Nobody gives a shit, do they?

[BlastedPimples]

My stbxh was violent, abusive to me and the dcs. Much less so to the dcs but scary. Has been for years. We were nervous around him. Never sure when he was going to kick off.

It really wears you down. Breaks you actually until you believe there are no other options in life. Until he assaults you and the police come and the wheels of justice start rolling.

He was also adulterous. Lied through his teeth about it until I presented him with irrefutable proof. Constant dishonest. Constant lying.

Family and some friends just don't care. Excusing him because he says he has had a nervous breakdown even though he's behaved like this for years.

I just don't get. I don't get how he gets let off like this. If a friend or a relative of mine behaved this way, I would cut them dead.

Why do other people not care? Why do they accept abuse as ok? They can't not believe us because they have seen and heard the recordings, they know he's being prosecuted for assault.

My dcs and me - it's just us bar one relative on stbexh's side who has shown great love and concern for us.

I just find it amazing, isolating and upsetting. Mostly because I am worried about future contact with him and the dcs. Let's say they want to see him and he kicks off. Nobody else is going to step in if I'm not there.

Gosh that sounds really tough OP. People do get very blinkered sometimes - especially with family. The only thing I can say is try to build your own support network away from them and perhaps talk to agencies like Women's Aid to try give yourself options.

I get it @BlastedPimples (i think you’ve posted on previous threads I’ve been on.)

I’ve wondered this about my ex too. Even now people know about his treatment of me - the abuse, the violence etc - it doesn’t seem to be affecting him socially. His friends are nice people so I can only think (a) they just can’t compute how bad he could be- he worked very hard to keep that side of himself secret and only me and the kids saw it, so I think people can’t really fathom how awful it was, plus (b) I am a very strong person and became adept at putting on Oscar-worthy performances of everything being totally fine so most people took that at face value and now don’t really believe my 180 and are giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I’m conflicted myself as I don’t want him to be ostracised - he still has access/shared childcare of our kids so he needs good influences around him. My close friends fucking loathe him though 😂

Ironically/annoyingly my mum has been the biggest apologist for his behaviour and was even rooting for us to get back together after I told her everything. WTF. And then has the cheek to say why didn’t you tell us/why did you stay 🤯🤪

Also - yes the nervous breakdown thing. Ex had a full on meltdown when I finally ended it - completely unhinged flip out. Well he claims to been mid breakdown when he drained our joint savings annd put them all in his private account, but was sane enough to go to a Board meeting for 12 hours the next day. Errr that’s not how mental breakdowns work!

Everyone was soooooo worried about him and I was sooo mean for not immediately telling him all was forgiven.

Love to know when I get to have my breakdown after years of weathering his rage attacks and holding it together for the kids?! Spare me

When I called my mum for help when my ex attacked me, she actually said 'but you have such nice holidays, you can't just throw that away, can't you make it work?' 🤯

He's still got all his friends, he told his work colleagues I attacked

Posted too soon!

He told everyone I was the one who attacked him. Dread to think what bullshit he told his family

I had no one as my mum wasn't supportive at all and I don't have any friends.

Yeah it baffled me . Lots of our mutual friends had seen ex's tantrums yet some still sided with him . It never made sense, I lost all respect for them. They, like his family, had seen some of what he was capable of but it was like they just cut that bit out of their thoughts

I think people are conflict averse and if they haven’t seen it with their own eyes they can’t really believe it. I couldn’t really believe it myself when things were going well between it so I sort of get it.

I am pretty sure everyone I’ve told about it believes me and ex H admitted it himself to his friends (in a rare moment of accountability, and only because in those early days post split he thought it would make me reconsider).

I am most worried about his access to kids. It seems his history of violence/DV (which I have evidence of) has no bearing on 50:50 acres to kids if that’s what he insists on which is just so fucked. I’m not trying to prevent him having access but I was shocked to learn the Court basically wouldn’t care (I’m not in the UK so maybe it’s different there). Generally his rage has been targeted at me not the kids but I am very worried this will change as they grow up to be stroppy teens. My lawyers advised me to keep it very flexi and relaxed with him to try to get as much care as possible which means he basically picks and chooses when he is available and I fit in.

@Endoftheroad12345 so he's been abusive but is allowed access or custody of the dcs.

I don't get it. Why are abusers allowed access? It's appalling.

My dcs refuse to see my stbxh. The youngest is 10 and they all say they don't like him, don't trust him and they just won't go. Good because he's roughed them up a bit too.

Stbxh is very surprised by the dcs strong stance on this. Says he can't understand why they don't want to see him, do I know why and we should all be showing compassion, understanding and looking to the future in a positive way.

I suppose looking to the past makes him look like a monster. He has behaved like a monster.

Ex H was mainly abusive towards me but yes has been rough with the kids (grabbed DS’s arm to the point he left a bruise when DS tried to intervene in one of his rages - DS was 7 💔) and of course they witnessed his rages which is abuse in and of itself.

To be honest I think me leaving him at the age they are (5 & 8) is probably the best thing for his future relationship with them. If I had stayed and they had continued to witness it they would had grown to hate him.

what I have learnt over the last year is that (a) no one’s opinion matters - no one knows what me & the kids have experienced except us (b) it’s the future that counts. So many different decisions that could have been made but if I’d made different decisions I wouldn’t have my kids. Thank God you’re out.

I agree, my ex was abusive but much more low key so I didn't really see it as such when I was in the relationship. When I exited the relationship I did not tell people about it, he wore me down by low level insults over years and my self esteem was through the floor.

I am about 2.5 years post split, and my ex actively reaches out to my family members occasionally. I finally felt strong enough to tell my family that he was abusive, and I asked if they consider any communication come via myself.

OMG the abuse I copped from one of my siblings, you can't expect me to cut people off just because you split up...blah blah blah. You would think I was asking her to cut off a good friend, they actually communicate rarely but it is still triggering for me when it happens. I came on here and asked an AIBU and roughly 50% of people thought I was. Other 50% were of the opinion any abusive ex should be cut out of the extended family as they have no reason to be there.

I was treated like I was being manipulative and stirring the pot by telling people, they did not want to know about it, especially because of the time it took me to tell them.

I think the expression "his truth, her truth and the truth being somewhere in the middle" gives people a chance to step back and say "nothing to do with me, everyone contributes to the relationship breakdown in some way" and it is really unhelpful in cases where there is abuse because it allows for victim blaming.

So, really sorry to hear what you are going through OP, I understand and it is so hurtful, especially when you think people should have your back. It is shit, on top of what has already been a really shit situation you are trying to heal and recover from.

My stbxh made a WhatsApp group with all my siblings and father in it. Not me. This was after he had assaulted me. He then proceeded to accuse me of rape and said the police were on standby - his standby! - to arrest me should I ever return to the UK. And other such bullshit.

My family were silent on the group and just read the ravings of a madman. And forwarded the messages onto me.

What he's done to us is to inflict carnage, misery, great distress and fear.

And we are to show compassion to him. Fuck that. Nobody has shown compassion to me or my children for what they've endured.

It's heartbreaking OP.
The same happened with my DP's Ex, after a decade of violence, still has all friends and family.... This is despite the kids also having MH problems, which I think aren't unrelated to having heard it going on in the house since they were babies.
Disgustingly DP's mum even said "I don't want to take sides"

I was very lucky my eldest DSis got it. It's just so far from comfortable that people can't grasp it. The brains literally shy away from it.

My now DH can't bare to contemplate some of the shit people do. It's unbelievable to him because he'd never do it. It's frustrating!

I am a very strong person and became adept at putting on Oscar-worthy performances of everything being totally fine so most people took that at face value and now don’t really believe my 180 and are giving him the benefit of the doubt.

This is a big part of the issue.

A friend of mine was in an abusive relationship to the point she lied about the black eyes the broken fingers the poverty etc

When she left him (took several attempts) the police became involved and nobody would stand up in court for her. They didn’t want to know.

They branded her a liar because she covered for him for years.

She could’ve left earlier.

She could’ve sort help.

The main issue is people don’t understand the over powering feelings in these relationships and how difficult they are to untangle.

She’s been free for two years now and is so much happier and can see him for all his lies. No longer speaks to her parents because marriage is for life. No longer sees friends who weren’t there for her.

When things like this happen you find out who your friends are - I suggest you listen.

Why does nobody say, “What the fuck have you done? What the fuck have you done to your family?"

Why doesn’t he wake up every morning and think, “What the fuck have I done?”

“Where are my children?”

“Where is my family life?”

“How on earth did I come to this?”

I just cannot for the life of me understand how someone can cause so many problems, so much drama, so much distress and not be in bits about it.

Just go off with affair partner. Blame everyone else.

@Totaly what a horrible story for your friend. I am so so glad she's safe now. Shame on her parents. Absolute shame on them. They would rather see her beaten and stay married.

The main feelings in these relationships is fear.