Paranoid about cheating or right to be concerned

[MissisK]

DH obviously denies any cheating when asked. But examples over the years include finding condoms in his suitcase after a work trip when we didn’t use them, evidence of cam sites on our tablet (which he denied all knowledge of). I also found a phone number in his wallet. Again denied all knowledge of it but I found out it’s for a woman that lives locally.

Just seems too many coincidences but I like I’m going mad. Am I right to be suspicious?

Yes.

Hi @MissisK sorry you're going through this.
I think it is a bit suspicious, i'm so sorry xx

I had my suspicions years ago and stayed despite them because I never felt like I had proof. Feel like a complete fool 😞

@MissisK omg no hun, please don't think you're a fool at all.
I always try and see the good in everyone. I wouldn't make a big decision based on the things you found hun. I think you need to really get to the bottom of why those things happened. Has he given explanations? Xx

He's definitely cheated, or at least had intentions to cheat. Condoms don't magically appear in suitcases, phone numbers don't randomly appear in pockets, websites don't randomly appear on your tablet without your knowledge. Even if it was a spam pop-up, he would have seen it pop up.

Instead of explaining himself, he's outright denying things that are clearly there. He's gaslighting you.

Get out of that relationship because it will only get worse. You can do this!

You're not a fool at all, please don't put any blame on yourself for his actions. However, yes, these things are all highly suspicious and can't really be explained away, none of those happened without his knowledge.

If he acted strange, evasive, dismissive or angry rather than calm, concerned and reassuring when you brought these incidences up, you have your answer.

The fact that he is making u feel like an idiot is harder to me than the affair. How dare he make u feel like that becuase he has cheated.

As a rule we find out the very tip of the iceberg.

I have no doubt there is a lot more there to uncover. You are NOT wrong, these red flags are waving!

You say these are historic. Why are your spidey senses going now?

The condoms alone should be enough OP I’m sorry but all the evidence is there. Did he have any explanation at all on any of your finds?? I would have rung the number tbh and asked her why your husband has her number. Things like this don’t just appear. I can’t stand lies and deception. He is gaslighting you I’m sorry OP get your ducks in a row and decide if you want to stay or leave.

I fear you may be right. He’s been secretive and lied to me in the past but I never got to the reasons why. Just suspicions.

This has surfaced again because I re-found the number I’d written down when I found it originally. At the time google didn’t come up with anything. This time it came up with her local name and business. What’s also a flag is that she wrote what seems to be a pseudonym name on the note rather than her real name. Just too many things that don’t sit right.

So you found a number he had in his wallet previously and when you asked him the first time about the number he said I don’t know where it came from and he denied all knowledge of the number. So the number has reappeared, have you asked him this time OP? I don’t think I would tbh I would be gather any evidence taking photos and copying all financial documents and making plans to leave. He is lying and if he hasn’t physically cheated he is making plans too. He knows you have let it go in the past he thinks you will again. I’m not one for saying leave easily but you know he is lying and gaslighting you. Is this the life you want always being on edge looking for evidence when it is already there.

I’d written it down when I first found it and rediscovered the note I’d made of it when clearing out my cupboard. So it’s not reappeared in his wallet or phone but when googling this time, the number came up with a ladies name and her business in our local area. So it’s resurfaced all my doubts again.

Ahhh ok thank you for explaining so has your husband done or said something recently that is making you worry or it is just finding the number? Women and men usually give a fake name to hide something. An example of this would be online dating I know if 2 guys who gave a fake name online because they were both married.

You don’t need to find “evidence” to justify leaving a relationship that isn’t working, you can leave for any reason you like .. including lack of trust, or not having any peace of mind.

Thank you all. Been reflecting on this today and trying not to make rash decisions. Ironically, we’ve been going through a good patch lately. Though at the same time, I worry about the trust that’s been broken. I find it difficult to move past it. Not good long term I know.

It’s been just over a week since I found out the number in my DH’s wallet. I’m back because it’s really tearing me apart.

i haven’t mentioned it to my DH as I know he’ll just deny it. But I feel so angry at him. I can’t look at him or talk to him without feeling anger and resentment.

Not quite sure what I need. I know I need to talk to him but feeling it would be pointless as he’ll deny it and it will end in another argument.

Anyone been through this? How did you approach it? Especially if you knew it would just be denied. It’s driving me crazy!

You suppose the question you need to ask yourself is if you found out the number was for bad intentions then would you be able to move on from that and forgive him, or would it be a deal breaker?
Are you putting off finding out because you're clinging on to the relationship do you think?
If you don't find out it will ultimately eat you up inside and eventually make you unwell. So I think the best thing you can do is go out and find out why he got that number and if it's bad prepare yourself to face that.

‘Are you putting off finding out because you're clinging on to the relationship do you think?’

I think this is probably right. I can’t move past it and cheating isn’t something I’m willing to put up with. So that means the end of the relationship. But I have the doubt of what if I have got it wrong. Especially when he won’t admit it. So I just have to go on what I do know and what I’ve seen over the years. I’ve always had a hunch that he’s hiding something from me.

It’s easier to believe the lie than accept the truth - I know I’ve been there. It ate me up that much and I actually thought I was going crazy. I went full on detective and went through everything with a fine tooth comb and then it was like the Da Vinci Code and everything made sense.