Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Many incidents like this…

22 replies

Alice679 · 23/07/2023 20:52

I am starting to come to the realisation that DH is at the very least not being nice but most likely abusing me and DC. Not in the bang your head against the wall way but in a more insidious and soul destroying manner. So many incidents to choose from but today really cemented it:
driving to Beach to meet extended family. Lovely day - I was driving - husband and two DC in car - three and one. I have struggled a bit with my mood since birth of Dc2 but have been seeing a therapist and getting there. Day to day, I am fine. DH was in a mood before we left, no idea why but in the car I was trying to chat/ break the ice and about halfway through the journey, he hasn’t spoken until this point, says why can’t you just be happy. Now I wasn’t aware I was being unhappy at that point, it was just hard to break the ice with him. He was ranting about traffic and being generally mean. I was confused by the comment. I said I’m not sure what you mean and didn’t want to argue in front of children. He just get going on why don’t you laugh, go on and almost goading me. I then said okay well make me laugh and he flipped. Got out of the car, we were quite near the beach by this point, got the three year old out and just marched on down to my family on the beach. Meaning I had to tag behind feeling really out of sorts. In front of family, he is all charm but will subtly show me he is still cross.
The above is just an example. Once we were going for a buggy walk. I cannot even remember the route we took or why but he literally for an hour and a half berated me on the walk, that this wasn’t the way he wanted to go, how I always have to have things my way, how I’m this and that yet all I kept saying was we could have gone the other way. I just went silent in the end.
He will also make me and the children feel inadequate and like we have to make him happy or everything is v difficult.
He will for example book a spa break - but that morning complain that I haven’t made his breakfast correctly, how expensive the day is going to be and then when we get there he will hardly speak to me. Yet to the outside he looks like a great husband.
We've been married for 10 years and it’s really since our DC have come along that this behaviour has been off the scale. I suppose beforehand I was able to handle it better as I only had myself to think about. 😔

OP posts:
Iwaskitty · 23/07/2023 20:55

This is probably going to get worse, I am afraid. My stbxh was exactly the same, and I just put up with it and kept going for 20 years before I broke.

My therapist recommended a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship, which explains it very clearly. Or just look up narcissistic abuse on YouTube. There is a pattern to this. Ask your counsellor.

pictoosh · 23/07/2023 20:55

Yes it's emotional abuse. I bet he often ruins days out, special occasions, holidays.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 23/07/2023 20:58

He sounds envious and resentful of the dc and almost blaming you for having them.. Betcha your mh improves if you ltb. Start being honest with your friends and family about him so you can gather support irl.

EdithStourton · 23/07/2023 20:58

'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft clarified for me exactly how this sort of shit goes down.

Once you have DC, it's that much harder to up and leave. He knows that.

EdithStourton · 23/07/2023 20:59

Also, OP💐because that dynamic is horrible to live with. I grew up with it, and it took me years to understand.

BlastedPimples · 23/07/2023 21:00

Wow. This is awful. And familiar.

Can you envisage a life without him? He's not a good man.

toochesterdraws · 23/07/2023 21:18

My ex used to do this sort of thing. We'd be halfway to a party or something, and he'd deliberately say something really nasty to me in order to ruin my evening. When we got there, he'd be the absolute life and soul of the party, laughing and joking with everyone else, while I was desperately trying to hide how upset I was. He'd then sidle up to me with a big smile on his face and whisper things like 'cheer up you miserable ugly bitch' in my ear.

Alice679 · 23/07/2023 21:24

All too familiar with the above, sadly.
Charming to outside but at home, really quite awful.
He frequently comments on mine and the children’s appearances -we’re not wearing the right things, our hairs aren’t right. It’s got to the point I’m pretty silent now and the irony is I was the confident one when we met.

OP posts:
buonnatale · 23/07/2023 21:29

@Alice679 you and your children don't deserve this, please remember that.

PeachF · 23/07/2023 21:45

He's emotionally abusing you and from experience, it will never ever get better, only worse.

NoWayNarc · 23/07/2023 21:47

OP you’re not going to want to hear this but echoing pp this will not get better, it gets worse.

Abusers abuse on purpose, they know exactly what they’re doing, as explained in “why does he do that?”. It might take some more time for you to really make up your mind, it’s also likely you’re caught in a cycle of abuse - ever find you go through periods of calm where perhaps apologies and promises are made? Things have been worked out, you feel elated, a little lighter, the mood is lifted, you feel like you’ve really hashed it out and all will be well? Then gradually that dark cloud builds and you have no idea tf is up with them? And then something completely trivial or benign sets off a massive argument? The things that are said descend into topics that have absolutely no relevance, and insults are vicious and vile. Are you ever left feeling exhausted or confused? Do they make word salads (switching topics so quickly and directing a barrage of criticism, insults or questions at you designed to deflect from your well made points or line of questioning to them) also includes going off topic so you forget what the original conflict was about.

All this and more. Mine started with bad moods and silent treatment (which I blamed myself for - why couldn’t I just be better? Why do I keep putting my foot in it?), after having children it got worse, the name calling, the criticism and other things too.

You probably won’t believe it right away, we all need to figure it out for ourselves as we like to hope something can be salvaged, you like to hope they can see you and hear you and change, be reasoned with. You think they see you like you see them - you see what you like about them as a whole person and accept their mistakes and flaws. They don’t see you as a whole person, you are more like a thing - you are useful, for practical things and for supply. These people have an inability to emotionally regulate themselves properly - you serve as a filter for that, they can’t process guilt or shame, so they must make you feel shame for them, which is why they will criticise and shame you. They don’t love like you do, they aren’t capable of it. All this abuse is also typically interspersed with displays of gift giving and affection, perhaps kindness and them acting like their old selves you knew before, particularly when you call them out on it in a way that might make them think you’re considering leaving the relationship, they will also need to replenish your emotional stores so they can drain you again at a later time, like an emotional vampire.

I feel like you are already sick of being an emotional punch bag. There is no point in trying to figure out or reason with their arguments and behaviour because it isn’t reasonable, it serves to antagonise and drain you emotionally, they thrive off any kind of positive or negative attention.

The only way is to leave, and grey rock, but you will figure this out for yourself.

Good luck.

Alice679 · 25/07/2023 13:22

He will often say, ‘Look at you, you’ve always got a face on and you thumping around the house.’ I am a small 5ft 3 so not sure how that works but I do feel almost monstrous in his eyes which is so ridiculous.
His mother is poorly treated by his father, think at at his beck and call, constantly take take take and as a result has had numerous breakdowns. Yet my husband will say to me in the supermarket, if I’m not scanning things quickly or hesitating for example, you’re getting on like my mum. 🙄
Regarding the reprieve you speak of previous poster, yes, I did get those pre babies but since our children, this type of soul destroying behaviour is pretty constant. I’ve never told anyone because I feel they wouldn’t believe it as he is charming to others.
Sincere thanks for your supportive comments.

OP posts:
NoWayNarc · 25/07/2023 20:24

It’s shit OP, I’m not sure if you’re still sensitive to it or numb yet, it’s absolutely vile and draining though isn’t it, I’m sorry. I hope you can make plans to get away from him, he may well feel like he has you well trapped with the kids and finances that he feels no need to hold back on the disgusting word vomit out his mouth - it’s like a catharsis for them, there is a void in their soul that can’t be healed.

Stay safe Flowers

Cloverforever · 25/07/2023 20:35

Look up covert narcissism op. Sorry, but sounds like a classic example to me.

Alice679 · 25/07/2023 20:53

I’m most definitely at the numb stage now - I don’t even know myself anymore. God, how did it get here? I think he’s cheating or at least looking to cheat now too as constantly checking out other women, most of them much younger.
Ten years if you had said this would have been me, I would have laughed you out of the room. Honestly the behaviour is so insidious. My poor children. 😔

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 25/07/2023 20:56

Alice, he’s a contemptuous emotional abuser who is training your children to feel anxious and inadequate.

Get out now before you are diminished beyond recognition. This bully is going totally crush the children’s self-esteem and set them up for a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships.

Shoxfordian · 25/07/2023 20:57

You’ve taken the first steps by talking on here; call women’s aid for some support to leave him and you’ll be much happier

Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2023 21:03

Op, if you don't end this marriage, your children will go down one of two paths. The first, they will become you and live their lives in abusive relationship. The second is that they become exactly like their father, just like your husband has become his own father.

You have to get away from him and you don't have the luxury of waiting. Your husband is absolutely fucking horrible.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/07/2023 21:03

Alice

Your poor children and you indeed.

Abuse like described is truly insidious in onset and does creep up on people unawares. Pregnancy and birth though are two flashpoints for abusers to further show their abuse towards their chosen target, in this instance you. You were targeted by this individual deliberately.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Currently they are learning a shedload of damaging lessons that could well go into their adulthoods. We learn about relationships first and foremost for our parents, look at what yours taught you as well.

Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I hope you find it within yourself to leave your (and in turn your children’s) abuser sooner rather than later. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/07/2023 21:10

Alice

Abusers are often quite plausible to those in the outside world. It may well be that one or two of your own friends have their private based suspicions about your husband.

Abuse also thrives on secrecy so you have taken a small but significant brave step in writing about it on here. I would further urge you to contact a local firm of solicitors re separating from him (knowledge is also power ) and Women’s Aid. Use all resources here in getting away from your abuser safely and never be afraid to call the police either.

WalterWitty · 25/07/2023 21:46

Bless you OP, this reminds me of my ex. Just a horror to live with but somehow it was me who was controlling, moody, didn’t do anything, nightmare to be around, spent all our money apparently. Spoiler> it was all him! Although you know it is him, you still second guess yourself constantly.

He is like it with his new wife now whilst I’m remarried to the most wonderful man who isn’t a nasty prick to live with!!

billy1966 · 25/07/2023 22:01

MsDogLady · 25/07/2023 20:56

Alice, he’s a contemptuous emotional abuser who is training your children to feel anxious and inadequate.

Get out now before you are diminished beyond recognition. This bully is going totally crush the children’s self-esteem and set them up for a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships.

You poor poor woman.

I understand you are slow to speak to family but please do it for the children.

He is doing catastrophic damage to them and anxiety, depression, self harm, CPTSD is all they have to look forward to if you stay.

Men like him decimate those around them.

Please call Womens aid for advice.

Start recording him if you can.

Tell family and friends.

Ask for help.

What about work?

Can they help?

Starting to make a plan is the key to taking back control.

You can do it, for your children.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page