Separation - house help

[nicannie]

I’ve recently decided I don’t want to be with my long term partner of 8 years. Long story short, I’ve been to counselling since February for anxiety and low self esteem and have realised that I am being controlled & there is no love left in the relationship. I hate the term mental abuse, but really it isn’t great at all. We have a daughter aged 3.

i have made the first step and told him I no longer want to be with him and that it isn’t working about 3 weeks ago, he is in complete denial.

my problems now start with the house, we are in a bought house with only my name on the mortgage. However I do accept it’s ‘our’ house as he pays half the bills and also put the deposit down which I have something signed to say is his. The house has went up in value by as a rough guess, 50-60k since we bought it due to the market and the improvements we have done.

he doesn’t want to leave, he reckons the house is more his than mine and said I can start up easier, no idea where he gets this from. He won’t agree to me buying him out, and is only offering me a small sum to leave which seems so unfair considering I’ll be primary carer for daughter and the amount in my eyes will not get me what I need.

is he in denial and being horrible to stay in control and keep me here so it’s easier if I just stay with him? do I start going through the proper channels to get this sorted even though it might make things slightly messy… I’m so hurt and I’m very confused.

sorry this is so long and well done to anyone who’s made it this far…

Get a solicitor on it.
Do you have any child benefit paid into your own account ?
Do not agree to anything, just keep on living your own life.
As the house is in your name only, I’d be interested to see if you can get him kicked out, which would be the best thing for your MH.
Stay strong, it will be over one day in the future.

@DustyLee123 thanks so much for your comment. I was on phone to a family / separation solicitor on Friday there, she said best option is get a buy out price from him for me, but when I opened up the conversation with him it just didn’t go the way I expected! It’s almost like if he can’t keep the house he wants it sold. Maybe it is a control thing.

I have a monthly amount of £80 or something paid into my account for child benefit.

it’s so hard as we are in same house and he won’t even agree to go to his mums for a few nights to give space, we are on each others toes it feels.

My MH is really poor right now, I can be fine in the morning the next minute I’m in tears at work thinking about the situation and feeling really stuck. A lot of people around me are worried they keep seeing as I’m not myself right now due to the situation. Thanks again

Yes, he’s being controlling as he knows he’s losing you.
‘Put it in the hands of a solicitor and let them deal with it.
‘And remember, if you’re ever scared of him, call 999.

That’s what my father also said, it’s so hard to see it sometimes. I try to normalise his behaviour and almost feel like I should keep staying and trying. He’s also in denial about being controlling which doesn’t help.

I’m just worried about the solicitor cost absolutely draining me dry too it’s all one big nightmare

....and TELL people... they already know you are upset, talk to them.. they will cut you slack and support you.. you will be amazed just how many people have walked in your shoes.
Stay strong for your child.
You can get through this.

The house is in your name so it's definitely not more his house. I'm struggling to see what his claim would be which is why you need to speak to a solicitor. If the deposit is his but he's not on the mortgage/deeds of house presumably the most he's entitled to is his deposit back if you have a legal agreement you'll return it to him. In most situations where the deposit of one party is ring fenced they joint own the house too though.

To be fair he hasn’t known long and will be in his own sense of confusion. You’ve been coming to this decision for a while I suspect. Did he know? I think it’s unreasonable to expect him to accept and move out in a matter of a few weeks. His life has also just been turned upside down.
I hope it all works out.

What’s the problem with selling the house? That might be best for both of you to move on. Get a solicitor’s advice of course.

Speak to a solicitor asap. He has no claim on the house at all if you're not married. You need to work on getting him out - him staying is absolutely a form of control.

I agree, just get the house sold.

Sometimes in separations and divorces it's too easy to get tied up with what is right and fair. There is rarely anything right or fair in divorce. Get the house sold and make a clean break from him.

He is still controlling you and is therefore still being abusive. Like practically all abusers as well he is refusing to leave.

Re your comment:
" However I do accept it’s ‘our’ house as he pays half the bills and also put the deposit down which I have something signed to say is his"

You may think it is our house but legally it is yours and yours alone. What have you got signed to state that the deposit is his and where is that document lodged, with a Solicitor when you purchased the property?.

I would consider putting the house on the market. Seek legal advice from another firm of Solicitors. I would also contact Womens Aid as they may be able to advise re obtaining occupation or non molestation orders. This man is also going to continue abusing you, and in turn his child, after you have separated from him. He is not going to make that process at all straight forward, again as a means of both control and as punishment to you for having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him.

Enrolling yourself on to the Freedom Programme will also help you in your recovery from this abuse as would reading "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

"I try to normalise his behaviour and almost feel like I should keep staying and trying. He’s also in denial about being controlling which doesn’t help".

Controlling behaviour is abusive, there is no trying to normalise this so stop in doing this. Of course he is going to be in denial about being controlling, none of these people actually admit to be controlling and therefore abusive. He probably blames you as well for his own poor actions and choices. He has never given a shit about you at all and further ramped up the power and control against you after your DD was born. Your DD must not continue to grow up around such a controlling man for a father.

Abuse also thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open now.

So when you say half the bills do you mean half the mortgage?

Who paid for the improvements?

If you want it to be fair do the actual calculations on the house separately.

Get the house valued, but a realistic selling price valuation not estate agents pipedream price.

Then work out roughly if you sold how much cash equity is left, minus the deposit, minus improvements, minus mortgage paid.

Be open transparent and fair.

When it comes down to it legally, it's your name on the mortgage. But he does have a deposit claim.

Then give him the calculations.

Personally if you could get a different place with your money I would go for a clean break from this house.

Is he clinging because he can't get a mortgage solo?

Wow so many responses, thanks everyone. I will try to reply to some of the main points below …

@Bonbon21 Ty for the kind words, I have opened up more recently and the support I’ve had has given me the confidence to even get this far

@UncleRadley your correct in all you say, legally that is all he is entitled too but so I really want to be that bad person who does that, not really. That’s why originally I wanted to buy him out with more than just the deposit amount that’s due

@Strictly1 we have on and off spoken about splitting up for roughly 1 year, then more seriously for 6 months. I have been coming to this decision for a while and he has definitely known as I’ve tried my best to be honest with that fact we aren’t working, thanks for the well wishes

@Easyontheeyes @Followwill you are both probably right, it’s that sense though that I’d rather one of us kept the house so DD has her ‘home’

@Inca22 I think my friends would agree with what you say, I’ll maybe contact solicitors on Monday again.

@AttilaTheMeerkat your correct in that the document was signed and lodged when house was purchased. I have spoken with womens aid previously, but almost felt like I was making things worse by doing this. It’s so hard to accept the situation for what it is. He does blame me for how he acts.

@frozendaisy half the mortgage yes and all bills ie electric/gas, sky, council tax. All the usual stuff. Improvements have primarily been paid by him, but maybe 70% of it has been paid half by me as well. I would do the clean break if I got what I felt would give me the opportunity to start again, however the amount he is offering me to leave feels probably half what I’d get if we were to sell up which leaves a sour taste as why should I move and start again struggling with a small amount whilst he remains in here? Sounds selfish I know. Yes, he is a sole trader and believes it’ll be easier for me to start again, which may be true, however I’ll definitely struggle still.

@AttilaTheMeerkatyour correct in that the document was signed and lodged when house was purchased. I have spoken with womens aid previously, but almost felt like I was making things worse by doing this.

Why?. You do not specify. Speaking to WA probably made this whole situation seem a lot more real to you.

Abusers always blame their target for how they act; its never their fault but always someone else's in their head. I repeat, you are NOT responsible for any of his actions and choices here; he is and his abuse of you is all on him. You did not cause any of that to happen.

Anyway its your mortgaged property so why should you be the one to leave at all here?. He has paid towards upkeep of this house and half of the mortgage payments (BTW an individual should never pay any part of a mortgage sub they are not actually named on) but he would be expected to show documented proof of this through bank statements, paid invoices with his name on them etc.

If he has no legal claim to the house, tell him to get out and change the locks. Then you can arrange to give him his percentage back.
He isn’t going to wave bye and skip down the path. You are going to need to get tough.

The house is in your name

Ask him to leave,

Buy him out, as in give him back the deposit money, can your family help with that or can you take out a loan?