Feel depressed and exhausted every time I visit parents

[LadyoftheLavaLamp]

They live about 3-4 hours away, I try to stay every couple of months as they want to see more of DC. DC love going. They love DC and DM does try to help a bit when there. They love us very much and mean well. They also visit us.

Its weird because I look forward to going, then I go and don’t really enjoy it.

Their house is way too small to accommodate us properly and I end up sleeping badly and stressed out.

DF appears to not really want us there and just continues with his normal, slightly anal routines and largely ignores us. DM is quite intense and gets IMO too involved in e.g. disciplining when I’m standing right there and often don’t even think it’s an ‘offence’ worthy of raising. Also, the helping…It’s not actually what I find very helpful and often adds to the stress but I suppose that’s on me for not saying anything about it.

DC are very small and the journey can be a nightmare also.

DM was (is) unable to control her emotions and verbally abusive to me as a child - and this weekend was very snappy with my 4 year and said she was going to throw all their toys in the bin in quite a nasty tone. I set off quite promptly this morning as I was done with it. I haven’t even thought about how to deal with that yet.

Now have a huge pile of stuff to do for tomorrow and I’m knackered and fed up.

Any ideas to make it better?? There are no suitable hotels/air bnb nearby, I’ve looked extensively.

I’d really cut down the number of times you go. Every couple of months seems quite often, maybe for them as well as you. And they visit you, so you see each other plenty to my way of thinking. I would really not be happy with what your DM said to your 4 year old. Much, much more absence might make her heart grow fonder. What age were you when your DM started to be verbally abusive to you? Was it the ages your children are now?

How old are your parents? Maybe they can’t really be doing with the disrupted home routine as less energy and more stuck in their ways, but like you, forget this in the looking forward to the visit and the reality is not so rosy.

I would no longer go and visit your parents. Why subject your kids as well as yourself to all that from your parents?. The truism here is that if your parents are abusive/toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your kids too. Do not let history repeat itself with your kids being further mistreated here by your abusive mother.

Your children need emotionally healthy role models and both your parents here come up well short. Better for them not to have such people in their lives frankly. Your dad does not want you there and your mother wants you around only to criticise you and critique your every move. Your parents let you down abjectly as a child and they still do so to this very day. Your mother was abusive towards you as a child and remains abusive so all bets are off re her anyway. You in turn probably revert to child mode and are afraid of them.

Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. The last straw here really should be your mother's threat to throw all your eldest child's toys in the bin. She will further repeat with your kids similar to what you were subjected to in childhood. Your dad has also failed to protect you from your mother's abuses of you so he cannot be relied upon either.

Its not your fault your parents are abusive and toxic and you did not make them that way either; their own families did that lot of damage to them. They had a choice when it came to you and they've basically repeated what was done to them. Toxic crap like this can and does go down the generations but it has stopped with you. You in turn need to protect your children now from such malign influences like your parents because your kids will certainly pick up on this ill treatment as they get older.

You are going to have to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your parents rather than the one you actually got. You also need to let go of any and all residual help that they will say sorry and or change; this is who they really are and they are not going to change. Do consider contacting NAPAC as they could help you also.

"They love us very much and mean well. They also visit us".

Your denial is a powerful force re your first sentence. Would you tolerate what they do from a friend?. No you would not.

You may well want to think that they love you very much and mean well but they really do not. If they truly did neither of them would treat your kids and you in the ways you are all treated. And the fact they visit you does not give them brownie points either; they just become further abusive and in your own home.

Lessen the visits.

Can you plan visits to meet elsewhere sometimes. I always think a weekend in say a hotel is less stressful, as you all have your own space and no one is ‘responsible’ so more of a joint effort.

@SydneyJKL really like this idea actually. Maybe could go somewhere with lots of activities (e.g. centre parks) so not in anyone’s space and lots of opportunity to opt in or out of things whilst the kids are amused and busy

I’m glad others think DM was out of order with my 4 year old, I was not if I was being overly sensitive

Lol. I stopped seeing my parents as frequently for the same reason. They're nasty. I don't owe them anything. You do you.

Very out of order, I would have felt the same. I'd keep meet ups to neutral places, meet half way for a few hours, I'd definitely not go there and stay again.

As PP says, your kids deserve good role models.

If it's not pleasant, then don't go. You have no obligation to go.

Thinking of people I know in real life - no one takes the DC to the grandparents 3-4 hours away every couple of months. It's too much.

Tips on making it easier:
Less visits - when they come to you its easier to take charge of the disabling and correct what she is saying
Meet in a different location as suggested above, but also consider a day trip - NT place or similar half way between the houses, with a picnic long day but no need for an over night stay
When you do visit them consider a day out or activities to get you all out of the house - people can often be on best behaviour when out and about and slip in to old behaviour at home, and more space

The last few times my daughters and my grandkids have been to visit their grandmother they have stayed in a hotel. They said it was less stressful and then they could take the kids out places as well as seeing their Grandma.

This reminds me of the tommy cooper joke - doctor, doctor! My arm hurts when I wave it above my head!
Well, stop doing that then!

Seriously, you feel depressed because there's stuff you've not dealt with. Knock off the visits, get some counselling, see what you can do to replace this feeling with something more empowered.

Don't let your mum treat your kids that way, is the bottom line.

@Cardiganwearer I don’t remember when it started, it was always a feature for as long as I can remember.

I definitely think my DF would prefer to reduce the frequency- but suspect he gets overruled by DM. Me and siblings have always been her focus and she’s never really had much else going on in life in terms of hobbies, interests, friends - that goes for both of them tbh. It seems that’s now been transferred to my DC.