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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I said something hurtful to dh

45 replies

ActiveSon · 22/07/2023 21:52

I’ve been planning a big expensive family holiday for about a year. We go next week and I admit I have been tetchy about it. Dh has done very little with the planning and his sense of humour is to tease me about it. This evening dh made a comment about the holiday. On the lines of why have you booked x place, I have heard that y place is better. I snapped and said that I was dreading going with him because of this type of comment. Obviously he is upset and says that I have no sense of humour. I have apologised but dh says that he doesn’t want to speak to me. I don’t know what to do next

OP posts:
greenthumb13 · 22/07/2023 23:11

ActiveSon · 22/07/2023 22:14

Thanks for your comments, definitely making me think. So in a normal relationship, what should happen next? I have apologised because I did snap and I was mean. We go on holiday on Monday and our 2 dc are very excited

I would have another chat and say "next week is extremely important to me. No more jokes, no more cutting remarks. Even if you don't like something, keep it to yourself for my sake."

ActiveSon · 22/07/2023 23:43

Thank you Greenthumb, that’s really helpful

OP posts:
KT1995 · 22/07/2023 23:49

Does he usually sulk when you dont laugh hysterically at his unfunny putdowns?

chocobaby · 22/07/2023 23:50

Nothing for you to do next OP! He should actually be taking things on from here on out being that you have planned everything. I don’t give a rat’s behind if he brought the money or contributed.

let him book the airport cabs and do everything else. I suggest have a convo with him about how he should have helped in the planning.
TBF, I don’t k is why you should be condoning that sort of emotional abuse from him. I personally wouldn’t have apologised in the first place.

Mumtothreegirlies · 22/07/2023 23:51

I think your husband needs to put his big boy pants on and man up.

Sensibletrousers · 23/07/2023 00:23

You tell him:

”Please stop teasing me about this holiday. You are right: I don’t have a sense of humour about it because I have put so much effort and time into planning it, and I want us all to love it.”

If he continues to tease and dig after you have laid this clear and very reasonable boundary, he is 100% in the wrong. Tell
him it’s not a joke if nobody’s laughing.

SamW98 · 23/07/2023 00:59

Nothing to apologise for. I’m now divorced but in the 25 years I was with my x, I planned and booked all of our holidays and he never dared complain once.

He was happy to trust my judgment and knew we would have a good holiday wherever we ended up.

Your DH is being a complete knob

Tilllly · 23/07/2023 07:40

How're you today @ActiveSon ?

I hope you're all ready and excited for your holiday and DH has stopped being a knobspangle

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 23/07/2023 07:51

Teasing is only funny if the person being teased finds it funny. Otherwise it's just mean. He's been mean to you and then despite you apologising when you're not in the wrong he's doubling down and not speaking to you. I'm wondering if your dread of going on holiday with him stems from the same problem I have with stbxh, he always manages to ruin holidays and special occasions with mean behaviour.

SoullessInSeattle · 23/07/2023 08:22

Tell him you were only joking when you snapped. You can get away with all sorts if you right it off as a joke, according to him.
l hope he’s seen the light and apologised OP.

OssieShowman · 23/07/2023 08:27

Enjoy your holiday, you and your DC will love. Don’t let his awful remarks spoil it for you. He could have stepped up and help, but he left it all to you.
no need for you to apologise.

blahblahblah1654 · 23/07/2023 08:29

Your husband did it on purpose to be horrible. Now he wants to sulk and ignore you. What's the point in him even going with you.

Unicorn2022 · 23/07/2023 09:05

You weren't mean and he wasn't joking. Next week if there is anything wrong with x place he will say I told you that you should have booked y place (even though he said it far too late to do anything about it, and didn't have any input whatsoever into the booking of the holiday).

perfectcolourfound · 23/07/2023 09:17

You did nothing wrong. You very reasonably pointed out that your husband was being deliberately hurtful / goady / mean.

What he said wasn't funny, whichever way you dress it.

He is belittling your contribution. If someone planned a holiday for me, I'd be really grateful and make sure to tell them so. He's doing the opposite, like he thinks you're a figure of fun, to belittle. He wants you to know he isn't grateful for what you've done, and in fact thinks he could have done a better job of it.

In a 'normal' situation, he would have apologised before now, made sure you know he's grateful for all your planning and really looking forward to the holiday. He certainly wouldn't be sulking. Sulking doesn't happen in healthy relationships. Even worse, he's sulking on the back of something HE did wrong.

Don't apologise again. That just reinforces to him that he was in the right. Don't try to get him to talk. Just go about your day, happily. Do what you would have done anyway. Maybe take the children out to the park or for ice cream. All have a lovely day. If he wants to stay on his own sulking then so what.

If he's a sulker, if he gices the silent treatment, if he undermines what you do, talks down to you, belittles you, tries to make you feel bad - consider that he is abusive.

Izzy24 · 23/07/2023 11:35

I’ve been thinking about this thread a lot. My parents thought it was good for children to be teased and that they should just learn to get on with it.

Maybe your husband had the same experience. But that doesn’t mean it’s ok because it definitely isn’t.

continentallentil · 23/07/2023 11:39

You were perfectly reasonable to snap. You’ve planned a great holiday and he’s trying to wind you up.

This isn’t teasing it’s called ‘trying to undermine you’.

He sounds like a dick. Is he normally like this?

If he’s sulking like a kid just ignore him and focus on the kids. If you act normal he’ll come round.

continentallentil · 23/07/2023 11:42

Izzy24 · 23/07/2023 11:35

I’ve been thinking about this thread a lot. My parents thought it was good for children to be teased and that they should just learn to get on with it.

Maybe your husband had the same experience. But that doesn’t mean it’s ok because it definitely isn’t.

This is his wife. Your mother didn’t let your father do that to her as a character building exercise did she? No, because she wasn’t his kid.

The OP’s husband doesn’t think this. It’s a way to keep her insecure and in her box. And given the OP’s reaction, it’s worked.

Izzy24 · 23/07/2023 12:41

continentallentil · 23/07/2023 11:42

This is his wife. Your mother didn’t let your father do that to her as a character building exercise did she? No, because she wasn’t his kid.

The OP’s husband doesn’t think this. It’s a way to keep her insecure and in her box. And given the OP’s reaction, it’s worked.

I agree with you.

My only thought really was that some people may have grown up where it was ‘normal’ to tease. But of course that doesn’t mean it’s ok.

It’s red rag to a bull for me.

Mari9999 · 23/07/2023 12:52

@ActiveSon
If he contributed to the funding of this vacation then he did make a contribution. However, if he would have preferred place x over place y, the time to speak up would have been during the planning stage.

He made a foolish comment. It is not an earth shattering comment, and it probably won't be the last foolish comment that he makes during your marriage.
The thing to do is to ignore the comment and go on and enjoy the trip Chances are that he too will enjoy the trip , and your family will make many pleasant memories.

Prelapsarianhag · 23/07/2023 17:28

He wants to ruin the holiday - have you cringing and walking on eggshells - ignore him completely and have a great time with the DC - if he carries on being such a cunt - ltb.

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