Damaged people in relationships

[Shydelta]

Can a relationship between two people who are psychologically scarred by their childhood/parents work?

I know the general consensus is that you should only enter into a romantic relationship when you’re already stable and happy, but can it ever work out that damaged people can come together and work through things?

Can two people currently living their trauma, not having done the work, come together and get healthy?

Statistically, only by accident.

Why wouldn't you do the work first and be happy?

Because it’s not me and not my choice. Both are trying to do the work and have support from therapists, but they are relatively young.

It could work, but only if both acknowledge their damage and work exceptionally hard on their individual issues AND put a huge amount of effort into steering their relationship through stormy waters. However, it's probable that what each liked in the other was their maladapted behaviour (characteristics that reflect the emotional damage, not their true personality) - so on healing they find they don't actually like their partner. So realistically I would say there's an extremely low chance of them finding happiness together.

It's extremely unlikely as both have to know, accept help, etc, and get the therapy.

Birds of a feather flock together. The pair are likely to continue old patterns, and it doesn't end well.

I have the t-shirt on this one. It took me 16 years and 4 children to finally leave.

I'm one of the lucky ones who got into good long-term specialist recovery. 8 various specialist therapy types over 20 years have been the saviour for me.

I'm one of a few who has had the opportunitss and took them. Fortunately, my adult youngsters are all in good long-term recovery, too.

The ex didn't get help, which is 1 of the many reasons 3 of my 4 have nothing to do with him

It can work, but it's unlikely to. It's more likely to develop into a toxic codependency. Relationships are about what you give to each other, but that doesn't mean being each others support network.

It could work. But unlikely to.

If both are putting in the work properly and it’s successful, it’s likely to change who they are, how they deal with things, their outlook, their needs and wants.

The problem is, that if they can see the changes may be creating a separation in the relationship and they have bonded over their trauma they will likely resist the change to cling to each other. Disengaging with the process.

Therapy and working through these things isn’t a straight line of improvement and it happens at different speeds for everyone. If one sees the other speeding ahead, or sees changes they don’t like or feels left behind they (as they are still dealing with their own issues) are likely to sabotage the other.

The trauma has likely influence their lives to a massive degree. They should be dealing with that and as a result will be finding out who they are with the trauma not being the dominating force of their life. They shouldn’t be finding out who they are but in the context of the relationship. Because that’s not who they are and they will not be planning and moving forward with them as the focus. Maintaining the relationship will be the focus of this which will impact the outcomes and changes.

If both people happen to change in ways that still compliment each other it may work. But they have only really developed themselves, with the relationship as the back drop. Not for themselves. The codependency’s will deepen because they will be afraid of how they continue to deal with their issues if the other person isn’t around. So they will remain in the relationship even if it’s not working. Leading to a toxic, unhappy situation.

This is my eldest child, who was the scapegoat. I took a similarly long time to get out, so my child didn’t have any good relationship role models and though we’re both having therapy, I think it’s too soon. So difficult when you’re young and lonely. Things are much better than they were, but I so much hoped this would be a positive relationship, but there are already worrying signs.

I wish I’d known years earlier that I was damaging my children by staying and sometimes wonder if the disaster will ever end.

My partner and I sort of did. We met in a bad place, but mentally we both had already had therapy and had acceptance to the past. So we're already prepared and putting in the work to change our circumstances. Whilst together we then grew very quickly with each others support. (Did courses, worked our way up ect) and our lives are unrecognisable from when we first met. It's made us very strong and loyal to each other tackling so much early on. But once you've had a bad past there is always that concern that in the face of pain and turmoil you can lean on bad coping mechanisms, so it will forever be a work in progress.

I would add though that we met quite late in life, and how I cope is vastly different from in my youth due to time and experience:)

Same here. I recreated my childhood in adulthood with the marriage to the ex. It was violent and abusive, though all looked good on the surface.

I stayed because I thought the children needed their dad. Plus, my mom didn't leave. Fortunately, my dad passed when I was 28, leaving an unhealthy codependent relationship with mom and I.

I finally fled with my 4 when the ex turned on our eldest. My father did that to me in my teens, and I wasn't having that for my eldest.

We walked the fires of hell with the aftermath. However, I was blessed to meet my 2nd husband, who was and is the Dad. He didn't have to be to mine. I say was and is as he unexpectedly passed away 5 years ago. He is still dad to them, they say. Even my daughter, who still has contact with her biological dad, says it.

My boys got to see a healthy relationship between a man and a woman. We were and are blessed. My 2nd husband took us on with so much baggage.

All of mine are in good healthy relationships. 2 of them are happily married with children of their own now.

Me, I use our experiences to help others. I share this so you know there is light to be had

Be glad and proud of yourself. You have escaped (most don't) and given you both an opportunity of a decent life. Well done.

It's hard, but try and live in today. Yesterday and tomorrow added in. That's when we break down. Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. it's only when we added yesterday and tomorrow that we break down, as the poem goes.

My dad died when I was 18, not 28 re above

”Be glad and proud of yourself. You have escaped (most don't) and given you both an opportunity of a decent life. Well done.”

Thank you. I need to hear this. I still need to do more work myself. I’m not good at exploring it all with my therapist.

No not in my case. Neither of us could meet the others needs, it was a disaster. They say you can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick. I found a partner identical to my mum who gave me trauma, he only made it worse. His father gave him trauma and he was extremely angry, I was more the fawn type, he rode all over me. But then neither of us were in therapy or had a clue we had past trauma.

That's cos you have not done anything like this with a therapist. It's new and scary. If you have never been allowed to explore your emotions before, then it's hard to talk. I've 20 years of all this.

I also have the ongoing help of being in a 12 step program of which there are many types. The most well-known is Alcoholics Anonymous. There are many types of 12-step programs.

You can Google them all for the U.K meetings in person and on Zoom.

These give ongoing help. They are

1/ A.A

2/ Al-Anon (Families of an alcoholic/addict - drinking or not, alive or not and together or not.

3/ Al-Ateen is the same as Al-Anon, but for young people

4/ Adult children of Alcoholic and/or dysfunctional childhoods

5/ Those are the most common

66 Others are S A for sex addiction, W A work addiction, ShA, shopping addiction, N.A for narcotics, C.A, H.A, etc, for other drugs and GA for gamblers

I don't know who your therapist is. However, if you're not involved with Women's Aid, Google them as they are a great resource

I hope one or more of these are helpful to you and others. Knowing what is out their is useful

Thank you. I’m currently not in the UK, but will look into getting more help from Women’s Aid and possibly Al-Anon when I return.