I feel I need to raise my concerns, but also fear its not my place!

[Disenchanted]

I really don't know what to do.

Can I start by saying I love my sister dearly. She is my best friend and she mwans the world to me.

But Im concerned about her and my nephew.

She lives at home with my parents and her boyyfriend too.

He doesnt work, he never gives her money - when she gets her income support she spends it on him, beer - takeaways ect in a bid to try and get him to stay in with her rather than go out drinking which he does constantly.

He treats her like shit. Never looks after his son.

He doesnt work, cant be arsed going on job seekers becaus ehe has to sign on!

My mum is at her wits end she cant say anything to him because he verbally takes it out on my sister then 'dumps her' for a few days. his mum is awful, nasty woman.

My sister is just blinded by love

i dont know why though.

She has confidence issues and thinks she cant do bettr.

But she is a beautiful, clever, respectful girl and he is a yob!

Really, he is just scummy, we were raised the opposit to him.

He smokes weed, spends all the money he does have on that.

My mums buys my nephews nappies and food.

And the last straw is when i found out that they coslept (nothing wrong with it , I do it) but he was HIGH on weed and got in the bed, he is 8 months old and has a pillow, and duvet on him.

He doesnt ahve fresh veg or fruit, he has fried nugget and chips for tea.

I love them so much but my sister is depressed over this idiot and is focusing on him rathewer than her son.

Im not angry at my sister im angry at him.

I cant say anything without him having a go at her/

he said last summer to my other BIL (who is lovely) that he 'wouldnt hesitate in hitting her'

we heard through an open window,

what can i do?

Apologies for typos, am rushing!

Oh and she found a txt mesage from a girl, telling him to come back she misses him and was having fun.

She asked who it was and he said his cousin.

she got the number and it was the local 'bike'

but shes still with him, she has no confidence to put her foot down.

He hurts her and she begs him back!

There's really not alot you can do...eventually the scales willliftfrom her eyes and she will recognise him for the waster he is...let's hope it doesn't take her 5 or 10 years...

By the way..whyhave you changed your name again?

Its been about 14 months, i could continue about what an arse he was during pregnancy and labour but I wont.

I hope she realises soon, but i know she wont

Perhaps getting her out and socialising with other people will help her see how 'real' fathers/partners act...?

Well she lives with my dad who works full time, she sees my DH interacting with our kids and working full time.

She knows hes not up to par but seems to ignore it!

At the moment she is needy and he seems better than nothing....does she get out/have a social life/night classes etc?

Nope, no social life.

We are very similar and dont likegoing out. She drinks in her home though.

Both our ideas of a fab night is on the sette, blanket, a good film and choccie rice krispie cakes!
lol

Could you perhaps both go out...somewhere she would meet other people, if only to boost her confidence a bit. Maybe you could both do a night class? That would maybe give her something else to focus on and she wouldn't feel so needy.

Think the parents need to check him out of their house...if she follows, well she'll probably come to her senses a bit quicker. Seems harsh but if he's contributing nothing to the household and isn't treating their daughter well- they're suckers for allowing him to stay.
What's your parent's take on it all?

chuck- not check

I am thinking when he goes out, change the locks. You can't wait until she comes to his senses when there is a child involved, especially one so young and as for sleeping together when he was under the influence.

I think it is your dads duty to throw the creep out. He could report him for having drugs on him, I'm sure the local family liason officer or whatever would be able to advise you.

OMG - I missed half your original post!!! Don't know how..but I didn't read about the cosleeping and him saying he'd hit her.
What the hell did your BIL say to that? I ope it was 'try it and you'll regret it' or something less polite!?

Yes I do think your parents should be setting rules for what goes on under their roof...

It's up to your parents to kick the creep out. I wonder what your sister sees in him - he has said he wants to hit her, he spends all of his dole money on weed and beer, he's too lazy to get a job . He sounds a catch .

Sounds like a horrible situation, so many women end up with a man that's not good for them but are totally blind to it when everyone else can see just what a toe-rag he is. I'm not sure that ratting him to the police re drugs will do anything (they wouldn't be bothered over a couple of spliffs, he'd have to be growing a forest of the stuff before they'd take him away for good), other than enrage him and then he probably will hit her.

Your parents might explain to them that the house is getting too crowded, and write a letter to the council saying that they are evicting them - which might help them to get a place of their own if they are on the council housing list. Your parents are probably worried things will be worse for your sister and nephew if they live away from your mum and dad, however.

don't chuck her out- just him...if she follows (with him having no income, that's unlikely) then she's an adult who has to take responsibility for bad decisions. Treating her like a child won't help. All you can do is be there for her.

Hi disenchanted,

Re your comments:-

"My sister is just blinded by love

I dont know why though.

She has confidence issues and thinks she cant do better".

You actually answered your own question. That is exactly why she has fallen for a creep like this man. Those issues are likely deeply rooted as well as being long standing. She honestly does not think she deserves better than this man and thus will put up with any harsh treatment he metes out. Not really surprised either to see that his Mother is awful, like Mother like son.

I note your Mum is at her wits end but what about Dad?. You do not mention him.

Your parents should just throw him out, not her too. However, if she chooses to follow him that is her choice ultimately. One day hopefully the scales will fall from her eyes.
Your sister is caught up in an abusive/enabler situation with her and your Mum each acting as enablers.

Would suggest you give her a copy of "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

She needs to get out, to do other stuff. Why not say to her that you want to sign up for an evening class in ... is there something she is interested in or might be good at? - but you need her to come with you for confidence, you don't want to go alone and you need her? Make it seem like she is helping you out. Then both of you go along. Good way to make friends.

He sounds horrible. Though when you say High on weed what do you mean?
If he has no money and she is only surviving on benefits I wouldn't assume he is buying so much that he is either dependent on in or high all the time...

Is your concern based more on his recreational drug use or the fact that he is horrible or do you think the two are interlinked? ie would he be a nicer more caring and motivated person without the weed?