I really fucked up with my DD I need advice

[Ireallyfdup]

I’ve changed some details for anonymity here but the over riding thread is as it is.

My DD is 19. She is ND diagnosed with dyslexia and dyspraxia but likely ASD. She is super smart but emotionally and mood she is very up and down. It is her mood that I am really struggling to deal with. Something tiny will go off kilter and she will be in a mood for days or weeks or months (her exams which in fairness were not tiny had her completely spiralling for months this year) and then she will be looking to have a million chats about it and I am at the end of my tether with it. She is an absolute perfectionist so unless everything is perfect in every single minute she completely loses any perspective and things go to pot. I have been as patient as I can be but honestly it is draining the life out of me now. I can listen for hours trying to validate and hear her and give very careful advice because she cannot take any criticism at all, her ego is very sensitive. Very often she is being completely black and white and sees none of the grey in a situation and it is as much her thinking as any other issue that is her problem but it takes hours and multiple chats to get her to a more balanced perspective. Then she can be absolutely clear and fine and upbeat and great mood for chunks of time until the cycle starts again. There is simply no perspective that yes things go wrong but we deal with and move through the situation and then things get back on track without endless, endless support.

A minor row with her boyfriend has triggered the most recent issue. Her mood is gone to pot completely and honestly I’m really struggling. We just had a huge row with her about this behaviour and the effect it is having on me and her inability to have any perspective and again she told me she wants to die and her life is awful and she is an awful person and everything is terrible. This is the way it goes with her and usually we don’t row about it because I try to bout her up but honestly I am at the end of my tether with her. This stuff is all in her head most of it is simply not real.

I know that sounds terrible but I spend weeks buoying her up only to be told the same shit after some minor incidence and she has no perspective on and we are back to square one again.

She dramatically ran out of the house in her pjs and socks in the rain and I told her to go get dressed and leave the house for a while because I needed space from her.

I really need advice. I am ashamed of myself for not keeping my cool and I am concerned she is in such a bad place but I honestly do not know what to do anymore. It has been going on like this for 3 years now and although we rarely row I hate this.

When she is in a calm mood can you sit and talk to her about the fact that life will through all sorts of things at her, and you want her to start building some resilience.

There is a lot about teens and resilience online and in books so plenty of resources. Have a read of some, then suggest she does to, then meet again to plan what she can work on first with your support.

If you can afford it some counselling might be helpful for her.

You do need to be tougher, but do it in a structured way, with her consent if possible.

It also might be worth suggesting she see the GP if it’s really extreme

No advice aa such but just to say i empathise entirely with this as you could have been talking about my DD. I have at times wondered if she is bipolar or has ASD but I know that suggesting it would trigger a meltdown. Agree with PPs who said try to talk to her at a time when she is on an even keel about the impact on you and to suggest seeing GP/ therapy.

Thank you so much that is so helpful and I know it is true.

She needs an ASD diagnosis..
then she can know that’s what’s wrong and start to try to understand herself better

It is so difficult isn’t it? I’m so annoyed with myself too. I spend literally years building her up only to tear her down. Honestly I’m so ashamed of myself. I should have left myself for a while to get away.

We were away yesterday and I was just so tired and it all spun out of control asking her if she wanted to come to the Barbie movie to try to cheer her up. She was just so moody that I lost it completely.

Dont let her end up like me ,50 going for an adhd diagnosis and autism diagnosis after making a complete fuck up of my life …because I didn’t know what was making life so difficult for me .
a diagnosis is a signpost to help and support…not a lot ,but some

I think counselling would help her if you can arrange it?

Yes that is a good point. Both sides of our family have ASD and DD has a sibling with ASD. We treat her as someone with ASD and we speak about the difficulties she has in terms of ASD too. Herself she doesn’t want to pursue diagnosis because as far as she is concerned she has it.

ADHD coaching may help her. From someone who can see things her way but also be objective. There are lots of resources out there but I'd recommend the book "Understanding ADHD in women and girls" as a solid starting point. Its helped me a lot with my DD

she needs therapy. to ‘need perfection’ is completely unrealistic and no way to live a life. Go private if necessary.

You could be describing my dd. She has various letter diagnosis including asd, ocd, bpd, also dyspraxia... she has got easier to manage once she got to about 21 (had late puberty) but otherwise it's a case of hang in there, look after yourself. My local police tracked her down multiple times, mental health a&e unit kept her safe a few times until discharging to our care on Valium. Tried various drugs, she isn't very compliant and comes off them once home intervention stops. Things are ok currently, has nice boyfriend, I'm dreading them breaking up though (dp is great with her thankfully, he also has lots of lettered conditions!)

Yes I completely agree. DH has just come back and he is just gone off looking for her to try to have a conversation with her. We had already planned on organising therapy before her exams but it is now going right to the top of the list.

Sounds like she could have OCD so I would definitely get her to a therapist and/or ASD diagnosis. She would then be in a better position to look at treatment or at least management

@Savoretti can i ask about the OCD? I know nothing about it. I am missing something here. Is the perfectionism the OCD? My sons friend has it along with ASS but I genuinely don’t know much about it.

she cannot take any criticism at all, her ego is very sensitive.

The source of that is how she was raised. I don't believe it came on suddenly as soon as she was 19 and faced the real adult world.

Aww please don’t beat yourself up. You are only human. We all make mistakes. Xxx

No that definitely didn’t come on recently.

When she was younger I think she really struggled with knowing the right things to do in many situations and behaved in ways that other children particularly reacted too. When challenged she came across as really head strong and defiant, stubborn maybe. Only recently she has spoken of the impact of being pulled up on her mistakes in school/with friends and with us too and how difficult she found and that that the stubbornness was a front at the time and this has definitely impacted her self esteem.

Why I was saying it here in this context though is that conversations these days are very, very, very gently goes conversations and they take significant amounts of time and significant emotional energy to deliver. I have other children including another with ASD and they are definitely being impacted by this dynamic and I am too.

It sounds like she may need a mood stabilizer for at least depression. She really needs a diagnosis to help her meet her needs .
Best of luck.

my daughter suffers from OCD she with her it’s more the obsessional side. This manifests in perfection in all she does, so your post resonates with me in that sense

@Savoretti thanks for that. I will definitely look into that because the perfectionism is definitely a significant issue.

She has come home and we have spoken about some of the advice you have given me here. I am so relieved and so grateful to everyone who posted. Thank you so much.