Confused Brain Dump - Normal Middle Aged Feelings or More

[Octopus45]

Hope nobody minds, just need to have a brain dump as I'm driving myself mad. Will start at the beginning so as not to dripfeed.

DH and I have been together since 1997 (I'm 48, he's 55), Married in 2001. Lost all four parents now, my Mum and his Dad early on, his Mum a few years ago, my Dad last year.

We have two DS's, aged 16 and 13. Both healthy and happy (I am v grateful for that btw), but very strong willed. DH gets angry with them quite a lot (not violent or anything), understandably, yet he has the advantage over me of having shared interests, they are all massive football fans.

DH works shifts, has periods of hating and worry about his job, has recently stepped down from one part of it, was doing a lot more work for not much more money. I am self-employed, work almost full time (baring in mind weekend work and not much holiday) and only early about 21k a year. Had to do this when the kids came along cause of DH's shifts and no family support. Would have been logistically impossible otherwise, Has overall worked for us as a family and I'm quite lucky in that I quite like my job. Have tried to get into other things, have even done a couple of courses, but cannot afford to go backwards in salary, still need flexibility, (we have a dog), so have decided to up my original work. I prefer being out and about, don't like working from home cause I cannot get out of my own head, get wound up by the cleaning, tbh not a homebod. Also had horrible experiences working on offices which I've never fully got over.

DH and I haven't been able to have full sex for about 5 years, he had all the tests done last year (ED), has been prescribed viagra, have tried it a couple of times, no joy. I'm fairly confident its not cause of me, but whole thing makes me feel pretty crap tbh. Its become a big taboo between us at the moment, cannot talk about it without getting emotional/having a row. There is occasional intimacy between us but not very much, feel too young to never have full sex again but wouldn't cheat.

I also struggle with our lack of shared interests, he loves loud music concerts, sports etc, In an ideal world would love to live further our (we live in South London/Surrey), I would like to live further in. I never managed to pass my driving test, couldn't afford a car. I enjoy shopping, reading, theatre etc. Love going into London to do things, I'm from somewhere quite rural so have never got over the novelty. We do got out for drinks, meals now and again.

TBH, I just feel so sad and lonely and wonder if this is it. I know life isn't all loves young dream but I'm just so ground down by feeling as if I facilitate everything for everyone else in the family. I do go out with friends, v lucky I know to have such good friends. I don't know if I'm being a brat, but tbh I fantasise about being with someone with shared interests who makes a fuss of me (don't we all). Anytime I'm excited about anything, its never to do with spending time with my family. We are going abroad in a couple of weeks and I dont even know if we're all going to get on. I've never felt so desperate for a holiday.

The reality is I cannot make it on my own, I dont' earn enough, it would damage my kids, is it worth throwing everything way just for a the potential of a bit of sex and excitement. I'm embarrassed even typing this, feel so bad about my circumstances and hope to god it isn't outing. I don't know if its all mixed up with grief for my Dad (it was complicated, he took up with someone else after my Mum died who didn't want to know us, had no relationship with his grandkids), although we were close again the last couple of years and I was involved in caring for him. I don't know if I'm being unrealistic and need to grow up, don't know if its a time of life thing, menopause etc (already on HRT), dont know if I'm just a bit depressed, don't know if I should leave or make plans to leave despite it being so hard. Don't know if I'm expecting too much from life. Any thoughts welcome, expecting to be flamed.

That's so sad that you are expecting to be flamed, after what you've written.

Its become a big taboo between us at the moment, cannot talk about it without getting emotional/having a row.

Getting emotional is understandable but why does it end up in a row?

but very strong willed. DH gets angry with them quite a lot (not violent or anything), understandably, yet he has the advantage over me of having shared interests, they are all massive football fans.

This stands out. Do you feel left out? Why is he getting angry at them so often? Do they anger you at all? Or do you think your DH is reacting unreasonably?

is it worth throwing everything way just for a the potential of a bit of sex and excitement

For a bit of sex and excitement or is it really more love and understanding you'd like?

Thank you for your kind reply @Thisnameforthisthread , I appreciate it. Should say that I have a couple of friends who I do talk to about stuff, but I wouldn't dream of talking about this stuff to our mutual friends.

Re: getting emotional and rowing. I end up saying more than I intend to sometimes cause I get so angry and upset. DH accuses me of being nasty and I end up feeling really guilty. Also I don't have the emotional strength for confrontation at the moment, tbh I'm crying writing this. The sex problem started after my MIL died.

At home, I do have a reasonable relationship with my Sons. As a Mum I love them and I'm proud of them, as you would expect. My relationship with my youngest DS did suffer a lot last year, I was away a lot helping care for my Dad and he was very difficult. I wasn't as patient as I should have been. TBH I massively resent how parenting is today. DH does get angry with good reason, the boys act stupid when they are together and fight, typical teenage boy stuff. They can both be quite disrespectful, think they know best etc. He does however over react and I find him quite grumpy these days. That said I do feel quite left out sometimes, there's very little overlap of interest apart from the odd thing on Netflix. Luckily I've got my own friends/interests that I've never lost.

You're spot on, I think more love and understanding would make the other stuff easier to manage. Really not sure how to move forward at the moment. Hoping that the holiday and a bit of rest will make things easier, but don't want to invest too much hope.

DH accuses me of being nasty and I end up feeling really guilty.

Do you think he has reason to think you're being nasty or do you think he's just lashing out because he doesn't know how to fix it? Or for some other reason?

Am I getting the impression he's not much fun to live with in general just now? Has this all stemmed from his mother's death? How was he at the time?

Even if you don't want to talk to your friends about this stuff it's good keep seeing them and pursuing your own interests to get outside of your head for a while.

It sounds like you're really struggling though . I wonder if counselling for you initially, possibly both of you down the line, would be an idea. It should help you to put your thoughts into order and help you to see things more clearly.

Thanks very much, I do need to try and get my head together and have a serious think about what's going on. I have thought about going for a couple of counselling sessions when I get back from my holiday. Thanks again.

My DH did struggle after his Mum died, she was a single parent, his Dad was a bit of a nightmare (they divorced when DH was 14). He's an only child, although he has a half Sister from his Dad's previous relationship. They were very close, her death was sudden so it wasn't easy. Also she was the only Grandparent that my kids had, cause my Dad wasn't around.

Good luck to you @Octopus45 , I hope things work out in the best way possible for you

Thank you @Thisnameforthisthread , I'm thinking of sorting some counselling out when I get back from holiday.

Maybe a bit of couples counselling like Relate, you can have the counselling as a couple or solo or a mix.

I think you need to learn to talk to each other.

Also the ED issues and not getting on with viagra need to be addressed.

This time in our lives is one when we do start to assess our feelings, our future etc, and if changes need to be made it is better to get on with it.

Sounds as if your lack of sex life is getting you and DH down. I know he’s seen his GP, but I think DH should push for better treatment. The ED could be caused by an underlying health issue, which needs to be diagnosed and treated. Meanwhile, If viagra didn’t help, maybe something else would.

Also, counselling might help you both talk to each other without arguing. Then you could move on to having date nights. You both need to break the cycle (irritability - lack of affection - lack of sex - irritability etc) and regain loving intimacy.

And remember, with your sons you’re right in the thick of the Terrible Teens. With luck, they’ll grow out of it.

Best of luck, OP.