anymore or people just don’t see me as someone they want to know. I literally feel invisible. I just want some real friends that I can make plans with and talk to but it seems like the hardest thing to get. I was writing a guest list for my wedding and it’s actually embarrassing not having anyone to add, apart from a few family members. I can’t really join clubs or classes because I have young children and no childcare.

PegasusReturns · 23/07/2023 23:54

It really is hard to make friends as an adult.

I’ve moved countries several times as an adult and so have practice.

A couple of key points:

Say “yes” to absolutely everything in the beginning. I have joined a netball team (never played in my adult life!); accompanied someone to an upholstery course (was not on my agenda!); learnt a foreign language (really didn’t have time!); joined a choir (worst singer in world) because someone else suggested it as an idea.

Put yourself out there. This is difficult to start with but very few people feel offended by an invite. Going for a hike, a glass of wine after work, to see the Barbie movie, starting a book club. People can only say no - and some will - but you have to develop a thick skin and keep at it.

if that sounds too much PTA or other volunteer role are both good options

Original poster

xLDx · 23/07/2023 23:55

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/07/2023 23:43

Whereabouts are you/how old are you? There might be mumsnetters nearby. Although I understand you might not want to say.

Friendship in adulthood is a bit of a lottery. The peanut app sounds a good plan. It takes time to build things up - a network of new acquaintances could be fruitful. Hang in there x

Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

xLDx · 23/07/2023 23:56

PegasusReturns · 23/07/2023 23:54

It really is hard to make friends as an adult.

I’ve moved countries several times as an adult and so have practice.

A couple of key points:

Say “yes” to absolutely everything in the beginning. I have joined a netball team (never played in my adult life!); accompanied someone to an upholstery course (was not on my agenda!); learnt a foreign language (really didn’t have time!); joined a choir (worst singer in world) because someone else suggested it as an idea.

Put yourself out there. This is difficult to start with but very few people feel offended by an invite. Going for a hike, a glass of wine after work, to see the Barbie movie, starting a book club. People can only say no - and some will - but you have to develop a thick skin and keep at it.

if that sounds too much PTA or other volunteer role are both good options

Thank you! I wish I had your confidence but I will definitely try and hope things improve

OP posts:

Original poster

xLDx · 23/07/2023 23:59

babygirl88 · 23/07/2023 23:47

I really hear and feel you. Ive had alot of losses over the last 2 years, people i thought id always be close to and its literally dwindled down to 1 good friend. My partner also cheated on friday so im now completely alone in a house aswell. I have no advice unfortunately but you are not alone and can message me if you need a chat x

I’m so, so sorry to hear about the situation you are in. How are you coping? I hope you are ok and have some support. I’m sure your friend is never too busy to help. Thank you for your message and you can also message me too if you need a chat. x

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 24/07/2023 00:05

Thank you! I wish I had your confidence but I will definitely try and hope things improve

honestly there were times over the years where I cringed sending a text or turning up to meet someone I barely new, put you have to do it. After the second move, I treated it like a job: today I’ll text 3 people/invite a colleague for a drink/take an afternoon off work so I can do school run and chat to parents and schedule a play date.

it takes persistence but I can say I now have several really great groups of friends: some close enough for holidays; some for occasional coffees, or a walk.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/07/2023 00:08

You should
Be able to get out for an evening a week and dp can watch the kids? Would he support this?

Original poster

xLDx · 24/07/2023 00:08

That sounds great! I hope I can push myself and eventually have what you have. I’d love to feel genuinely happy and I think having a good support system will help me feel that. Thank you

OP posts:

Bunny1987 · 24/07/2023 00:08

Bless yoy OP, you sound lovely!

I have an elderly friend who has never been married or has kids and used Meet-up to try and meet new people and make new friends.

Im not sure how it works but I think there is quite a lot of both paid and free activities
In my friends case he joined a Bridge club and made lots of new friends.

Good luck OP!

Original poster

xLDx · 24/07/2023 00:10

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/07/2023 00:08

You should
Be able to get out for an evening a week and dp can watch the kids? Would he support this?

Possibly. His not always comfortable with things like that but he is trying to be better so he may agree

OP posts:

Original poster

xLDx · 24/07/2023 00:12

Bunny1987 · 24/07/2023 00:08

Bless yoy OP, you sound lovely!

I have an elderly friend who has never been married or has kids and used Meet-up to try and meet new people and make new friends.

Im not sure how it works but I think there is quite a lot of both paid and free activities
In my friends case he joined a Bridge club and made lots of new friends.

Good luck OP!

Thank you so much. I’ll look at meet up too. Thank you for responding x

OP posts:

babygirl88 · 24/07/2023 00:12

@xLDx not coping lol it was really out the blue. But honestly, drop a message anytime, I know loneliness very well being an introvert and shy so even if i was bombarded with company, id always have time for anyone who's feeling it x

Original poster

xLDx · 24/07/2023 00:15

@babygirl88 I honestly know how you feel. I’ve been cheated on by two former relationships and even the one I’m in now but we worked through it. Thank you for being so kind x

OP posts:

Bunny1987 · 24/07/2023 00:16

@xLDx I hope it all works out for you, bless you!
X

SlideandPolka · 24/07/2023 00:20

PegasusReturns · 24/07/2023 00:05

Thank you! I wish I had your confidence but I will definitely try and hope things improve

honestly there were times over the years where I cringed sending a text or turning up to meet someone I barely new, put you have to do it. After the second move, I treated it like a job: today I’ll text 3 people/invite a colleague for a drink/take an afternoon off work so I can do school run and chat to parents and schedule a play date.

it takes persistence but I can say I now have several really great groups of friends: some close enough for holidays; some for occasional coffees, or a walk.

Exactly. You treat it as a work project. You wouldn’t vaguely hope a project got done, you’d be proactive and see it through.

Admittedly, moving a lot means you get practice.

Tzimi · 24/09/2023 14:20

@xLDx Hi, I'm really sorry to hear that you find yourself in this position. Has it always been like this, or is it a new thing? I ask because I find myself in a similar position since I moved house about 2 years ago- I used to have several good friends when I was down in Cambridge, but since I have moved to East Yorkshire, I've found it very difficult to make new friends. I do chat to some neighbours & some people at the gym I go to, but no-one I would call a real friend. I have recently joined a befriending group, and will be going to a coffee morning tomorrow morning- let's see if something comes of that. Have you got a similay befriending group where you are?

Tzimi · 24/09/2023 15:09

babygirl88 · 23/07/2023 23:47

I really hear and feel you. Ive had alot of losses over the last 2 years, people i thought id always be close to and its literally dwindled down to 1 good friend. My partner also cheated on friday so im now completely alone in a house aswell. I have no advice unfortunately but you are not alone and can message me if you need a chat x

I really empathise, as I have also lost two dear friends recently, and they were much too young to die. How on earth does one deal with this, especially as these friends were one in a million-type people?

Tzimi · 24/09/2023 15:19

PegasusReturns · 23/07/2023 23:54

It really is hard to make friends as an adult.

I’ve moved countries several times as an adult and so have practice.

A couple of key points:

Say “yes” to absolutely everything in the beginning. I have joined a netball team (never played in my adult life!); accompanied someone to an upholstery course (was not on my agenda!); learnt a foreign language (really didn’t have time!); joined a choir (worst singer in world) because someone else suggested it as an idea.

Put yourself out there. This is difficult to start with but very few people feel offended by an invite. Going for a hike, a glass of wine after work, to see the Barbie movie, starting a book club. People can only say no - and some will - but you have to develop a thick skin and keep at it.

if that sounds too much PTA or other volunteer role are both good options

That's interesting, how did you cope with leaving your friends & familiar places behind each time you moved country? Did you move for work? I'm asking because I was thinking of emigrating to Greece until recently (got my EU citizenship), but everytime I got close to actually moving, it filled me with such fear & anxiety that I pulled the plug! Then about 2 years ago, I moved up North to East Yorkshire to save money after I lost my job in Cambridge, but this has been a terrible move for me, and I havn't made any friends up here at all! I bitterly regret moving, and I'm currently seeing how I can move back to Cambridge... So since even moving within the UK has proved so traumatic, I hate to think how I would have coped with moving to another country! But well done to you for doing this successfuly more than once!

anotherdisaster · 26/09/2023 12:46

I can also feel this post too. I do have friends but my oldest friends are back in my old town and I moved from there a long time ago. The only friends I have here are those I've met through work and most of them have families so i rarely see them outside of work. My best friend appears to have ghosted me too out of nowhere which is giving me horrendous anxiety. I have kids and actually find the weekends I don't have them very difficult now as I usually spend it alone.